As Baliff Jesse Thorn of the Judge John Hodgman Podcast reminds us semi-regularly, Draculas can have any job. If we have learned anything from this unprecedented time, in these uncertain times, in these strange days, it's that working from home and self-isolating is useful in stopping the spread of the virus. Perhaps what isn't as immediately obvious is that the root cause of COVID-19 is Draculas.
Don't believe me? The generally accepted tale of the first outbreak was that it occurred in a wet market in Wuhan, and was spread by people eating bats. What isn't immediately clear about that tale is the key piece of information that they were actually vampire bats; probably due to it being lost in translation.
That should have put the world on immediate notice that COVID-19 was actually caused by Draculas turning themselves and reverting to their cannibalistic nature. From there it is only a short leap of logic to arrive at the irrefutable conclusion that because Draculas can have any job, then they were the vector of disease.
If Draculas are the root cause of COVID-19, then you need to think about basic measures that you can take against Draculas. Here are a few ideas:
1. Garlic.
Draculas can not stand garlic. Extensive research by the University of Killara finally isolated the active chemical in garlic as something called pyroxymethyl-ursulathene (PMU). This is one of the reasons why garlic happens to have that funny smell. Also, some kinds of Baked Beans, Spaghetti, Sauces etc. also contain this chemical and those cans and bottles are helpfully marked with the label PMU¹.
To protect yourself against Draculas, then all you need to do is eat a bunch of garlic. If that is unpalatable, then you can also eat garlic bread and/or garlic pizza. If think that that is bad, then you are quite clearly a monster and possibly a Dracula yourself. Only someone who is a hideous monster would turn down garlic bread.
Garlic Bread (and Baked Beans) also has the added benefit of making everyone else stay away from you; which also helps in reducing community transmission.
2. Daylight.
Draculas can not go out in strong daylight or else they turn to dust. Popular documentary series Twilight² has helped to spread a disinformation campaign, as there are no such things as sparkly shiny Draculas.
Professor Doctor Reverend President Donald J Trump (amen) was quite right in saying that daylight would help stop the virus. Although putting lights into the human body is impractical, standing outside in the middle of a field and completely isolated from everyone else will also help in reducing community transmission. Going mad and going around on all fours eating grass also has the added benefit of making everyone else stay away from you; which also helps in reducing community transmission.
3. Running Water.
Draculas also can not stand to be near running water. This is why doctors have advised that you wash your filthy grotty little hands with soap. They will tell you that it is to stop the lipid attachment system of the virus on a molecular level but really it is to keep Draculas from getting inside your house.
Some people have advised that you should use hand sanitizer every time you enter a commercial premises and there is a lot of truth in that, and also for the added reason to clean your hands of the hand sanitizer that you used at the previous commercial premises that you entered just four minutes ago. My record is nine times in an hour.
4. Being Undead.
Draculas can not find the nutrition that they need if the host is either dead or undead. Since being dead turns out to be a real bummer and ruins the rest of your day, then you could try being undead. Be advised though that the process is irreversible and may result in a distinct lack of intelligence and cognition.
The first way to become undead is to replace all of your blood with barbeque sauce. Admittedly while this will make you invulnerable to Draculas, it will make you more attractive to Tigers because Tigers love barbeque sauce and you will have effectively marinated yourself from the inside. Upon failing that, you might like to inject yoruself with petrol or bleach. The makers of Clorox and Lysol pleaded with Americans not to inject or ingest their products but how do we know that they're not Draculas as well?
5. Crosses.
Draculas can not stand crosses. This is because all Draculas have arithmomania and need to count things³. A useful distraction for Draculas is to dump a handful of rice on the ground because they have a compulsion to count the grains. Crosses on the other hand are mathematical operators and indicate addition and multiplication. As Draculas are lazy and they have arithmomania, this merely provides extra work for them.
Installing crucifixes everywhere will ward off Draculas. Various kinds of flags such as the Cross of St George, the battle flag of the Confederate States of America, the Eureka Flag, the Union Jack, and the Southern Cross, are all widely recognised symbols of racism and white supremacy and that the flag flyer might actually be dumb enough inject themselves with barbeque sauce, petrol or bleach.
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It should have been obvious to all and sundry that the root cause of COVID-19 is Draculas. The clue is in the name: COrona VIrus Draculas - 19. In these unprecedented, uncertain, strange, crazy, times, we need to ask ourselves WWADND: What Would a Dracula Not Do? One handy way to identify Draculas is to ask them to appear on various NPR radio programs like NPR Morning Edition, This American Life, and All Things Considered. Since Draculas can not see themselves in a looking glass, they also can not see themselves speaking to Ira Glass either.
In the meantime, you'll just have to wash your hands and watch for Draculas. They could be anywhere. Draculas can have any job... ANY JOB!
¹https://pbs.twimg.com/media/Ejmt5wZUYAAsiSK?format=jpg&name=medium
²making jokes about something which I have not seen and have no desire to see.
³"They call me The Count because I love to count things." This is further proof that Count Von Count is a Dracula.
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