Horse 3539 - THE PEOPLE V TUNNOCK'S CARAMEL [2026] - Judgement

THE PEOPLE V TUNNOCK'S CARAMEL [2026] - Judgement

The Fake Internet Court of Australia

H3539/1

https://bsky.app/profile/jagohazzard.bsky.social/post/3mysbuwhdy22i

I’m tired of the Jaffa Cake debate. The important question is: Tunnock’s Caramel: biscuit or chocolate bar?

- Jago Hazzard, 27th Oct 2026

When it comes to making legal decisions that matter, other courts are more adept and capable. However, if you want a case like this settled (and even if you don't this Court will wade in anyway), then The Fake Internet Court of Australia is not only capable but willing.

These are the facts as the Court sees them:

Tunnock's as the manufacturer of the venerable Tea Cakes, frequently engages in confusing the general public. It is almost as though Tunnock's as the keeper of comestible insanity north the border, deliberately tries to cause as much noise and confusion as possible. This Court suspects that this is the reason why when the Romans arrived upon the island of Britannia and came to a people where thistles grow waist high and nobody had invented proper trousers, that they thought that it wasn't worth the effort and built a wall. Hadrian's Wall is not to keep the barbarians out but rather, to stop sensible Romans from being infected with cussjackery.

By construction, Tunnock's Caramel is composed of five wafer layers, four layers of caramel, and then coated in chocolate. As far as the Cube Rule of Food goes, Tunnock's Caramel is actually a lasagne, though the idea that this is a lasagne for the purposes of this discussion brings us no closer to the discovery of what it is. For this we need to tread one step deeper into the fray.

The prophet V in the period piece V For Vendetta posited that "'Who' is but the form following the function of 'what' and what I am is a man in a mask." If this is true, which we have no reason to suspect otherwise, then we can work backwards down the line and arrive at the proposition that 'what' is the function which immediately comes before 'who'. We already have 'who'; so it follows that if we can see 'who' Tunnock's Caramel lives with, then we should be able to discover 'what'. Generally speaking, Tunnock's Caramel lives in the biscuit aisle of the supermarket. This means that its immediate friends are Rich Tea, Digestives, and other chocky bikkies. Is this enough to settle the argument? Sadly, no.

If we divert out attention to the chocolate bar aisle, we find that we have another thing which although is different in construction, is similar in components, and lives next to things which are similar in component - Twix.

Twix is a biscuit with a line of caramel on top; which is then coated in chocolate. Twix very much thinks that it is a chocolate bar. Nobody really seems to have a problem with this. Where we run into complications though, is that immediately next door, is Kit-Kat. 

Kit-Kat is composed of three wafer layers, other layers of chocolate substance which is actually other broken Kit-Kats, and then coated in chocolate. Apart from the obvious moral abhorrence that Kit-Kat self-cannibalises, in this whole discussion Kit-Kat although appearing to be sensible, is actually playing as much of an insane game of cussjackery as Tunnock's Caramel is. In places like Japan and Korea where Kit-Kit is no longer governed by the rules of decent society, Kit-Kat asserts utter madness and jumps from mere whimsy into full-blown 30 Xanatos Gambit Pileup Cussjackery Hatstand, by having flavours like Matcha, Green Tea, Cheese, Soy Sauce and Miso, Menthol Cough Drop, as well as naming flavours after concepts like "Souvenir" and "You Will Surely Win".

Twix is sensible but odd. Tunnock's Caramel is odd but whimsical. Kit-Kat is full on psychopathic.

Final Judgement:

The ontological test of what Tunnock's Caramel is does not yield a sensible result. We therefore have to conclude that the familial test of who is in Tunnock's Caramel kin group, is the metric by which to judge this. 

This Fake Internet Court therefore accepts the prima facie evidence, that Tunnock's Caramel is a biscuit for no other reason than that's where it has chosen to live. This Fake Internet Court accepts that Tunnock's Caramel was probably a stateless refugee with no standing identity; which along which Tunnock's Tea Cake, chose to live among the biscuits. This Fake Internet Court does not care about the VAT implications because taxation is treatment after the fact, and His Majesty's Revenue and Customs is its own agency with its own issues.

Tunnock's Caramel you are the chocolate lasagne which is a biscuit; to my Jaffa Cake adjacent debate.

As for you, Kit-Kat. You are guilty of both psychopathy and malevolence. You have brough hateration and holleration into this fake internet court and as you have no sensible business by ruining people's lives like this, we order you to cease and desist. We order you to continue doing nice things to people such as Minty Aero and Gooey Caramel, but Mango and Bacon is a step too far. We order you Kit-Kat,  to END THIS MADNESS NOW.

This ruling is binding on all people at all times and in all points in history. The fact that this is such a trivial matter means that it is of national importance but this Fake Internet Court is prepared to deal with the fallout.

That is all.

- ROLLO75 J

(this case will be reported in FILR as H3539/1 - Ed)