THE PEOPLE V BREAKFAST CEREAL [2026] - Judgement
The Fake Internet Court of Australia
H3536/1
On a motorsport forum which I like to read, people were discussing what the various drivers in the Formula One paddock were having for breakfast. There was much consternation when it was revealed that Kimi Antonelli and George Russell were skipping so many breakfasts and dinners, that it looked like a borderline eating disorder meal plan. The reason in principle is that just an extra kilo or two can amount to a few hundredths of a second on the track.
Former F1 driver Daniel Ricciardo even suggested that the drivers "starve themselves"; probably for this exact same reason.
https://x.com/cherieisla/status/2074767274821472509?s=20
Also in that same discussion, it was revealed that Lewis Hamilton liked to eat hotdogs for breakfast because if he ate whatever he wanted to early in the morning, then he wouldn't care about getting hungry later in the morning. We have to assume that Lewis Hamilton probably has some idea of what is talking about as you don't get to be a seven time Formula One World Champion by accident.
You will notice that none of the above mentions breakfast cereal at all. The case which has rattled its way through the internuts until it finally made its way to this court and found this fake internet court's attention, is to answer the question about whether breakfast cereal deserves to exist.
These are the facts as this court sees them:
Let's be perfectly honest here. Skipping breakfast in principle is not as terrible as people make out. The reason for this is that most "breakfast" food is a nutritional scam. Most branded breakfast cereals either fall into the category of being so incredibly boring that even media designed for children treats it as the punchline for a joke, or being so loaded up with sugar as to be diabetes inducing.
Long before Bert from Sesame Street, who is the stereotypical most boring man in the world, was eating oatmeal, Goldilocks was wandering into ursine houses and stealing porridge in a cautionary tale of the importance of respecting other people's property and the consequences of trying out things that don't belong to you. At the other end of the breakfast cereal spectrum, Tony Tiger, Sam Toucan, Coco the Monkey, all try to push their wares on children, in the same way that a drug pusher working in a much bigger ring might.
The unsaid truth that that there is no reason you need cornflakes, or oatmeal, or porridge in the morning. Even the replacements that are sold to professional business people are diabolical. Breakfast bars or meal replacement drinks such as Up & Go seem to me to be an awful and expensive way to replace breakfast cereal.
Toast exists. Croissants exist. Muffins exist. Lewis Hamilton eating hotdogs for breakfast proves that if you are a professional athlete, then not even that is enough reason to stop you from eating beef or chicken in the morning so you don't feel like sludge all day long. Rice exists. The traditional meal ascribed to tradespeople of Bacon and Eggs is glorious. You will not find cereal in a full-English or full-Irish breakfast.
Having said all of this, even the story behind the existence of breakfast cereal leaves a lot to be desired. Dr. John Harvey Kellogg took over the Battle Creek Sanitarium in 1876; which was originally founded by members of the Seventh-Day Adventist Church as a health resort and medical spa. It did all of the things that you would expect of a health spa and in addition to promoting things like fresh air, exercise, hydrotherapy, and vegetarianism, it banned all of the things which they Seventh-Day Adventists thought were excitable for a person and banned meat, alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine.
Probably because Dr. Kellogg was interested in improving people's body, mind and soul through a program he called "biologic living", his treatments at the Battle Creek Sanitarium were mostly grounded in his religion’s tenets of dietary and sexual abstinence. This means to say that the reason why corn flakes were invented and marketed as breakfast food is... interesting... to say the least.
Final Judgement:
The subjective test of whether or nor people are allowed to like breakfast cereal is not at issue here. The general ruling that people are allowed to like what they like still stands. This Fake Internet Court is not charged with that decision but rather, the question of whether breakfast or not breakfast cereal deserves to exist at all.
Having looked at the function which breakfast cereal was designed for, the alternatives which exist, and even the reason that breakfast cereal was invented at all, this Fake Internet Court can only declare that breakfast cereal exists and was invented in bad faith. Indeed the very reason that Dr. Kellogg invented it at all should bear testament to its horridness. By design BREAKFAST CEREAL IS STEALING YOUR LIFE FORCE.
Furthermore, the traditional French breakfast of having a Gauloise wrapped inside a Gitanes with un double café before working for two and a half hours before going on strike, or the traditional English breakfast of having bacon, eggs, beans, black pudding, white pudding, sausage, tomato, sausage and spam, egg bacon spam and spam, and then complaining about a war that you never fought in, both seem to exactly the same job as breakfast cereal.
Nevermind the fact that Sam Toucan's and Tony Tiger's ideal of an ADHD diabetes rush at 7am is a bad idea. Just the mechanics of how these things are processed by the human body should suggest that sugars and high glycemic carbs are suboptimal in the morning, unless of course your intention is to crash hard two hours later. To be fair though, with the general consensus that energy drinks exist as emotional support drink because everyone needs something to numb the pain as time slowly withers their life away, day by day in an endless cycle of burnout - eat, sleep, work, repeat, 'til the clock runs out - then breakfast cereal starts to look like more of a surrender.
Breakfast Cereal, you are guilty of both conspiracy and deception. You have brought hateration and holleration into this fake internet court and as you have no sensible business by ruining people's lives like this. You are malevolent and have now ensnared others in your villainy. Can you not see what trouble thou hast wrought?
To that end, this Fake Internet Court rules that all Breakfast Cereal must be taken to a Hazardous Waste Management centre where it can be disposed of in the same way that other dangerous chemical and industrial waste is destroyed. We expect all Breakfast Cereal to be repackaged in brown or olive plain packages in the meantime, and that this process is to be complete by the end of 2027.
This ruling is binding on all people at all times and in all points in history. The fact that this is such a trivial matter means that it is of national importance but this Fake Internet Court is prepared to deal with the fallout.
That is all.
- ROLLO75 J
(this case will be reported in FILR as H3536/1 - Ed)
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