The Fake Internet Court of Australia
THE PEOPLE v PEOPLE FACING BACKWARDS ON TRAINS [2023] - Judgement
H3211/1
It has repeatedly come to this fake internet court's attention that there are people who knowingly face backwards on trains.
There are those who would argue that this fake internet court has a conflict of interest, where the judge would be a beneficiary of a decision handed down but when you consider that a fake internet court by virtue of having literally zero authority to enforce any decision it makes has no ability to make good on its assumed authority, then this is not an issue. Two half nothings are a whole nothing. It should be noted that The Fake Internet Court of Australia is more than just a kangaroo court, it is a kangaroo court which operates with a star chamber. Therefore, this fake internet court not only assumes original jurisdiction but also assumes the authority to assume it.
Granted that facing backwards on trains is not in the same category or class as committing murder, it is still heinous enough to warrant being brought before a fake internet court with no actual jurisdiction whatsoever. As this is a case of both maximum irrelevance and minimum importance, this court is most suited to judgement of this kind of case.
Before judgement is pronounced, this court would like to thank our learned friends and esteemed colleagues, Pikup Andropov acting as counsel for The People and Marsha Mellow who acted as counsel for the defence.
These are the facts as this court sees them:
A motor omnibus is a motor driven omnibus. "Omnibus" is from the Latin "Omnibus"; which means 'for, by, and with, everyone and everything'. This is an apt description for public transport generally. A "train" is a series of carriages, for the conveyance of people, in train; usually on a railway.
It should be self-evident that a train which is for the conveyance of people, in train, is shared by the great public in common. The ownership model of the train system may be public or private but this is immaterial to the case at hand. Commuter trains are shared by the general public; for the purposes of going places, such as work, school, university, shopping, for leisure, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
As far as we are aware, which means that the chances of the Court being wrong about this are high, Sydney's train network is the only major suburban network in the world which has double deck trains on it. There are places with double deck trams such as Blackpool and Hong Kong but as far as train networks go, double deck trains are usually saved for inter-urban and regional train services. Also as far as the court is aware, Sydney's train network is the only major suburban network in the world which has reversible seats on it. The reason for this is that as most suburban train networks do not use full-size pullman cars, seats are usually mounted longitudinally down the sides of train cars and not horizontally as in Sydney. Sydney's trains are mostly rows of 3 and 2; with the inter-urban network being rows of 2 and 2.
Having rows of seats necessitates that the seats are reversible. With the exception of Tangara sets (T-sets), train cars in Sydney; including A-sets, B-sets, C-Sets, M-Sets, and older V-sets, K-Sets and S-sets, all have seats where the back of the seats is mounted on a rocking mechanism so that the seat can be "flipped" to change the direction of travel.
See Exhibit A:
As trains travel linearly through space and time, they have a natural direction of travel and as such, facing in that direction of travel is preferable. For this reason the seats on trains are reversible. Flipping the seats is a convenient and easy task.
With these known facts, the court is more than adequately armed to be able to make judgement.
Final Judgement:
One does not need to have committed murder to know that committing murder is terrible. Granted that not flipping the seats is neither a crime nor a civil misdemeanor, it is still terrible.
This particular case is similar in spirit to that of Gordon's Claim in "The Railway Series" by the Reverend W.H. Awden. Gordon's Claim relates to Henry, the green engine, whistling too loudly at stations. Whistling loudly at stations is also neither a crime nor a civil misdemeanor but it is still terrible; and summed up by the priciple laid out at the centre of Gordon's Claim:
"It isn't wrong, but we just don't do it."
This court needs to stress that flipping the seats is neither a crime nor a civil misdemeanor, and facing backwards is neither a crime nor a civil misdemeanor. The question of a thing being neither a crime nor a civil misdemeanor then cries out for reason why this court should care at all. That reason is... it is terrible.
A train carriage as omnibus in train, is "Omnibus"; which means 'for, by, and with, everyone and everything'. Everyone and everything is the great public. Travelling together in a train means that the space is a shared space which by definition must be shared. Not flipping the seats and facing backwards demonstrates negligence through applied inaction or worse, psychopathy through deliberate choice.
If there is a group of people who wish to face each other, then clearly they have made the choice to be in community with each other; so facing backwards in that situation is sensible as this partitions them off from everyone else. However, a single person who is facing backwards, is assuming that everyone else wants to join in community with them. Now far be it for this court to rule against the principles of community and commonwealth but if you are facing backwards, then you have chosen to impose your strange and arbitrary rule over a kingdom of six. Why do it?
Why do it indeed? The vast majority of people who are on public transport are either tired, anxious, or nerds. There is already a social imposition which comes with travelling on public transport; it does not need further imposition from individuals who through negligence or psychopathy have imposed their little kingdoms of awkwardness on the world.
This fake internet court has no choice but to make a cease and desist order to people facing backwards on trains, where the option exists to flip the seats. Why do it? What is wrong with you? It isn't wrong, but we just don't do it.
People who face backwards on trains, you are guilty of both dastardliness and knavery. You have brought hateration and holleration into this fake internet court and as you have no business facing backwards on trains, we order you to cease, desist and stop this egregious practice. If we ever see you back before this court, the penalties will be severe. Get out; lest you make a mockery of my courtroom. We are already perfectly capable of making a mockery of this fake internet courtroom as it is.
If people face backwards on trains, then where are we as a society? It is one thing be terrible on one's own time but to ensnare others in your villainy is malevolent. Can you not see what trouble thou hast wrought?
- ROLLO75 J
(this case will be reported in FILR as H3211/1 - Ed)
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