Dear Editor,
How come the public don't wake up and see what a terrible job that our Government, President, Prime Minister, Mayor is doing? I vote like everyone else and wonder how they can be so wasteful. There is no such thing as public money, only what we pay in taxes and if it wasn't for the fact that I didn't actually pay any taxes, I'd demand them back.
Yours sincerely,
Arthur Barrington-Smythe-Hove
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Dear Editor,
If there were less poor and homeless people, there wouldn't be as many of them.
Yours Sincerely,
Gladys Finklestein
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Dear Editor,
The world will soon realise that the nation of Syldavia is rotten to the core. They have committed crimes beyond all reason, they have lied horrible untruths and yet they still ask world leaders for more weapons.
Yours Secretly,
Major Gen. Wolf Kluj
Elbonian High Command
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Dear Editor,
The first casualty of war is truth. The second casualty of war is common sense and clearly the people of Elbonia have killed theirs. They have distorted facts, they have obfuscated information and yet they still ask world leaders for more weapons.
Yours Efficiently,
Field Marshal Lekk Moser
Syldavian War Office
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Dear Editor,
Went to ice cream van. Asked for a Big Toff The man looked at me like I was an idiot. Clearly it's been a while since I bought an ice cream. Next time I shall ask to buy a Magnum.
Yours Sincerely,
David Cameron PM
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Dear Editor,
How come no one has thought of this before? What we need are slot machines in schools.
This will have two benefits:
1. Schools are always crying poor, that they don't have enough funding. This will ensure that they get more money.
2. A growing problem in schools is childhood obesity. If kids gambled away their lunch money, they wouldn't be able to spend it on chips, chocolate or soda.
Slot machines in schools would be a win-win for everyone.
Yours Hungrily,
Hamilton Burger
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Dear Editor,
I once invited my friend Buda to stay for a fortnight; they still haven't left even after years and years. The friendship ends today.
Yours Grumpily,
The City of Pest
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Dear Editor,
I have a dilemma. I am currently in love with the two Hydrogen twins and feel a real bonding with both of them. It's like my whole outer world has been made complete.
Should I date both of them at the same time or should I let one go? Would it be water under the bridge?
Yours Expectantly,
Oxygen
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Dear Editor,
It's an outrage. Every single day, people come into my shop, swanning about like they own the place, eating my food, drinking my drink (sometimes they take all of the coffee) and if that weren't bad enough, they all leave without cleaning up after themselves and I have a big pile of dishes to do.
Sometimes, it's enough to make me wonder why I went into the restaurant business.
Yours Despondently,
Ronald McDonald
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Dear Editor,
I really hate Daylight Savings Time and think it should be ended immediately. I have so many clocks which I have to change back and forth every time we change. It's so bad that I usually have to remind myself last week to change the time on the microwave.
Yours Belatedly (or in the Future),
Doctor Who
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Dear Editor,
I need some travel advice.
Wherever shall I go? Whatever shall I do?
Yours,
Scarlett O'Hara
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Dear Editor,
The folks who live downstream from me are continually complaining about constantly being flooded and blame me because I use so much water on my large scale cotton plantation.
They keep on telling me that I should install some sort of flood mitigation scheme but quite frankly my dear, I don't give a dam.
Yours Precipitantly,
Captain Rhett K. Butler
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Dear Editor,
Why is it that you continue to publish letters from people who are obviously not real and have been made up for a cheap laugh?
Yours Sincerely,
Peter Wee-Wees
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