August 30, 2006

Horse 622 - Number One In The Hood G

You really have to wonder what went through the minds of the people at Cartoon Network when they originally comissioned 2 episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Esentially the show is about 3 bits of food who do stuff... literally 3 bits of food that do stuff. The 3 main protagonists are Frylock who is a packet of French Fries, Master Shake who is some sort of milkshake and Meatwad, a meatball.

Actually the whole name Aqua Teen Hunger Force doesn't really fit the show either. They don't really have much to do with the water other than hanging out in their neighbour's pool. None of them are teenagers, though Meatwad is decidedly childish and does have a doll made out of a toilet roll. Ok, so they may in fact be food but they're sentinet. Lastly, they don't actually appear to be any real kind of force.

Given this, it makes you wonder why Cartoon Network made the first two episodes with that kind of sales pitch. Thankfully they did, and 4 series later their bizarre antics are a staple as part of the Adult Swim lineup along with Sealab 2021 and Space Ghost.

Imagine my joy therefore when I learnt that a feature film is in production. 87 minutes of absolute absurdity with the equally daft name Aqua Teen Hunger Force: The Movie or The Aqua Teen Hunger Force Movie For Theatres. I kid thee not!

August 28, 2006

Horse 621 - A Flash of Brilliance

This afternoon I sat down to scribble some notes for this edition of Horse by driving to Middle Head which is about 3 miles from where I work; plonked myself down on a hillside of clover and then watched as the ferries plied their way across the heads between Manly and forth and back to Circular Quay.

I was watching some red poppies bend in the light breeze and the only thing I could think of was that fable by Aesop where the sun and the wind had a contest to make a man take his coat off. Let me tell you that sitting there, the sun won.

At some point I must have fallen asleep because I remember waking up 20 minutes later the same way I do quite often. I'm sure my brain must be wired up wrong because every so often when I'm asleep, I'll be woken by what I think is a white flash and a horrid ringing in my ears - when this happened the first few times when I was about 16 I honestly thought that the world had come to an end.

Anyway, the point of this post is in that instant I reckon that I must have had some fantastic idea but when I came to and was fully awake, the idea was gone. It was quite literally a flash of brilliance, but only a flash - if it was a streak or a 12 part tele-series I wouldn't be here typing this but going out and making money off of it possibly, maybe... if it lent itself to that sort of thing.

August 24, 2006

Horse 620 - "The Knowledge" is Power

If you've ever been of even if you've never been to London then chances are than you will have heard of, seen or even been in one on the city's many famous iconic black cabs. The clattery diesel powered taxis have behind the wheel some of the most skilled operators in the world, for in order to qualify to even get a licence to operate a black cab they must spend a minimum of 49 weeks acquiring what is colloquially referred to as "The Knowledge".

The Knowledge is quite literally a knowledge of how to get from anywhere in the City of London to anywhere else and be able to recite it to a board of testers, bearing in mind what the shortest way to get there is and things on the ground such as one way streets, no right turn signs and the fact that in some part of London such as in Chelsea where indiviual blocks are referred to as mansions, then the name on one side of the street might be different to the other.

Various Satellite Navigation devices are now available on the market but even the best of these still pales in comparison with the London Cabbie's detailed knowledge of what is actually on the ground. Satnav devices although having been approved for use are still no match for the brain of a cabbie who it's been found via research at various universities that their Hippocampus (the part of the brain responsible for spatial awareness and in particular navigation) is significantly larger than in most people.

For the average cabbie, they have to be aware of about 320 standard routes as well as the locations of about 60 theatres, 50 embassies not to mention the location of many of London's 400 odd pubs.

Let's hope that for a long time to come, that London's famous black cabs will be continued to be powered by brain power rather than Intel.

August 23, 2006

Horse 619 - I Wish It Was About Football

Liverpool drew 1-1 last night against Israelli side Maccabi Haifa to put them through to the next round of the Champions League 3-2 on aggregate, but this was less about a display of football than a battle of political wills.

