Horse 3406 - PERSON J V ONTARIO [2024] - Judgement

The Fake Internet Court of Australia

PERSON J V ONTARIO [2024] - Judgement

H3406/1

Having learned that The Fake Internet Court of Australia is prepared to make rulings which are binding on all people at all times and in all places, and forever, a prospective litigant which wishes to remain anonymous and will be henceforth known as Person J, has decided to apply for this court to make a ruling in a case versus the Canadian Province of Ontario. 

The case in question which has demanded this fake internet court's attention, relates to a kind of pepperoni pizza which appears to be exclusively made and sold in Ontario. Person J alleges that the kind of pepperoni pizza which is made and sold in Ontario is "cringe" and that regular pepperoni pizza is "based".

These are the facts as this court sees them:

Rather than thinly slicing pepperoni before placing it atop a pizza to be set in the over, the people of Ontario allegedly shred their pepperoni before putting it on pizza. Presented into evidence is the photograph which will be ticketed as Exhibit A; in a glorious example of administrative pettiness, will be the only thing submitted into evidence.

There is no method described by Person J as to how the pepperoni is shredded before placing atop the pizza; so whether it is cut many many times, or run through with a fork, or put through a cheese grater or other such device is unknown. However the photograph does suggest that the method of shredding produces a not only relatively fine aggregate of pepperoni but uniform grade of size.

The reason for this, in the imagination of this court, is to do with increasing the available surface area of the pepperoni to be exposed to heat radiation. It is a well known phenomenon of physics that heat is transferred from one body to another via convection, conduction, or radiation; and increasing the surface area of a thing is an excellent strategy for doing so.

Pepperoni on a pizza, even with no other topping, is a fine thing. Whether the pieces are small or large, whether they curl up around the edges or not, whether they form small cups or not, or whether they develop micro char and become crispy or not, it is perhaps impossible to get a bad pepperoni pizza. In increasing the available surface area of the pepperoni to be exposed to heat, the reason for doing so is immediately obvious. The people who do this, are obviously chasing crispiness. This seems like a perfectly sensible motive for wanting the pepperoni to be shredded before placing atop the pizza.

There is no justification put forward as to why shredding pepperoni before putting onto a pizza is "cringe", nor is there any justification put forward as to why putting normal sliced pepperoni onto a pizza is "based". This court accepts the latter of these two propositions as an irrefutable axiom and/or law; so makes no attempt to disprove that statement. It is also unclear whether or not using the word "cringe" is itself "cringe", either ironically, unironically, or by way of demonstration, or means of hyperbole. 

Final Judgement:

This court notes that as presented in evidence, shredded pepperoni atop a pizza, looks perfectly acceptable. There is nothing in principle which is strange, scary, weird, or repulsive about this pizza. This court notes that although shredded pepperoni is not a thing which is familiar in this part of the world, the reasons for why one would want to shred one's pepperoni are logical. If this is a localised thing which a particular region is known for, then this is sensible. If this is a localised thing because of the characteristics of the pepperoni which is available in the local area, then this is also sensible.

If there is a material case to be decided here, then the questions which follow are:

- Would one eat this pizza? Yes one would. 

- Would one be happy to receive this pizza? Yes one would. 

- Would one be weirded out by this pizza? No; don't be daft. 

In trying to decide this case, this court has seriously begun to question why it was ever brought forth. Given that it might very well be impossible to ever get a bad pepperoni pizza, then this court wonders if this is the invention of a deranged mind. Granted this court has made rulings against both Pineapple on a pizza, and Banana on a pizza, but asking this court to rule against a particular kind of Pepperoni on a pizza seems almost like an act of trying to defy the forces of nature. This court wonders if Person J needs to be sectioned under their local Mental Health Acts, for fear of the harm that they might to do to themselves and the world at large. This court also wonders if pondering if there is such a thing as a bad pepperoni pizza, might itself be some kind of cognitohazard. 

In fact, given that literally everything about the evidence which has been presented looks both sensible and delicious, this court wonders what if any grounds could be invocated in order to justify ruling against Ontario. This court hereby orders that henceforth, that the people of Ontario continue to do their thing; in quiet enjoyment of their surrounds, and in quiet enjoyment of their shredded pepperoni pizza. This court has no beef with the people of Ontario, and we hope that we can continue to acquiesce in a mutual sense of conviviality and friendship.

As for Person J, you have wreaked vexation and frivolousness in this court. You have brought hateration and holleration into this fake internet court and as you have no sensible business by bringing the good and fair people of Ontario to court, we order you to desist and stop this egregious nonsense. If we ever see you back before this court, the penalties will be severe. Get out; lest you make a mockery of my courtroom. We are already perfectly capable of making a mockery of this fake internet courtroom as it is. You are malevolent and have now ensnared others in your villainy. Can you not see what trouble thou hast wrought? 

- ROLLO75 J

(this case will be reported in FILR as H3406/1 - Ed)