Horse 3242 - A Seven Bin Army Couldn't Hold Me Back

For almost my entire lifetime, the residents of Number 10 Downing St have either been incredibly knavish, downright incompetent, or dazzling new combinations of both.

Thatcher was horribleness incarnate who demonstrated how good socialism was by running out of other people's stuff to sell. Major took over a government in disarray and never arrayed it. Blair was swept in on a wave of Cool Britannia, lied about documents and helped lead the world to an illegal war. Gordon Brown texture like sun, blathered and dithered until the clock ran out. Cameron (sorry about the pig) tried to blame poor people for the country's woes, enacted austerity to punish them and then when that didn't work, Brexited the country to a new stupid future. Teresa May was given a puzzle with no answer and couldn't solve it. Boris Johnson tried to break every moral and social faux pas in the middle of a pandemic. Liz Truss couldn't outlast a lettuce. Rishi Sunak hasn't really left "The City".

Rishi Sunak is at least a return to the tory Prime Ministers of old, in that he wants to run the country for the benefit of The City and The Square Mile, but has embarked upon an expansionary policy of also including Canary Wharf. His Premiership has been incredibly myopic; bordering on sociopathy. Sunak is very obviously a Prime Minister presiding over a ship of state which has run aground and while it might not sink, is definitely taking on water and might fall over dead in the water. Nevertheless, the taxation policy, the immigration policy, the asylum seeker policy, the policy towards Europe, the health policy, education policy, et cetera have all been thus far about feathering the nests of The City and Square Mile and the new nests at Canary Wharf. Perhaps he wants to join the canaries in the gilded cage once he is done with this obviously temporary and self-serving position, which is probably beneath him in terms of pay-grade.

I note that Britain's star has been falling at roughly the same rate as Australia's. On 15th of February 1966, the Pound Sterling and the Australian Pound were pegged at parity. A day later on Decimal Day for Australia, the Australian Dollar was $1 = 10/- or in decimal terms $1 = 50p. The exchange rate between the £.stg and the AUD yesterday was $1 = 50.000p; meaning that in 57 years, relative to each other we've gone nowhere. Backwards relative to a lot of the world but relative to each other, nowhere.

This is the part of the blog post where I'd make some satirical bon mot about Rishi Sunak's premiership (because this is the fourth paragraph and we are 400 words in; which means that in a four act comic piece, we have reached the first beat point), but not even the wittiest of witticisms do this next thing justice. In comparison, I am but a half-wit crowing about the witlessness of someone with zero-wit.

Sorting your rubbish into seven different bins.

Sorting your rubbish into seven different bins?!

Do what? Come again? Do what? I want to scream at the top of my lungs "What's going on?!", Rishi.

Does Rishi fear bins? Does he think that the witch from the fairy tale of Snow White and the Seven Bins is going to jump him in his sleep? Perhaps he is making some kind of moral stand but has made a spelling mistake and has confused the Seven Deadly Sins with Seven Deadly Bins.

You've got a housing crisis going on where you need people to work in London but the number of affordable homes to rent within the confines of the M25 is practically nothing, you've got a health crisis caused firstly by austerity and then having to deal with a pandemic and now being starved of funding, you've got a labour crisis caused by both a deliberate aversion to funding training and education and brexiteering brexit to the height of new brexitatiousness; and now you're worried about bins?

The only logical explanation that I can come up with is that the Prime Minister is insulated and divorced from reality and is playing to the audience who used to read the Grauniad, the Times, the Daily Mail, and The Sun, or the most sinister possibility of all, Sunak fears the space aliens.

As First Lord of the Treasury, Premier of the Cabinet, and first ear of the King in Government, Rishi Sunak is likely briefed about the threats to the nation from without and within. We know that these threats exist because the space aliens have already sent an ambassador in none other than Count Binface.

Count Binface, is thus far a multiple unsuccessful candidate for  Uxbridge and South Ruislip and has valiantly tried to stand for the position of Mayor of London but has thus far failed. Last time around, in a field of 18 candidates he came eighth and for the second time in three years, he beat both UKIP and Piers Corbyn in a democratic election. If that’s not a sign of hope, then I do not know what is. 

His policies have included such things as free parking between Vine Street and The Strand (for electric vehicles only), that no shop is to be allowed to sell a croissant for more than £1, that Crossrail should be finished along with Grumpyrail and Happyrail, and most importantly that the hand dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Crown & Treaty, Uxbridge, to be moved to a more sensible position. 

Would a Binface Government be so bad? I mean it couldn't very well do any worse than the abject horrorshow and damage that the tories have done over the last 13 years and what British politics has done generally in my lifetime.

I really have no sensible explanation for this at all other than that Rishi Sunak must have finally enraged the space aliens. Patience can only last so long. The good and fair people of Uxbridge and South Ruislip and London have been asked time and time again to make their vote Count but not enough people have. The invasion is coming and bins are now living collection-free in Rishi’s head. Rishi Sunak is a scared scared little man.

People in the media misinterpreted the chants of crowds at festivals. When the crowds at Glastonbury sang "Whoa, Jeremy Corbyn. Whoa, Jeremy Corbyn." This was not in praise of Jeremy Corbyn but a plea to "Whoa", slow down. Trouble was ahead. The space aliens were already embedded into British Society. "We're gonna find them all. A Seven Nation Army couldn't hold be back." There is was, hidden in plain sight. The warnings were evident.

Count Binface's pleas and protestations to a prevaricating public, were the pleas of an ambassador being sent to warn about the impending crisis. The people may have considered him to be a joke candidate but when British politics for so long has been beyond a joke, and democracy itself is making a mockery out of the very people who live in Britain, then an alien invasion is the best punchline because if it isn't, then cor lummy; junk my jenkins, what the janky jinkies is going on?!