I was asked via the book of faces to write a piece about the "dumbest opening in chess."
I confess that I am not one for remembering a bunch of formal openings for the reason that the beginning of a game of chess is sufficiently fluid enough that formality almost immediately falls apart. The beginning of a game of chess is about trying to control those 16 squares at the centre of the board and develop as much stuff as quickly as possible. That can either be done aggressively and dynamically or glacially and defensively. People who are deep into chess theory will tell you all about the Queen's Gambit, King's Indian Defence, Cheese Sandwich Opening Horowitz Defence, Hippopotamus Defence, et cetera. However when it comes to the "dumbest opening in chess", one opening stands alone. It is so deliberately stupid that it brings forth laughter when played at the highest level.
- King's Pawn to the centre.
- do not care what the opposition does
- King to the second rank.
Or:
1. e4 e5
2. Ke2 ????!!!!
White pawn to e4 is the perfect book opening as this opens the space in front of the King, for both a Bishop and the Queen to advance into the field of battle.
Black countering with e5 is a not a bad opening of itself but it doesn't put any pressure on the White Pawn which has advanced.
White King to e2 is so bonkers-mental-bad-insane, to the point where the standard notation can't even contain the immensity of just how terrible it is. It is so immensely terrible that its nickname reflects the notion that someone must have been so utterly zonked out of their brain on drugs that they no longer have control of their senses. The name of this opening is... The Bongcloud Opening.
Supposedly invented by user "Lenny McBongcloud" at chess.com, the "Bongcloud Opening" is terrible for the following reasons.
1 - it actively blocks the Queen and the Bishop; which means that the next few moves must entail correcting the deliberate stupidity.
2 - because the King has moved, it can no longer Castle with the Rooks any more.
3 - because the King has advanced onto a space which has practically no cover, it becomes immediately vulnerable.
Space behind pawns is excellent because your own pieces can dance around like the Bolshoi Ballet. Space around a King is like sending Kaiser Willhelm or King George off to stand in front of the trenches in World War I. The Bongcloud Opening surrenders control of the central space, surrenders any and all tempo to the opposition, is both attackingly and defensively stupid, and so with all that in mind it deservedly gets four Question Marks and four Exclamation Marks.
So why do it?
Chess is a game which on the surface is about thinking logically and critically. Scratch the surface even just a little bit and you find out that chess is actually a sport which contains all of the bile, acid, smugness, humiliation, partisanship, and rivalry of any other sport. If chess was actually held with full size people in a stadium then it would have jerseys for the teams, scarves, and grandstands of fans chanting and hurling abuse at each other. The game itself is supposed to be a battlefield played out in miniature, though why the clergy have katanas is beyond me. If chess was held in stadia in the same way that darts, netball, basketball, cornhole, judo, or other such stadium sport was held, then all of the raw emotion of humanity would spill out into the chequered field just like it does everywhere else.
But it doesn't.
Chess is held on a tiny tiny stadium, mostly in silence, between two pugilists who are both playing not only a game which involves thinking logically and critically but which contains bile, acid and humiliation. All of the bile, acid, smugness, humiliation, partisanship, and rivalry of this sport, can be described by notation; in silence.
The Bongcloud Opening is not about gaining position, materiel, space, tempo, initiative, or any other logical advantage. No. The Bongcloud Opening is about expressing to the opposition that you think that they are the intellectual equivalent of pondscum and that you can still win by punching yourself in the face. The Bongcloud Opening is about showing open contempt for the opposition by physically demonstrating that you think that they are beneath you. It is open and obvious self-sabotage which is designed to induce confusion and outrage in the opposition. Why would you do something as stupid as that?
It is the same as Manchester United starting nine players against an opposition who is a hundred places below them in the league pyramid, in an FA Cup start. It is the same as Juan Manuel Fangio patiently walking across the track at Le Mans to his car at the start of the 24 Hour Race while everyone else sprinted. It is the same as sending out a small child to fight a seven foot tall champion. The Bongcloud Opening is an act of egregious intellectual aggression. It is also for the reasons stated above, the height of stupidity. The Bongcloud Opening is the open brag that you are better than the opposition, to the point where you can deliberately injure yourself and still win.
It had better be proven though. Winning a game using this opening will send other players into a spiral of confusion so quickly, that they can be used to power a small city. Winning after having used this opening makes the opposition question their sanity and want to flip the board in frustration. Losing after having used this opening is just desserts, just deserts, just disappointment. Losing after having used this opening merely serves to prove the foolhardiness and utter stupidity of the person who did it. It may even be a perverse form of generosity in that it's practically guaranteed to give away ELO Ranking Points to the opponent.
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