The Fake Internet Court of Australia
SUVs v THE STATE OF BEING COOL [2023] - Judgement
H3134/1
It has been brought to the attention of this court by means of application, that an appellant whom we shall call Appellant V wants a case quantified.
Appellant V:
I have just bought a new VW Touareg. How cool is it?
The question before this court today, is that Appellant V wants to ask this court how cool their VW Touareg is. However, it is the opinion of this court that this is the wrong question. The state of how cool a thing is essentially an epistemological one. We do not ask how Wednesday today is, as if the state of how Wednesday is is something that can be quantified. Either it is Wednesday or it is not. Likewise, the question of how cool a thing it is irrelevant because either the thing is cool or it is not. If you remove the word "how" from the question, then we are left with the question of being - is?.
Before we even attempt to answer the question. We need to look at what is being brought before it. The VW Touareg is an SUV from Volkswagen. It is reasonably biggish and a perfectly reasonable, rational and sensible choice for the prototypical nuclear family to have. This is pretty much a perfect fit for Appellant V's family of husband and wife and two sprogs aged 9 and 6. It is adequate for adding one more sprog.
We need to lay out some basic facts before we get anywhere within the domains of argument that help us answer the question.
Firstly: People like what they like.
There need not even be any objective reason why people like something or do not like something. Personal preference is like looking into a black box within a black box within a black box... ad nauseum ad infinitum ad hoc ad nigrum arca. C'est diabolique! The reason why people like what they like and do not like what they do not like, sometimes defies all earthly description; so it's best not to even question why.
Secondly: Uncool things can be cool because they are uncool.
If you ask a website like Jalopnik, or Reddit's r/cars, or some equally strange open forum, the general opinion is that the coolest car is a Brown Manual Station Wagon or a White Van. Do not question why. This just is.
Thirdly: Cool things can be uncool.
Cars like BMWs, Porsches, Ferraris, Mercedes-Benz, et cetera should be cool. In practice, the kinds of people who drive them tend to be knaves, achieved their means to buy them through advanced knavery, and then have an outsized practice of knavery when they drive on the road. It is unknown to the world as to whether or not BMW's indicator lights are actually connected to the cars' electrical systems because no BMW has ever been observed using their indicators in the real world. This may or may not be true but if it is true, then BMW drivers are up there for the biggest knaves on the road.
An SUV is basically a jacked up station wagon. The reason that they exist at all was to make use of United States' taxation regulations, which at the time classified them in the same categories as commercial vehicles and that meant that the sticker price could in theory be lower. In practice it meant a marketing opportunity and in time the SUV ate the market for station wagons and family sedans by holding out the dreams of going off road (despite very rarely doing so) and the utility of being able to hold a lot of stuff.
Now then, having laid out some basic facts we can attempt to answer the question. Are SUVs cool? And by extension, is this VW Touareg cool?
Final Judgement:
Are SUVs cool? No.
Is this VW Touareg cool? No.
Of course in making a blanket judgment like this, it is necessary to spell out the reasons why SUVs in general and this VW Touareg in particular are not cool.
SUVs are bought by dads. Dads are mostly never cool. I am sorry to burst your bubble but dads can be a lot of things but buying an SUV is admission to the world that they have given up being cool and have decided to be practical. SUVs are bought by mums. Mums are also mostly never cool. I am sorry to burst your bubble but mums can be a lot of things but buying an SUV is admission to the world that they have been forced to give up being cool by their sprogs and have decided to be practical. A single person who buys an SUV is either mad, or has dogs. Buying an SUV in that case is admission to the world that they were always as daft as a brush but have decided to be practical.
An SUV is like buying track pants, or overalls, or a nice cardigan. They might be comfortable places to be in but they are not cool. Sorry. They don't even follow the second of our basic facts that we laid out before because although uncool things can be cool because they are uncool, this is only an admission that exceptions exist. Uncool things are generally uncool.
The VW Touareg in particular is one of many SUVs; which we have already determined are uncool. If you are driving an SUV, then welcome to Squaresville. Population: You.
The cool cars are in order from coolest to luke warm: Monopostos, Coupes, Ute Cabriolets, Shooting Brakes, Hatchbacks, Sedans, Wagons. SUVs, Vans, and Trucks, are not cool.
Addenda 1:
Can a person who drives an SUV still be cool despite driving an SUV? Absolutely. A person who drives an SUV still be cool while driving an SUV. While that sounds like a paradox, the reason is this.
Cool doesn't care what you or I or anyone thinks; much less the opinion of a fake internet court. Cool doesn't need to acknowledge the court of public opinion; not because it needs to laugh in everyone's faces but because the amount of cares it gives, is nil. Cool doesn't need to tear down the establishment, as it would rather simply ignore the existence of the establishment. Cool by definition writes its own rules and does not need the approval of others.
If you are driving around in an SUV because you have given up being cool and have instead decided to be practical, then the paradox of cool is that while you are driving an uncool car, you can still be cool by simply ignoring what anyone else thinks about it. If you want to think you are driving a cool car, you might be delusional but you can tell people where to go and help them get there by dropping them off.
Addenda 2:
Mrs Appellant V drives a Mazda Miata ND. Although this falls into the bounds of cliché, the reason why this does so is because it is unqualifiable cool. There is a reason why Miata Is Always The Answer even though 2 People Have A Better Answer. Miata = Cool, every which way ever.
Also Appellant V, that's good dadding. Thumbs up. Knowing that Mrs Appellant V is cooler than you is an admission of reality.
The fact that she has a Mazda Miata ND is also an admission by her that she knows that she is cool.
Directions:
This direction is for the auto makers, who in chasing profits have openly sold the great general public a lie and consistently done so. You know that SUVs aren't cool; so you try and tape over this festering boil of a lie with cool looking people and cool music in your propaganda. Stop it. Auto makers, you have brought hateration and holleration into this fake internet court. Stop it.
As for you Volkswagen, you're still in trouble. You have the Polo, Golf, Scirocco, Passat et cetera. You know how to make cool cars and yet you're just as guilty as the other auto makers. For shame. I wag my finger at you. You are malevolent and have now ensnared others in your villainy. Can you not see what trouble thou hast wrought?
- ROLLO75 J
(this case will be reported in FILR as H3137/1 - Ed)
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