pg 9 - World
pg 15 - Finance
pg 23 - Opinion
pg 24 - Letters
pg 36 - Crossword
pg 37 - Niceword
pg 40 - Weather
pg 48 - Sport
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Dear Editor,
I think that all of these striking train employees should put up, shut up, and get on with it. I myself have never gone on strike because I have never worked a day in my life.
Yours etc.
Lord Sir Alfred Larkington-Wobbleford
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Dear Editor,
Is this the way to Amarillo?
- Tony Christie
No.
-Ed.
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Dear Editor,
I was driving along in my convertible, with the top down, having a lovely time, when I came to the Subway Lane rail bridge. The bridge is so low that I had to make a detour and drive all the way to the roundabout at Farley St and use the overpass.
I hate to stick my neck out like this but it is high time that the council did something about all of the low bridges. I also hate all of the low hanging branches and banners which protrude into the streets around here. Something must be done.
Yours,
G.Raffe
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Dear Editor,
My dog has suddenly turned purple, what should I do?
- Mortin Dulux
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Dear Editor,
I would like to make a correction to my letter of the 15th of August. For the record, there weren't seven but three.
Yours affectionately,
"Stabby" Wilson (gangster)
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Dear Editor,
Has anyone seen my husband Bill? He went out last night in the middle of the night, turned off all of the lights; the television, refridgerator, and microwave oven all stopped working.
I am ever so worried.
Yours in anticipation,
Jill Electric.
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Dear Editor,
I took Eoin Fishburn's advice (see Letters 22nd July) and built a bicycle from all of my discarded cans. Unfortunately as I have not learned to ride a bicycle, I wobbled all over the road and crashed into a wall, thus breaking my bicycle. As I do not wish to rebuild my bicycle made from all of my discarded cans, can anyone suggest how I can recycle my bicycle?
- Bill Mulga (Eaglehawk)
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Dear Editor,
I object to supermarkets like Fleming's and Safeway getting their eggs from battery hens. We simply can't afford to go on like this. The national grid can't handle it. We need old fashioned gas powered hens.
Yores,
Mildred Migglestein
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Dear Editor,
Is this the way to Amarillo?
- Tony Christie
No.
-Ed.
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Dear Editor,
My son Bill went out last night and has not returned. If anyone finds him, then please make sure to give him some money so that he can come home again. I suspect that this is my fault. He was working for me but I have neglected to pay his wages. This should stand as a lesson for all that everyone needs to pay their Bills.
Still in the dark,
General Electric.
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Dear Editor,
About a week ago, I accidentally swapped my tube of Colgate with a tube of Dencorub. Suffice to say, hilarity soon ensued but I learned some valuable lessons.
Colgate is not particularly good at treating muscle pain, though it makes your calves smell minty fresh. My breath now smells like a changing room after a boxing much but the upside is that my teeth no longer hurt.
Yours indubitably,
Allen Key.
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Dear Editor,
Maths teachers need to stop trying to find me. I just want to be left alone. I'm not one of your petty problems which needs to be solved. We might have had a thing going but now it's over.
Yours in secret,
X.
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Dear Editor,
In response to Angela Jones' future letter of the 12th of November, I am a time traveller and have found that if you have a faulty magnetic flux capacitor, this can easily be replaced by wiring two turboencabulators in series and connecting this new hybrid module to the hydrocelator.
Yours quietly,
Julia Verne.
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Dear Editor,
I don't know what the answer is but it's got something to do with triangles.
- Pythagoras.
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Dear Editor,
It is becoming increasingly obvious that none of these letters are real, that everyone has been made up, and that these letters are only here as a cheap excuse to get laughs.
Yours angrily,
Brigadier Clyde Auburn-Lidcombe.
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Dear Editor,
In response to Tony Christie's letters of the 2nd of September, there is no good way to Amarillo. I tried Amarillowing once and I got arrested. Don't do it. It's dangerous. Stay Safe.
Yours in waiting,
Marie Sweet.
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