The match was held in Kyyv in the Ukraine after UEFA decided that the safety of players was a concern. Rather than fly into Haifa which at the time of the conflict would have been difficult given the Lebabon-Israel border conflict, it was decided that neutral territory would be used and Kyyv was selected because of its relatively large Jewish community.

The Israelli FA took offence at this and before the match accused UEFA of being racist and anti-semitic and specifically Liverpool FC of being afraid and "chicken" for not wanting to fly to Haifa which they contend was not actually being bombed at the time.

Has anyone actually told Israel why they're part of UEFA in the first place? The reason I thought would have been obvious. Israel like their immediate neighbours should logically be playing in Asia. Can you imagine the furore that would be created if an Israelli football team landed in say Tehran, Lebanon or Damascus to play a match? Eventually Israel would be drawn against an Arabic nation and the world of football is fraught with violence. Need I remind people of La guerra de fútbol which was a five-day war fought by El Salvador and Honduras in 1969 after the two nations came together for a qualifier for Mexico '70.

Israel are also ironically are part of the European Broadcasting Union. Most famously Dana International from Israel won the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest following much pre-contest hype and publicity due to the fact that she is a male-to-female transsexual.

I really don't understand why Israel is so intent on chipping Europe. Someone a long time ago wrote: I have seen this people, and behold, it is a stiff-necked people. This rings true today and I for one am thankful that Liverpool knocked out Maccabi Haifa. Not because I'm anti-semitic, but because I happen to think that getting on with playing football is a far better pursuit than political will... and that small matter that I happen to be a Liverpool fan.

August 22, 2006

Horse 618 - I Saw the Sign

You all know the people I mean: The ones who don't park straight, leave grubby head marks on the train windows, eat smelly food in class, people who stare at you funny, the boring people who rabbit on and on with inane chatter just to fill in their mundane lives.
Well guess what? Mosman Municipal Council has just erected a sign that says:

No Gits or Hobos in This Park

Now it's obvious that it's meant for a wee joke and is probably part of the Mosman Cultural and Arts Festival but wouldn't it be neat it they could legitimately erect and enforce such a sign. Now Mosman isn't renowned for its Hobo population but there are a lot of rather pompous Gits around. Perhaps the idea could be extended?

No Prudes or Snitchnoses - 9:30am - 12:30am Mon - Fri

Silly People and Looneys Only - Sat & Sun

Uglies and Boombahs - One Way

Deranged Keyboard Typers - By Permit Only

It got me thinking about the actual signs that say "No Hawkers and Canvassers" and whether that applies to people who engage in certain types of Falconry and Tentmakers. I marvel at the "No Hard Ball Games" signs and wonder if they mean Pelota and Hurling which are very hard indeed. I'm even thankful that "Alcohol Free Zone" doesn't mean that the council is giving away free schnapps for that might attract the Hobos and the Gits.

But what really gets my goat is the absolute ineptitude of our Police Forces and our Legal System. After all these years and countless sightings of "Bill Posters Will Be Prosecuted", it simply makes me mad that Mr Posters has not been brought to justice despite repeated assurances. He must be an evil evil person I assume... or else a Git and a Hobo.

August 21, 2006

Horse 617 - Thorpey

5 time Olympic Champion, 11 time Long Course World Champion, Twice Short Course World Champion, 9 times Pan Pacific Champion, 10 times Commonwealth Games Champion, 2000 Young Australian of the Year and an Order of Australia Medal... that's impressive.

In the world of swimming, Ian Thorpe has done better than anyone else for Australia... well ever really. Yet as far as the media is concerned, he's fair game to ridicule when it comes to issues of weight (which I'm now sick of hearing in the news) and then have the nerve to accuse him of not trying hard enough. At age 23 he's done far more than most people do in their lifetime and I think that he owes this country nothing. As a sportsman he has had to bear the pressures of the media now for 8 years plus and despite this has made the country proud.

I say that collectively as a nation we should let the chap do whatever he wants, give the man keys to every city and erect a statue on Olympic Boulevarde. The Thorpedo is probably one of Australia's top five all-time sporting heroes. His name would have no problem sitting along side Dawn Fraser, Don Bradman and Rod Laver; if the chap doesn't want to swim anymore then who are we to judge? Australia needs to grow up a bit here, so that Thorpey can go back and live the childhood stolen from him - which may or may not include going for a swim.

