Probably as long as there have been men (because it will become pretty obvious pretty quickly that women do not engage in this kind of halfwittery), they have asked the question of "Who will win in a fight?". This is less of a stupid question than actually going to war, or the pugilistic arts of wrestling, boxing, and fighting, because we can throw all kinds of things into the arena of our mind, sit back and watch the madness, and then be thankful that nobody actually got hurt.
When the following question came across my radar, I could not leave well enough alone because the idea of placing these things in combat was just too delicious to let go.
"If all the fruit were sentient, then who would win in a fight?"
When it all boils down, there are but only three criteria which ultimately determine who wins in any fight:
- the size of the combatants
- the size of the fight in the combatants
- the preparedness of the combatants
It should be obvious to all and sundry that a big empire will generally win over a smaller empire. The Roman Army can overrun the rest of the Italian people, smaller empires like the Greeks and Egyptians, and even put down uprisings like the Jewish Maccabean revolts, all through superior numbers. Likewise, I can overwhelm a Domino's Pepperoni Pizza because it is ill-prepared to cope with my size and power.
If the size of the heart of a smaller city state is huge, then not even the biggest army can overrun them. The city-state of the Republic of San Marino has existed since 301 and has seen off the Roman Empire, the Goths, Visigoths, Vandals, the Franks, the Holy Roman Empire, the Kingdom of Italy, the Fascists, and the modern state of Italy.
The preparedness of the combatants can come down to a whole host of things including tactics, equipment, location, practice et cetera. When Hannibal decided to attack the Romans by coming round the mountains when he came, he actually took elephants on skis which were rage fueled by figs and alcohol. He was then able to alloy together a disparate army made up of all kinds of ethnics groups, based on their mutual hatred of the Romans. He still lost eventually because he would have to take on Rome itself and there is no way that his army of 25,000 could take on a fortified city of 500,000 people.
We can give each of these things a score. Size: S. Heart: H. Preparedness: P. What this does is gives us the veneer of maths and a false sense of credibility to what is otherwise a very very silly pursuit. Then all we need to see is who has the best SHeP score.
There's only one way to find out who is best... FIGHT!
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BANANA:
S: 3
Banana is taller than a fist and of all the classic lunchbox fruits is the tallest. However in comparison to other fruit, one banana is not that big. Banana already knows this. Banana tends to engage in combat in bunches; not because it is a coward but because it knows that by itself it can not win alone. Banana needs community.
He: 1
Banana is easily bruised. Banana is easily mashed. Banana turns brown when it is sad. Sorry, Banana. You just don't have the heart to win this fight.
P: 1
Banana does have a protective jacket but that too is easily broken and stripped away, leaving the vulnerable goo inside. Banana just isn't made for fighting.
Banana - SheP: 5
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APPLE:
S: 2
Apple is a wee fruit which is not often bigger than a fist.
He: 2
Apple wants to win in a fight but Apple is brittle. Apple cracks under pressure and then just like Banana, goes brown when it is sad. Also, when Apple is sad or bad, if affects all of its friends in a barrel. Apple very easily suffers from bad morale and it only takes one bad apple to spoil the rest.
P: 1
Apple has a skin but no real protection to speak of. It has a stick that it can fight with but Apple is just unprepared and incompetent for battle.
Apple - SHeP: 5
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PEAR:
Pear is Apple's cousin and it bears all the marks of being in the same family. Pear thinks that it is the cool cousin and wants to differentiate itself by calling its fermented product Perry and not Cider. Still, there is nothing to be said about Pear that hasn't already been said about Apple.
Pear - SHeP: 5
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ORANGE:
S: 2
Orange as the third of the classic lunchbox fruits can be bigger than a fist but generally isn't.
He: 3
As a citrus, Orange has an acidic centre. Orange has more fight than Apple or Pear but not quite as much as its cousins. Orange is a good fighter.
P: 4
Orange has a neat protective layer of armor which it hopes will not be penetrated in a fight. Even when broken, Orange can still fight on for a bit.
Orange - SHeP: 9
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LEMON:
S: 1
Lemon is a wee ickle fruit which looks as yellow and as happy as Banana. It is small and can be easily pushed around.
He: 7
Don't mess with Lemon. Lemon looks wee and happy but it is a rage filled grenade of acid. Lemon refuses to back down even when broken. Lemon can make you cry.
P: 6
Lemon is little but confusing. You can not roll a lemon with any confidence because Lemon will not stand to be pushed about by you. Lemon will frequently change direction. Also, as dense little thing, if it is involved in aerial combat, its pointy ends can inflict pain. Lemon hates you.
Lemon - SHeP: 14
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KUMQUAT:
S: 0
Kumquat is so small that it can not even get a 1 on this score.
He: 10
Kumquat is a knave. Kumquat has a heart of pure evil. Kumquat would kill its own family if it thought that would help it get ahead. Kumquat refuses to be used in cooking and this just makes Kumquat even more bitter about it. Kumquat is not a friend to anyone and nobody else is Kumquat's friend.
P: 5
Kumquat has the same kind of armor as its citric cousins but because it is so small, Kumquat is more indestructible. Kumquat is the ungovernable terrorist of the fruit world. Kumquat is always prepared because Kumquat has no allies.
Kumquat - SHeP: 15
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GRAPEFRUIT:
S: 5
Grapefruit is where we start to get into the bigger combatants. Grapefruit is a biggish and denish fruit which thinks it can do well.
He: 4
The problem for Grapefruit in a fight is that although it thinks it can win in a fight, it is a big softie. Grapefruit has just a little bit of acid but this can be stopped with sugar. When grapefruit meets sugar, it no longer has the will to fight.
