There is an old proverb which states that:
"You should dress for the job you want; not the job you have."
While I think that this is sage advice, so that people don't look like uncouth guttersnipes, the kind of job that I want, either no longer exists or is impossible to get. The kind of job that I want is to the the Head and Comptroller of the ABC, or the Governor-General of Australia, or the CEO of a motor manufacturing company in Australia, or an idle rich Private Detective.
I pretty much already dress for the job that I want. I already own black waistcoats, flat caps, a bowler hat, a big black scary Crombie coat, and a pair of Doc Martens. I think that my problem is that I live in a world in which I was informed by Lost, Silent and Greatest Generation people, and so the midpoint of my fashion sense is about 1929. With unlimited dollarpounds I would not look out of place in an episode of Poirot, Peaky Blinders, or Doctor Who. I view these shows less as entertainment and more as a series of options for fashion choices.
Imagine then, my delight when a piece of advert propaganda came through our mailbox for Big W, in which they offered a grey waistcoat for $20. Zounds! Hurrah! I was prepared to dance the Charleston on top of a flagpole. Immediately my mind was cast to that smash hit Nintendo Switch game "Animal Crossing", which was the breakout of the pandemic and everyone was looking for an escape from being in lockdown, for a grey waistcoat is the default outfit of everyone's favourite smug villager, Raymond.
Even when doing mundane tasks like sweeping or unpacking boxes, just look how proper he looks. I have no idea what kind of interior life that this small cat has (I have two cats and they are firmly committed agents of chaos) but I imagine that he enjoys both poring and pawing over tomes of taxation law, Latin classics, electrical calculations, astro-physics, or other some such intellectual pursuit. Crisp.
Thus began my quest for Big W's $20 grey waistcoat, in order that I could dress for the job I want; which is to be a magnificent smug git, just like Raymond. But lo, and behold; drat, bother, and blast. There was no $20 grey waistcoat to be found anywhere.
On a recent trip to Emu Plains (see Horse 3223), upon which I discovered that there was precious little to do out there, I took a diversion to Westfield Penrith. Now I do not know if this is normal but there seems to be a "type" in The 'Riff. Practically everyone walking around, was clad in tracksuits and t-shirts, with the occasional Rugby League kit thrown in. Fancy in The 'Riff, appears to be having an Adidas jacket with no stains on it.
Big W, Target, K-Mart at Westfield Penrith: none of these places offered anything even approaching a grey waistcoat. The "Business" section was maybe 8 feet of clothing rack at most. Not even places like YD and Connor made an effort to sell waistcoats. I can only assume that YD and Connor's most common clients are those people who have to appear in front of His Majesty's bewigged servants, to explain why they caused malicious damage to person and property. It seemed to me that going shopping at The 'Riff was waste of time.
The big shopping centre near where I live at Blacktown, exists for a slightly more gentrified clientele but not so gentrified as to offer waistcoats. If the national uniform of The 'Riff is black and grey tracksuits, then the national uniform of Blacktown is Hi-Vis. The so-called "business" sections in Big W, Target, K-Mart are even smaller at Blacktown than it was in Penrith. You will however find an absurd amount of t-shirts with graphics on them that I can only assume are there to vaguely embrace the concept of sport or travel.
I should have realised that the bogan west is clearly not where I was to find a grey waistcoat. I should have learned from that other old proverb which states that:
"It is a mark of insincerity of purpose to seek the high-born emperor in a low-down tea shop."
So then, in order to seek a high-born shopping purpose, I then took a journey from where I work in Mosman, with its high end fashion shops and where price tags of four figures is not out of place, on the B1 bus to Warringah Mall. Much to my relief I found that the Warringah Mall has Big W, Target, and K-Mart. However once again, my hopes have been dashed like pottery upon the Steinway of sadness. Not even at the Warringah Mall would I find anything even approaching a grey waistcoat and places like YD and Connor, again made zero effort to sell waistcoats.
What the jinkies in the name of unholy Batman is going on here?! I thought that I may have stumbled upon something very wrong with the future we've found ourselves in. Could it be that waistcoats have fallen so far out of fashion that nobody wants to stock them? What do the actual business people wear, if not waistcoats?
To answer my ever-increasing pile of unanswered questions, while on a trip to deliver an Expert Report to the Family Law Court, I did a survey of the business district in Sydney; by watching "business" people leave their offices. My very unscientific survey leads me to believe that not only is nobody wearing a waistcoat but underneath suit jackets, we are completely surrounded by no ties. What happened? We used to be a real country.
The reason why I want a waistcoat and the reason why a waistcoat is better than a suit jacket is a function of function. Suit jackets are the invention of trading centres and universities and schools, where it is cold. A suit jacket serves the very real practical purpose of keeping one warm; especially back in the days before central heating. I however, live in Australia. I still need to look put together, as a magnificent smug git. I need a waistcoat for the same reason as Raymond who lives on a tropical island, or Apollo Controller Gene Kranz who worked in a room full of computers and where people chain smoked only so they could use the current cigarette that they were smoking to light the next one. As a waistcoat has no sleeves, it is excellent in warm conditions, for those weird transitional seasons which we have where you don't want a suit jacket, and for wearing underneath a Crombie coat.
I have failed in my quest to find a grey waistcoat. The people of the west are all gromity gremlins who wouldn't buy them, and the people of the east are all tieless gremlins who wouldn't buy them either. It would appear that this is simply an economic decision not to sell waistcoats any more. Wherever the $20 grey waistcoat was, I sadly have no idea. All I am left with is lament and sadness. I can not dress for the job I want.
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