August 19, 2006

Horse 616 - From the Courtroom

Whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.

Let's take this into the courtroom. God is sitting in the judge's chair with a massive gavel and with a list of charges; elsewhere we're told that Satan is like the Prosecuting QC with a list of accusations day and night. Assume for me that you're an über-gut-person and guilty of a mere one sin a day. Multiply this over 365 days and on average 76 years and you have a list of 27,740 offences. Now I don't know about you but if this actually were an opening address by a Prosecuting QC, I'd take one minute to summarise each and every charge. To do this would take 19 days without breaks and that's before any evidence was taken.

Guess what? The evidence is not only obtainable, but provable. No defence counsel in their right mind would ever consider to take on such a case, they'd have to be an absolute looney. The judge when presented with the evidence would ask for a plea to be made and the judgement passed. Christ acts as our defence counsel for an impossible to defend set of charges. What does he do to defend the charges? Literally nothing.

Another tactic is taken. Since we're obviously guilty beyond doubt, then the judgement made must carry a penalty. In our courtroom several interesting things happen. Firstly Christ tells us to stand behind him; God as the judge who looks down at proceedings no longer sees us, but His Son standing in front of Him. Next to prove that the penalty has been paid, Christ hold up His hands to the judge. Those hands bear the marks of nails being driven through them; thus the penalty of death which is imposed by the court, is proven to have already been paid.

The judge looks down at his receipt book and grabs a big red stamp. PAID IN FULL is mashed over the penalty for the charges and the trial is adjourned exeunt. The devil leaves defeated and walks off knowing that eventually he'll have to answer his own charges eventually. We walk off with Christ who decides that our clothes are a bit shabby and dead looking, so gets us some new threads and a new body to boot.

Do you honestly think you can pay for the services of the defence counsel? Would you rather defend yourself in court and pay the fine? You do have a choice in this.

For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men — the testimony given in its proper time.

I don't apologise for this story. I am not ashamed.

August 18, 2006

Horse 615 - ***casting

Now that we have enetered the digital age and the ability the transmit audio via the internet, the phenomenon of podcasting (a portmanteau of that brand named MP3 player and broadcasting) has really taken off especially over the last 2 years. However as far as I can tell, most of these podcasts are replays of the inane chatter of radio DJ's in between the music that they play sans the music for copyright reasons. By this logic there should be a massive market out there for other content on the radio.

Fishing Programs and Coastal Weather Reports telling anglers and other people interested in piscene pursuits would be happy to hear about the location of where the best spots are and other information such as currents and tides. These would be known as Rodcasts or more specifically Codcasts.

Gardeners and other people with a green thumb such as farmers and horticuluralists might like to know about new fertilisers, when the best time to plant crops and seeds is. They might be kept up to the minute by Sodcast.

60s rockers and people who like to get about on motor scooters; other people who wish to recreate the era of Swingin London Town would be well advised to listen to Modcasts.

The technology could even be applied to the church. Every week at Toonie, the sermon is recorded in real time onto CD. It could therefore be possible to rip Roger and Deano's sermons to MP3 and publish these on the web as Godcasts.

So next time your parents tell you to turn down that infernal racket because it might do damage to your ears, simply tell them that what you're listening to is content directed. Perhaps you might like to make you own: If you happen to be a fan of the greatest cricketer of all time, you might wish to publish audio of some of Bradman's greatest highlights and become a Doncaster yourself.

August 17, 2006

Horse 614 - Not Even Solomon

I want you to go outside and find something really really boring for me. Keep on walking around the place until you find a sunflower. Now I don't know if you've actually bothered to look at one in close detail but take a closer look today.

Sunflowers are mathematical marvels. Firstly you'll find a series of spirals that head outwards from the centre. Not only this but in both directions, both clockwise and anti-clockwise, but also in the same direction at upwards of 5 angles of incidence. Only the Allianz Arena in Munich comes close to this sort of complexity.

