The Fake Internet Court of Australia
POTATO CAKES v POTATO SCALLOPS [2023] - Judgement
H3134/1
It has come to the attention of this court that the Scottish Restaurant whose name dare not be uttered lest something terrible and horrible happen (which parents of sprogs will attest to, for after the name of the Scottish Restaurant is uttered, they then wan to go there), has decided in addition to selling French Fries and Hash Browns, has also decided to sell Potato Cakes/Scallops. This court has been asked to make a ruling on which name is correct and/or best.
Firstly it has to be said that the English language, that bastard tongue of no father, who grew up on a small cold and wet island, is a vulture of a language which shamelessly steals from everywhere. It steals nouns and makes them its own. It steals verbs and makes them its own. It then mashes words together of different origins and fashions them into new words. The word 'television' has both Greek and Roman word parts; which merely serves to prove what a savage the English language is.
The Scottish Restaurant whose name dare not be uttered, has decided to lay its cards on the table and call these things Potato Scallops. The two questions posed before this court are:
1 - is this correct?
2 - should they have done this?
These are the facts as this court understands them.
The name 'Potato Scallops' appears to exist in New South Wales and Queensland but has been seen in isolated pockets in Perth. The name 'Potato Cakes' appears to exist in Victoria, Tasmania, and the south eastern corner of South Australia. The name 'Potato Fritters' appears to exist in South Australia and the Northern Territory. There is insufficient data to determine what is standard in Western Australia.
It makes sense that a nation as vast and unwieldy as Australia, where distances are measured in hours and sometimes days, is going to have regionalisms across the country. Admittedly this is not quite as stark as the lexicographic problem that happens for the Morning Star and Evening Star, where a language has different words for the same thing, as this is a case where different words for the same thing exist in different places.
This kind of thing exists in Australia all over the place. Australia has different words for the same thing because the six states which grew up in semi isolation, invented their own terms for things and didn't need to care that they might be different elsewhere in the country. When you show up and order 285mL of beer, in Queensland you generally order a 'pot', in most places in the southern states you'd be ordering a 'middy', in Tasmania it is a 'ten' and in the Northern Territory it might be a 'handle.
In answer to Question 1, the fact that Scottish Restaurant whose name dare not be uttered, has decided to name this flat potato object a 'Potato Scallop' is perfectly reasonable and correct in New South Wales and Queensland but madder than a cut snake in the rest of the country.
This court is of the opinion that regionalisms are perfectly fine; so the question of if this flat potato object should be called a 'Potato Scallop' or a 'Potato Cake', or even a 'Potato Fritter', is "Yes". This court can not make any judgement other than to say that the description of a thing, is subject to the area where description of a thing is being made. However, this does not mean for a second that there is no judgement in this case.
Final Judgement:
Oh dear, Scottish Restaurant whose name dare not be uttered. You have decided to lay your cards on the table and call these things 'Potato Scallops' and this court simply can not allow this to stand. While we recognise your right to free speech and your right to call a thing what you will, we find that you are guilty of both ignorance and willful intolerance.
We cite the 'The Fresh Food People' who call themselves either Woolworths, Safeway, Purity, Roelf Vos or even Countdown depending on where they are in the world. The Woolworths Group has decided to call its suspicious meat chub loaf either 'polony', 'fritz', or 'devon', depending on where they are in the country (see Horse 2858) If a company like Woolworths is capable of doing this, then surely a company like the Scottish Restaurant whose name dare not be uttered can make different paper bags depending on where these flat potato things are sold.
But oh ho ho, Scottish Restaurant whose name dare not be uttered, you have compounded ignorance and willful intolerance with manufactured outrage in a publicity drive. Primarily Seven West Media and News Corp outlets have run stories about this, claiming that there was outrage; when in actual fact the only outrage that I was able to find was from media pundits claiming that there was outrage. I suspect that this manufactured outrage may have been paid for as part of advertising budgets but nobody will admit to this. In answering Question 2, we can only assume that Scottish Restaurant whose name dare not be uttered, has acted in bad faith for the sole purpose of generating revenues. For Shame.
Oh dear, Scottish Restaurant whose name dare not be uttered, you have brought hateration and holleration into this fake internet court. This court hereby decides that you either make different paper bags for these flat potato things depending on the market, or that you give them some proprietary name such as "McFritter" or other some such.
To the people of Australia, this court hereby orders you to call these flat potato thingys by any name that you were previously calling them. We also advise weakly, that you buy them from an independent fish and chip shop which is run by someone called Jang, Johnson, Jagamurra, Jahiem, Jahir or Jude. Australia is a vast and unwieldy place which is big enough to accommodate people from the four winds.
As for you Scottish Restaurant whose name dare not be uttered, you're still in trouble. You are malevolent and have now ensnared others in your villainy. Can you not see what trouble thou hast wrought?
- ROLLO75 J
(this case will be reported in FILR as H3134/1 - Ed)
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