On the first proper day back in the office for 2024, a client of ours who arrived bright and early in the morning, said that he had been shopping at the Aldi on the other side of Military Road and was excited that he had made a purchase of something that he had never had before - Hot English Mustard.
You can generally guarantee, since I am a connoisseur of the mundane and boring, that if a discussion happens about something dull, I want in. Yes, history might have a few great heroes but it is the great middling millions who actually make history happen. Napoleon, Genghis Khan, Hatshepsut, and Churchill, all would have never done anything great without the ordinary people of the nation working behind them. Likewise, I think that if you really want to know what a place is like when you go travelling, then you need to visit the supermarket, go for a bus or train ride, and make an extra effort to listen to local radio and TV.
Mustard is a thing which is glorious in mundanity. This is why, having a serious and dull discussion about mustard is so wonderful. Who cares about mustard? Well, it turns out that everyone does.
Since everyone does care about mustard (and don't pretend that you do not), then I have compiled the objective list of mustards from the bottom to the top. If you don't like then list, then complain about it. Prove my premise that everyone cares about mustard. This is exactly why it is the things which don't matter at all actually matter the most.
12 - Honey Mustard
This makes the list at number 12 because although it is tasty, it really serves no purpose. Honey Mustard exists to be different because it can be. Other better combinations exist such as Dijonnaise. Honey Mustard is the thing that fancy cafes have when they want to charge double digit dollars for a sandwich. Everything that Honey Mustard does can either be done by regular Mustard and Honey (for less money) or other condiments.
11 - Heinz Mild Mustard
Heinz Corporation is wildly successful because it tries to be all things to all people. Heinz Mild Mustard also tries to be all things to all people but it ends up being nothing to everyone. This is at 11 because I think that it is literally impossible to form any kind of opinion about it. Heinz Mild Mustard exists. It is definitely a thing in the world.
10 - Colonel Mustard
Every list which ranks different kinds of Mustard is incomplete without the army officer in the the board game Cluedo. As Cluedo was invented in 1943, then Colonel Mustard was likely an officer from the First World War. As Cluedo is a timeless board game, Colonel Mustard is periodically updated. In the 2016 edition of the game, it is suggested that Mr Boddy is blackmailing him over alleged treason and war profiteering.
In all iterations, he has a moustache and a "here, here, and here" stick (okay, I have no idea what that stick is for other than pointing here, here, and here). He is always a shady character, usually a misogynist and/or womaniser, and occasionally a lovable rogue who happened to be caught with the battalion's petty cash. He did it, one sixth of the time, and with one sixth of the weapons.
9 - Yellow Mustard
This is you all purpose generic mustard. It might be texturally interesting. It might have vinegary hints. It might have hints of horseradish. It is often coloured with Yellow Tartrazine (E102), which has been banned in several countries even though no data exists to suggest that it causes cancer.
8 - American Mustard
American Mustard is different to Yellow Mustard in that it actually has a taste and that taste is American. Both Heinz and French's make classic American Mustards, which pair perfectly with hot dogs. Hot dogs may be eaten with both tomato ketchup and American Mustard. American Mustard is the only mustard that comes with the sound track of fighter jets, gunfire, various people yelling -isms, and waving Betsy Ross' banner in all directions.
Heinz American Mustard has no colours and no artificial flavours and is better than French's Mustard in all cases.
7 - Grey Mustard
Now I know that technically Yellow Mustard and Grey Mustard are likely to be the same thing but Grey Mustard is the one with less colour and more grit. Grey Mustard is the one most likely to settle out in the jar and needs to be remixed. Grey Mustard also comes with an air of exotica for free; including in those places where it is made. There is no inherent reason why Grey Poupon should be objectively better than any other mustard, other than saying the words "Grey Poupon" is fun.
6 - Dijon Mustard
As we shall see later, French Mustard is generally pretty good. Dijon Mustard somehow takes French Mustard and dials it back. Dijon Mustard is better than normal common mustards but only by a small margin. The interesting thing about Dijon Mustard is that it replaces the vinegar usually used in prepared mustards with verjuice, which is the acidic juice of unripe grapes.
5 - Pat Mustard
In the episode "Speed 3" of Father Ted (S3 E3), Mrs. Doyle repeatedly alleged that was low on milk and kept on using lots in Ted's tea so Pat Mustard who was the Milkman would come more often.
Later in the episode, Father Ted and Father Dougal are judging a cute baby competition by looking at photographs when they notice that many of them look suspiciously similar to Pat Mustard. Ted suspects that Pat had fathered several children across Craggy Island and when he eventually shows the photographs to Mr. Fox who is Pat Mustard's employer, Mr. Fox fires Pat and Dougal takes his place.
To exact revenge, Pat places a bomb on the milk float and telephones Ted telling him that if Dougal were to drive over 4 miles an hour, then the bomb will be armed, and if he goes under 4 miles an hour, it will explode and kill him.
Pat Mustard is one of the few actual genuine villains of the series who by the end of the episode has racked up attempted murder, terrorism, illegal use of explosives as crimes and mass adultery as sins.
4 - Wholegrain Mustard
Wholegrain Mustard is basically Yellow or Grey Mustard but with grainy bits in. What's not to love here? This is similar in spirit to Crunchy Peanut Butter; which is Peanut Butter but with bits in. Wholegrain Mustard is more mustard per mustard than other mustard. In the world of mustard where more is more, then more mustard per mustard is objectively better.
3 - French Mustard
All mustards are good but this is the first on the list which aspired to greatness and actually achieved it. French Mustard is not actually French in origin but was invented by Colman's in 1936.
2 - English Mustard
Whatever was great about French Mustard, is amplified with English Mustard. English Mustard provides that heat and bite which is excellent when paired with roast beef, silverside, or spiced pork. English Mustard uses both yellow and brown seeds and is stronger because it has a relatively low acidic content.
1 - Hot English Mustard
Whatever was great about French Mustard, is amplified with English Mustard, and then amplified again with Hot English Mustard. I am truly happy when I have fire snorting out of my nose, when my eyes are crying, and when I have keeled over on the floor because of the heat. Hot English Mustard, Gojujang, Wasabi, and Chili Kebab Sauce are the four superheroes of the condiment world.
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