Next I want you to do some counting. Why is it that the number of petals in a flower is often one of the following numbers: 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34 or 55? For example, the lily has three petals, buttercups have five of them, the chicory has 21 of them, the daisy has often 34 or 55 petals, etc.

Furthermore, when one observes the heads of sunflowers and one notices the series of curves, one winding in one sense and one in another; the number of spirals not being the same in each sense. Why is the number of spirals in general either 21 and 34, either 34 and 55, either 55 and 89, or 89 and 144? The same for pinecones - why do they have either 8 spirals from one side and 13 from the other, or either 5 spirals from one side and 8 from the other? Finally, why is the number of diagonals of a pineapple also 8 in one direction and 13 in the other?

Are these numbers the product of chance? No! They all belong to the Fibonacci sequence: 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89, 144, etc. (where each number is obtained from the sum of the two preceding). A more abstract way of putting it is that the Fibonacci numbers fn are given by the formula f1 = 1, f2 = 2, f3 = 3, f4 = 5 and generally f n+2 = fn+1 + fn . For a long time, it had been noticed that these numbers were important in nature, but only relatively recently that one understands why. It is a question of efficiency during the growth process of plants.

Plants are incredibly compact machines. The fibonacci series of numbers roughly follow the Golden Ratio, but more importantly they're irrational. This means that there will never be any straight lines when it comes to growing seed heads. Straight lines lead to increased shade and if you happen to be a small device that loves the sun, you'd want as much of stuff as possible.

Sneaky little things... not even Solomon was wise enough to work out that.

August 16, 2006

Horse 613 - Yay for Astrology... er... yay?

Astrology has always been one of those things that's fascinated me. Not because the stars might hold the answers but because of just how much gullible people would rather believe anything than actually admit that they might be responsible to a higher power i.e God. The things whizzing above their heads might do more than the highly intelligent Chap who built and knows them all by name?

Once upon a time the universe was small and compact. Gallileo was a heretic for looking through his telescope and finding that Jupiter had moons of its own that weren't going around the earth. Mercury, Venus, Earth, The Moon, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn were the keepers of the sky who wandered through the Zodiac; sometimes moving backwards but regulating people's lives.
In 1781 Uranus appeared in telescopes and the world changed. In 1846 Neptune changed things again and then in 1930 Pluto yet again stuffed up astrological charts. Since 2003 Xena, Santa, Quaoar, Orcus and Sedna have cropped up as candidates for planets - all of which brings Pluto into disrepute.

What then for the poor astrologer who now has to tabulate upwards of 29 planets in their calculations? I've just have a look and found that planet U2005²¹²/3 was moving through the constellation of Bruno the Garbageman when you were born. I can't say I feel sorry for these people. If scientists can't define what a planet is, then astrologers shouldn't be allowed to rip-off stupid people.

Astrology may have provided a road map to look into the night sky, but that map is now hopelessly inadequate. With ever increasing ability to look into it, we find more and more stuff that's more bizarre and more beautiful than before. The heavens just don't declare the glory of His name, they YELL.

August 15, 2006

Horse 612 - It's Just Not Logical, Is It?

You know who you are, let's just think through this thing logically shall we?

If you assume that Christ hadn't risen from the dead, wouldn't the 12 have formed some sort of sub-executive committee and then planned their next move? Wouldn't you have at least made the story believable if you were going to cover it up?

Think about it you've got Peter, James and John sitting around. Wouldn't it at least have made sense to say that they were waiting around the tomb for the prophecy to be fulfilled? Doesn't it then make sense to have a nice little ego massage and have Christ say "Here I am as promised. What good servants you are for believing what I've said and then waiting for me. I'll tell you what, I'll nip off to heaven for a bit and let you lot set up a massive church for me, despite the problems the Jews & Romans will give you." That would have been more heroic eh?

No, instead you've got the 12 cowering off in some room somewhere; it was the women who first saw the risen Christ. Remember this, in both Jewish and Roman societies, women's evidence wasn't admissable in a court of law. Why then would you have them report it to the rest of them?
This would be positively laughable, who'd honestly take the story seriousy? Then you have to ask the fairly obvious question as to why they'd bother to fight so hard for this lie that they fabricated? Several were whipped to death, a few were killed by the sword, more were crucified (Peter probably upside-down) and Paul was beheaded in the reign of Nero at about AD67. If I was going to come up with a lie, I'd almost certainly reneg on it before I was killed.