P: 5
Grapefruit generally has a big thick armor coat, even more so than its citric cousins. When broken Grapefruit has a big pith which means that it is resilient.
Grapefruit - SHeP: 14
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GRAPE:
S: 0
He: 1
P: 0
What are you doing Grape? Why are you even here? The idiom "to be crushed like a grape" is literally because you are small and easily crushed. You belong in the cute and small gallery of the fruit battle. Also, some of you when crushed are turned into wine, which has the job of making people happy.
You can't win in a fight, Grape. Why bother?
Grape - SHeP: 1
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CHERRY:
S: 0
He: 0
P: 0
Okay this is getting ridiculous. Who let all of you in here? You even have a cute name. We're going to have to make a set of quickfire rulings because all of you are just stinking up the joint.
Cherry - SHeP: 0
This also goes for:
Strawberry - SHeP: 0
Blackbery - SHeP: 0
Blueberry - SHeP: 0
Tomato - SHeP: 0
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JACKFRUIT:
S: 9
The Jackfruit is among the biggest of the fruits and certainly has a size advantage. It is big. It is unwieldy. This together with what we shall see later, puts in in good stead.
He: 2
Speaking of "stinking up the joint", what the jinkies is going on here? If anyone says that they enjoy Jackfruit it is because they know that hiding behind a wall of stink is actually a tasty fruit. However Jackfruit has put up a defensive barrier which is so potent that many people won't even bother.
Jackfruit's problem is that it is nice. Bigness will not win in a fight if the thing is too nice to act accordingly. Jackfruit is who you want to back you up but not who you want to fight for you.
P: 7
Jackfruit comes with a layer of interesting dimples all over it; which looks impressive but isn't really adequate protection. Jackfruit looks scarier than it actually is. Jackfruit smells pretty bad; which means that a lot of its opponents would run away before they ever got involved in the fight.
Jackfruit - SHeP: 18
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ROCKMELON:
S: 6
Rockmelon is a good middle sized fruit. It's not so small that it can be pushed around but not too big either.
He: 3
Rockmelon has a good heart and likely only joined the fight because it wanted to help out its cousins. Rockmelon spends its whole day listening to Triple M and playing air guitar because deep down it knows that it isn't fantastic at fighting. Rockmelon wants to chill out on a summer's day with the tunes on; not fight.
P: 9
This is where Rockmelon shines. Rockmelon is equipped with an outer shell which is fine.
Rockmelon - SHeP: 18
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COCONUT:
S: 5
Coconut is a decent sized fruit but isn't terribly massive.
He: 0
Coconut is literally hollow. It has no ambition, no desire, no heart at all. When you do crack it open, it cries and spills its guts out. Coconut is a coward inside.
P: 10
The Coconut nut is not a nut. It's the Coco fruit, from the Coco tree. Coconut has an outer shell of armor so tough that it has made people think it is a nut. Coconuts are so resilient that they probably can be used as cannon fire and would do very considerable damage. Oh yes, they will fight but they are mostly a defensive piece.
Coconut - SHeP: 15
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WATERMELON:
S: 8
Of all the melons, Watermelon is among the biggest. If this were on size alone, then Watermelon would have a good chance at winning.
He: 1
But sadly, the Watermelon mostly crumbles inside. The Watermelon is the ultimate hypocrite of the fruit battle. It is big and looks powerful but crumbles at the first sign of trouble and it lies about its innard colour. Inside it is pink; while outside it is green.
P: 4
Watermelon has an adequate coat of armor but one that is relatively easily broken. The Watermelon is like the bully who arrives and makes a big noise but when push comes to shove, falls apart all too easily.
Watermelon - SHep: 13
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PINEAPPLE:
S: 7
Now we have arrived at everyone's favourite to win. Pineapples have been as big as 10kg.
He: 7
Do not be deceived by Pineapple's sweet taste. Remember, pineapple is a deviant who wants to sneak its way into places where it does not belong such as pizza. The heart of a Pineapple is fibrous mass of lies and deception. The more it grows, the more its internal lies and deception grow harder and deeper.
P: 10
This is not normal. If it isn't the weird set of scales all over it, it's its hideous spiky crown. Pineapple has declared itself ot be the winner of the fruit battle. Yet again, this is lies and deception. Pineapple is big and bad, but there is one who is bigger and badder.
Pineapple - SHeP: 24
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We have arrived at the winner. This might be expected for some of you but for everyone else, you knew this was coming.
DURIAN:
S: 10
Durians can be orders of magnitude bigger than most other fruit. There have been Durians that have weighed as much as 55kg and have been as much as 35 inches around. This is a person sized fruit.
He: 6
Durians are not exactly easy to get into. Once cut they are reasonably easy to eat and taste kind of okay but they're not fantastic. The heart of a durian is rampant indifference to you.'
P: 10
No. Just no.
I have heard a description of the smell of durians as being like a combination of pig-poo, turpentine, onions, and old gym socks. The outside is feral, the smell is feral. If Durian were hauled before the International Criminal Court in The Hague, it would be classified as a war crime for breaking several of the Geneva Conventions on War and Crimes against humanity.
Durian is obviously our champion.
Durian - SHeP: 26
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One caveat that needs to be added to this is that the question of "who would win in a fight?" assumes that there are 1v1 battles. In the real world grapes and cherries don't fight alone, Bananas hang around in bunches, and Apples and Pears build war barrels. All that aside, Durian is the magnificent knave of the fruit world, the nefarious villain, and the king of all that is evil.
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