January 16, 2023

Horse 3132 - Could You Eat A Cardassian?

There are two cats in my household. The correct number of cats to have is two because one cat will get lonely by themselves and three cats is the beginning of "crazy cat lady" territory. The number of the counting of the correct number of cats is two and two is the counting of the correct number of cats. Four is right out.

A thing to remember about cats though is that when they aren't expanding to fill all available space on the couch or on your bed, demanding to be fed in the morning, or running around at stupid o'clock in the morning like a mad thing, despite their fluffy exterior (you must put your face in a kitty) they are still highly efficient killing machines. The problem with this though is that my cats while being highly efficient killing machines are still confused eejits when it comes to know what to do with the thing that they have just caught.

I am sure that Micah has no intention whatsoever of eating any of the lizards that he has managed to catch; likewise I am sure that Purranna upon actually pinning down a noisy mynah, had no idea of what was supposed to happen next. I have no idea if upon finding a nest, that they would even know that the eggs inside are edible.

By the same token these highly efficient and yet eejitacious killing machines, can be asleep on the couch and miraculously be brought out of a fugue state upon the knowledge that there might be bacon and eggs cooking. At the weekend, Purranna was asleep when we were eating salad (which I imagine she thinks is utter garbage) but snapped to hyper-attention the second that there might be bacon on the offering. 

I wonder what would happen if we apply this same principle upwards to people. Quite obviously we know how to raise beefs and bacons for dinner but what would happen if in some future we invent space travel and come across other beings. At what point do we consider them either edible or not?

One of the neat things about fiction and about science fiction in particular is that we can game out questions like this in theory. The curious thing about the great stock of science fiction thus far (at least in my nerdular nerdulence reading) is that there is very little in the way of meeting beings from other worlds and deciding that they might be delicious.

HG Well's 'War Of The Worlds' famously has the invaders from Mars arrive on Earth and our weapons are largely useless against them. The thing which does eventually kill them is a plethora of earthly pathogens; to which they have no defence. This became strangely prescient with the onslaught of the 1918-20 Flu Pandemic. This is a demonstration one of the other functions of science fiction in playing with our deepest fears (also see Frankenstein, Dracula, 1984, Brave New World et cetera for this kind of them). However, even in 'War Of The Worlds' there is never any indication that the Martian invaders might be delicious. This theory is never tested.

Speaking of Dracula though, although he has no intention of actually eating people (or eating anything for that matter) he has no problem with biting people and drinking their blood. It is also stated that he actively keeps people alive for the sole purpose of drinking people's blood.

There aren't even many examples of this kind of thing in films and television either. In 'Star Wars: Return Of The Jedi' there are little cannibalistic murder bears called the Ewoks, who actually do mean to eat the protagonists of the film upon their meeting. We also learn in that film they they do not mind eating one of their own. This also makes me wonder about Chewbacca who is a seven foot tall bear-man thing. I am sure that given the opportunity that he would have had no problem eating the protagonists.

Perhaps the only example that I can think of where we even come close to this is in Douglas Adams' 'The Restaurant At The End Of The Universe'; which features a creature which has been engineered and bred to actively want to be eaten. When given the chance to actually do so, the protagonists of that story decline the offer. 

Peyo's Gargamel in 'The Smurfs', actively intends to eat the Smurfs. One of his frequent songs in both the books and the animated series spells out his intention to "Roast a few and pickle a few and serve a few real cold." I note that the Warner Bros. Coyote has very strong intentions of eating the Road Runner but is never able to.

I have eaten both crocodile and snake on occasion; which says that I am perfectly capable of eating reptile. What I have no idea about is if anyone in the Star Trek universe has ever considered eating the Cardassians, who are a race of reptile people. I am reasonably sure that if given the chance that the Cardassians (and for that matter the Romulans) would eat humans.

I am pretty sure that it is established canon in the Doctor Who universe, that the Sontarans are a race of warriors who have all been genetically engineered from potatoes. I have no idea about the physiology of the Sontarans; so I do not know if you could boil them, mash them, or stick them in a stew. I also do not know if Space McDonald's would look at the Sontarans and see them as a potential source of French Fries.

Does this suggest that there is some sliding scale of sentience and a point after which we would not be inclined to eat other things? At least on Earth, people seem to have no problem eating everything that doesn't talk back. People are less inclined to eat their pets; which implies some kind of upper bound somewhere. Perhaps there would be no problem if we had perfectly efficient recycling such as the Replicator on the USS Enterprise or whatever goes on in the recycling centre on Coruscant in Star Wars. Already in a roundabout way, the Earth is a very efficient recycling centre which makes all kinds of lovely chemicals which are then turned into plants and animals and people, before other chemistry happens which turns those chemicals back into refuse.

This last point makes me wonder what exactly is going on on the Axiom in 'Wall-E'. This movie is set 500+ years in the future; which makes me wonder if they have finally nailed the art of recycling people into milkshakes or whatever it is in those cups. Or is it that everyone is just blissfully unaware of what's going on and honestly do not care?

Of course the question hiding in plain sight here is "Could I eat a Cardassian?" I don't know. Maybe? Could I eat a Sontaran? I don't know. Maybe? Could I eat a Sontaran if it was turned into French Fries at Space McDonald's? Probably? Could I eat a Bantha? Almost certainly. Could I eat a human? No. Could my cats eat me? If they have no idea about what to do with a lizard or a bird, then I am sure that they have no idea what to do if they found a dead person... except demand to be fed.

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