If you were going to invent such a story, you'd fix it up to cover yourself in a better light surely? If you got even the Koran, Christianity's biggest detractor it would seem, not only mentioning Jesus but giving him a high place of esteem: that's probably about another billion people you're claiming as liars. The Koran even goes so far as to rubbish the story because it's so dangerous.

Either Christ did what He did (in which case the consequences of such are massive) or else for the last 2000 years a lie has been foisted on us, fought for, had milllions die and is now in part cause of a great deal of wars in the world.

Where's the logic in that?


Isn't it funny how a day like September 11 lives on in the memory but August 15 which is invariably far more important even in just the 20th Century somehow gets forgotten. One very important thing happened on August 15 and it be explained by the acronym: VP

August 15 1945 was the official end to World War 2. On this day the terms of surrender were finally laid out and the end of hostilities happened. You might think that 5000 odd in attacks of three buildings were important but that accounts for about 0.02% of the 250,000,000 who died as a result of the bloodiest set of conflicts the world has ever seen.

250,000,000 people who were fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters; I don't care which side of the war you happen to support, all of them died however heroically in essentially pointless terms. The will of people who put ideals ahead of the lives of millions have something to answer for.

This is my reminder to people today:

Sri Lanka
Côte d'Ivoire

and any other country that thinks it's a good idea to be at war and kill people -

You are all criminally stupid!
Killing people for any reason is wrong!

The governments of all and sundry I have listed have my current scorn.

August 15 is a grand day, because people finally got sick of killing each other...


August 11, 2006

Horse 609 - Snakes on a Plane? Not Allowed!

The world by now knows about plans for as many as 11 aircraft bound for the USA and British Police arrests of 20+ suspects. Heathrow airport is in utter chaos as even more stringent security measures are put in place such as banning liquids in hand luggage (goodbye water, duty free alcohol, soft drinks, deodorant, toothpaste), banning all flammable items from hand luggage (goodbye newspapers, books, chocolate bar wrappers, tobacco, teddy bears) and electronic devices (goodbye laptops, iPods, Walkmans, Discmans, Gameboys, watches). In fact things are so severe that people may be asked to remove coats, ties and shoes etc.

In all of this what the media, the police and MI5 have failed to mention is WHEN these purported attacks are supposedly to have occured. All that has been stated so far is that evidence has been uncovered but because of security issues the nature of what sort of evidence and details of logistics can not be released.
At best all we've been officially told is that they were "only days away from a first test", at least this is what MI5 has released.
Now of course I realise that by actually telling us information that a certain degree of secrecy is removed and the ability to be able to carry out a search may be impaired but I want to ask exactly what sort of timeframe we are talking about here. For instance I have details of documented evidence of a plan to destory the Houses of Parliament whilst that are sitting. It involves low grade explosive to be carried into the cellars under cover of nightfall. Moreover, the evidence I have has been independantly verified to be true and correct.

Details to come:










Have you worked it out yet?









Of course regular subscribers to these reports will have realised that I refer to none other than a foiled plot which was to have been carried out on November 5... 1605! (exclamation point not factorial 1605 which although rendered as 1605! actually equals approx. 5.58 x 10^4449) My point is that if it has in fact taken say 5 years to come up with enough evidence suitable for an arrest and subsequent conviction, then holding up travellers now is well beyond reason.

What does it actually benefit normal people and travellers when the people responsible have probably already come up with a more devious plan? For arguments sake (and I'm not suggesting this by any stretch of the imagination) a "device" could be sealed in a shipping container at any given cargo port and sent to any other cargo port and remain undetected for extended periods of time before going off with hurrendous force. Just imagine something with 30 times the power of Little Boy or Fat Man on a container ship making its way silently up the Hudson. From the outside it would look like any other container but if controlled by remote could blow apart every building in New York City without even the merest hint of suspicion.

What I am getting at I suppose is that travellers on board a plane have far less potential for destruction than a ship from say Lagos, where security would be far less stringent. So although I admire the vigilance by law enforcement and civil defence forces, I don't think you'll be able to stop a full scale, organised terrorist attack on any named point on the planet... and that's scary.

For the record: I think that the chances of a terrorist nuclear attack within my lifetime are between 90 and 100%

August 10, 2006

Horse 608 - Who Ate All The Pies?

Who Ate All the Pies?
Who Ate All the Pies?
You skinny daughter of the Lord Mayor of Perth
You skinny daughter of the Lord Mayor of Perth
You Ate All the Pies!

So maybe that's not how the football chant goes but it is the truth. Former Miss Universe entrant for Australia and the daughter of the Lord Mayor of Perth, Edwina Joyce Nattrass was fined $300 by a magistrate and now has a criminal record for the crime of stealing 3 Meat Pies from an IGA Supermarket.

Isn't it funny how everyone in this country is so easily able to steer the fault in her direction and ignore what could be lots of other thefts in their own life. We seem to have this inbuilt knowledge that stealing is wrong, even for something minor.

If I steal a loaf of bread to feed my starving family, is that wrong?

Well obviously... YES. Theft is wrong. Besides, who in all likelyhood is actually going to steal bread to feed their starving family anyway? Even in the Third World* people know it's wrong. Theft is theft. Edwina the Lord Mayor of Perth's daughter said that she was was also starving when she stole the pies. Pies? Bread? What's the difference?

As further proof that crime doesn't pay Miss Nattrass was fined $300.00, $100.70 in court costs and lastly... you guessed it $11.70 for the pies.

Only in Oz eh?

August 08, 2006

Horse 607 - Census 2006 - Australia Counts

Tonight is a very important night for Australia. Tonight is the night when we take the national Census and get a snapshot of what life is like in this wide brown land. In case you haven't opened the packet and filled in all the questions yet, this is a sneak preview of what you can expect to find.

1. Who are ya?
2. Where d'ya live?
3. Are you a Bloke or a Sheila?
4. Ball-&-Chained, Living-In-Sin or Irresponsible?
5. Are you Shane Warne?
6. How many Ankle-Biters have you got?
7. Are you a Blood-Nut?
8. Are you an Aboriginal or Torres-Straight Islander?
9. Which country were you born in?
- OZ
- NZ
- Other
10. Which nationality are you?
- Dinky-Di Aussie
- Sheep People
- Whinging Pom
- Dodgy, Shifty, Scary
- Boat People
11. Are you here illegally?

Income & Standard of Living
12. How much dosh did you make last year?
13. How much did you tell the Taxman?
14. Who owns your house?
- I do. The Great Australian Dream.
- The Bastard Banks
- A Dragon Landlord
15. Which social class do you belong to?
- Feral
- Battler
- Bogan
- Aspirational
- Uppity
- Snob
- Richard Branson
16. How do you get to work?
- Tollway
- Tollway
- Tollway
- I can't afford the tollway, so I use the sardine tins you call trains, trams and buses
- I'm a hippie
17. How often is your train, tram or bus service?
- I don't know, because I live in an uppity area and don't use them
- Less than 25 mins (I'm lying)
- Less than an hour (I'm still lying)
- Whenever they feel like
- The Government hasn't built any
18. Do you have Private Medical Insurance?
- Yes, I'm uppity
- Yes, but it's not very good
- No, I can't afford it
- No, I can't afford it
- No, I can't afford it
19. How far away is your Nearest Public Hospital?
- I don't know, because I live in an uppity area and don't use them
- Less than 25 mins (I'm lying)
- Less than an hour (I'm still lying)
- It doesn't matter because the waiting time in Emergency is 5 hours and for elective surgery the queue is about 4 years
20. How far away is your Nearest Public School?
- I don't know, because I live in an uppity area and don't use them
- Less than 25 mins (I'm lying)
- Less than an hour (I'm still lying)
- I don't know, because my kids don't want to go to school so they run feral

21. Religion I
- Manly
- Collingwood
- Normal People
- Wogball
22. Religion II
- Ford
- Holden
- Rice Power
- Uppity Toff Nose
23. Religion III
- Wakko
- Terrorist
- Nothing
- Jedi

24. Did the dingoes really take Lindy's baby?
25. Are you sure you' re not Shane Warne?
26. Is Rove funny?
27. Do you think that Bert's hair is real?
28. Should Daryl Somers give up?
29. Do you care who won Big Brother?
30. Do you like Eddie Maguire?
- No
- No
- Can I phone a friend?
- I am Eddie Maguire
31. Should we get rid of Queensland?
32. Do you like John Howard?
33. Why don't you like John Howard?
34. Aw, please. He'll be your friend. Do you like John Howard now?
35. You're not Shane Warne are you?
- If so, how are you able to read this?
- If not, then good.

Remember to answer all questions truthfully except if you happen to be Shane Warne, John Howard or Lindy Chamerlain's baby. Together, we all count.

August 07, 2006

Horse 606 - Stupid Stupid People!

Oi Stupidheads - Yeah you Galatians! Has someone now put some sort of evil spell on you? I want to know one thing from you; how were you given God's Spirit? Was it by obeying the Law of Moses or by hearing about Christ and having faith in him? How can you be so stupid? Do you think that by yourself you can complete what God's Spirit started in you? Have you gone through all of this for nothing? Is it all really for nothing? God gives you his Spirit and works miracles in you. But does he do this because you obey the Law of Moses or because you have heard about Christ and have faith in him? - Galatians 3:1-5 REV (Rollo Exasperated Version)

If there ever was an emotive piece in the Bible then this is it. You can just imagine Paul going "Bah! You're all so stupid... it's not that hard! How many... dah... idiots!", then tearing out what little hair he had left. If Romans is a detailed explanation of how the gospel works then this is the "It's so simple - why don't you get it?" passage.

I bet that the original of this was written in really awful handwriting. Mass scribbles as though the pen was being forced into the paper. Admittedly I'm not a scholar and people can tell me if the note in Chapter 6 refers to what bits, but it's literally times like this that you just want to hit people over the head with the Bible and yell at them for being so dumb.

I've met people like this. You tell them the gospel and it seems that they understand and then want to add stuff. Or think that somehow they can work up enough Frequent Flyer points or earn a Skippy Badge to get in. Isn't a man dying a horrid death on two bits of wood good enough? If not, why not? Sometimes you just want to cheer along with Paul as he writes to the churches, but then you quickly realise that he's actually writing to us as well.

The Gospel is simple people!

A man died so that you don't have to. How hard is it to get that through your thick skulls?!!

Stupidheads! Bah! - Are we really any different to the Galatians?


August 04, 2006

Horse 605 - CityRail, The New Bored Game

"CityRail" is an addictive live role-playing game played by millions of Sydney-Siders every day beneath the streets of Sydney. For the price of a single-journey ticket, "commuters" (as game participants are called) are armed with a laser gun and a truncheon and must hack their way through hordes of the undead, such as zombies, vampires, ninjas and other commuters. The aim of the game is to battle your way through the crowds of commuters to get from "A to B" however, every player in the game is assigned individual mission cards which tell them which two points serve as A and B for them as well as the price of admission to the game.

Various spanners are thrown in the works by the managers in order to make the game more difficult and challenging for the role-player. These include:

  • Trains breaking down in the middle of tunnels.
  • Trains coming anywhere up to half an hour late, with no explanation or apology.
  • Fines for having the wrong ticket/mission card.
  • Unhelpful and occasionally abusive "station attendants".
  • Poisonous air with little oxygen.
  • Rogue commuters who possibly have no ticket/mission cards of their own and who will try to steal from others.
  • Other commuters who will make the game unpleasant by sporting various enhancements like smelly food, self-generating body odour as well as chemicals in their heads making it difficult to see out of the windows.
  • Ungrateful transit employees going on strike and shutting the place down because they feel they are not paid enough to sit on their butt all day.
A recent survey by the NSW Department of Health, specifically the Mental Health Division, concluded that the live-action game was immoral in that it bullies its players with such tactics and creates increased psychological stress, aggression and even mental breakdowns. They recommended that the game be banned on mental health grounds.

A government health watchdog also said that chest and bronchial problems amongst Sydney-Sider had increased ten-fold since the introduction of the game, and recommended that tunnels be cleaned up "to prevent a potential public health catastrophe". CityRail was unavailable for comment as their media spokesman's train had broken down, and their deputy commissioner had been taken to hospital suffering from chest spasms.

Various plans are afoot to make the game even more complicated with the addition of extra routes and mission cards as well as compatibility with a new aspect of the game currently under development called "LightRail". A similar and simpler game exists in Melbourne which may be accessed by use of Metcard Systems - the two parts are known as Connex and Yarra Tram; but as yet commuters are not armed with laser guns.

August 02, 2006

Horse 604 - I Laugh At Gossip!

Ha! Ha ha ha! Heh heh m Heh Heh!

I got home after running around chasing a football last night to my sister who looked very very worried indeed. Apparantly people at her work had said nasty things about me, and that she'd spent the best part of an hour trying to defend me. She cut up pretty rough over the whole thing and especially didn't like my attitude to this affair which was summed up with my single word response...


I hurriedly explained that this was what I had to say about these people and about not her actions which were quite noble, but it made me think that my attitude in this light was even more correct. Not only did I not ask what was being said, or ask whom it was being said by, I couldn't be bothered to care either.

For I care not about what people I don't know and have never met, think about me. Should I? After working in environments of mass bitchiness and gossip in the Law Courts, I quickly learnt that reputation is actually far less important than what people make out. In fact I used to take this even further because on occasion where I found out what was being said, I'd find the person who'd been stirring up gossip and do precisely what they'd been saying in pure spite.

I remember being once accused by someone in the office, let's call her Susan (because that happens to be the first name I thought of), that I explained things in too much detail, but she was doing this behind my back. One day Susan asked me how to make double-sided & stapled copies of folded A4 documents with the photocopier (which in theory is quite difficult anyway), so I took the opportunity to explain this to her right down to the nth degree and then watched as mayhem ensued as she went around the office spreading this bit of gossip to all and sundry.
About 4 days later someone else asked me how to do the same thing; but I noticed that about 15 seconds later I had an audience of about 12 people all watching and right in the middle of the group was Susan. Realising this I stood in front of the photocopier and said: "You press this, this and this for 30 copies". 30 neat copies spat out of the machine to rapturous applause and Susan went off in a huff - thus I proved that gossip when spun on its head can be like an unexploded land mine.

There are people in this world who derive entertainment from gossip and rumour, one merely needs to scan a newsagents to see the ragazines* every week. I don't think if was some celebrity whether I'd adopt a much different attitude to what I have now. I mean who really cares anyway? It can all be summed up in that one word...


*Yes, I deliberately made this portmanteau.

Bonus 3-Day Holiday

Someone pointed out that the next three days are all PC Holidays!
... er... carry on.

Actually, no. GET A MAC!!!

August 01, 2006

Horse 603 - Just for Laughs

Belly Laughs are called this because they originate deep down in the gut of certain people. They happen when you tell a particularly funny joke or else something intensely amusing happens. For this reason I would hate to be a comedian in front of an audience of fat people. You might be telling jokes for upwards of two and a half hours before even the merest titter could be raised; then when you finally do get the desired belly laughs they would be so powerful that they'd blow you off your feet and knock-in the stage you were on causing lights to fall from overhead girders and big red stage curtains to fall into a dribbly velvet heap.

So I suppose the only truly reliable method of obtaining belly laughs would be to take yourself along to a cosmetic surgeon's where they perform liposuction. Once you've arrived at said place you can then ask the proprietor if you can collect the lardy innards of the patients who have visited. Having obtained a sufficiently large quantity of this material, I'd then find a Space Hopper or other childrens bouncy device and then fill it with this hideous substance.

You should be able to merrily hop around the district and listen for the howls of laughter emminating from your adipose jumping device. In this way, you should be able to get all the Belly Laughs you require and if you're really good, win some sort of World Championship of Belly Laughs bouncing thing.