One of the weird consequences of the law and especially taxation policy is that because people want to argue things so that they don't fall under the law or have to be compliant with it, is that the law is forced to define its own terms and often in ways which are illogical, stupid, obnoxious, or daft.
One such set of laws has to do with agriculture and livestock; because farmers and landowners almost always have an outsized voice in parliaments, the laws surrounding agriculture and livestock are yelled over more longly and loudly than other areas of law.
I have recently learned much to my annoyance, and I shan't link to the law which governs this because quite frankly I want to bang my head on a coffee table until the sweet release of unconsciousness arrives, that there are only three kinds of meat: Chicken, Beef, and Lamb.
Yes, three.
If you want to hide behind a label of a Lacto-Ovo-Vegetarian, Selectarian, or Flexitarian, I am happy to inform you that all meat is either a Chicken, a Beef, or a Lamb. All of these labels at law are a lie and what you are is a Contrarian.
So then, to start this trail of madness and mayhem...
Chicken - is Chicken.
Yes, of itself that is silly but just as mathematics needs to define what both zero and one are, then defnining a thing as a thing and placing that thing in its own set is a natural consequence of law.
Turkey - is Robust Chicken.
Benjamin Franklin wanted the Turkey and not the Bald Eagle as the American national bird because turkeys are noble creatures, whereas most eagles are theives who steal other birds' nests.
Duck - is Floating Chicken.
I contend that because a duck floats, then it is made out of wood. And if it is made out wood then ducks are... WITCHES.
Goose - is Angry Chicken.
The only time that I have ever attempted to cook a goose was once as a test for Christmas and I got so much oil out of it, that there was at least two pints of the stuff. That drippy goose fat became the delicious lubrication for many lovely roast potatoes. On reflection, how northern is that? Two jars of goose fat in the fridge. Also see... Mucky Fat.
Swan - is Royal Chicken.
Legend has it that the King owns all of the Swans and therefore is the only one allowed to eat them. Actually I would suggest that as R v Charles (1649) proved, that even the King is subject to the law (that whole head-choppy thing) and that as Swans are protected, then not even the King would be allowed to eat them.
Pork - is Squealing Chicken.
Remember, this distinction mostly exists for taxation purposes and pork while being a quadruped, is neither a Beef or a Lamb. Mostly the things that are not a Beef or a Lamb are Chicken, but even that rule doesn't hold. Ham, is a Pork which is a Chicken, despite and in spite of there being Ham Steaks.
Rabbit - is Bouncy Chicken.
The South Sydney Rabbitohs are a Rugby League team which is named after the guys who would go from door to door selling rabbits. This suggests that before 1908, that there were still wild/feral rabbits in suburbia which could be caught and sold.
Quail - is Tiny Chicken.
Snake - is a Rope of Chicken.
We have this curious distinction where a Nope Rope and/or a Danger Noodle is a Rope of Chicken. As a general warning, even though a Nope Rope might look like a pupper or a doggo, do not boop.
Crocodile - is Snappy Chicken.
Again, do not boop.
Beef - is Beef.
Just like Chicken, Beef is the thing which defines and lives in its own set.
Venison - is Posh Beef.
Bison/Buffalo - is Big Beef.
Buffalo wings are called that because the sticky saucy way of preparing chicken, is from Buffalo, New York. Buffalo Buffalo, would be Buffalo meat prepared in that same style. Buffalo Buffalo is a Beef.
Salmon - is Aquatic Beef.
As Salmon can be turned into steaks, Salmon is defined as a Beef. Keep this in mind because if you remember that these classifications are illogical, stupid, obnoxious, or daft, then...
Tuna - is Aquatic Chicken.
...starts to seem reasonable. Fish generally are Chicken. The exceptions as far as I can tell are Salmon, and Cod.
Curiously, even though the United States is most likely not underneatth this area of law (because I am reasonably sure that this came after independence and therefore does not form part of the acceotabel corpus of law in the US), there is a brand of Tuna called "Chicken Of The Sea". I wonder if they are aware that they are accidentally correct.
Lamb - is Lamb.
Just like Chicken and Beef, Lamb is the thing which defines and lives in its own set. However, depending on where you are in taxation law, some lamb isn't even lamb because it is a sheep. A sheep is a wool producing piece of livestock, and so what looks like a Lamb might not be a Lamb at all.
Mutton - is Old Lamb.
Goat - is Loud Lamb.
Camel - is Desert Lamb.
Llama - is Tall Lamb.
Horse - is Fast Lamb.
Infamously in the UK, Findus was caught using Horse meat in their frozen lasagnes. This came down to a "mix-up" in a processing plant in Croatia. The big dispute was not that they were falling foul of the description of the meat for labelling purposes that Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs, was taxing Fast Lamb at the rate of Beef.
Human - is Forbidden Chicken.
This is where we strike too close to home. Murder is illegal. Improperly disposing of a corpse is illegal. However, cannibalism is itself not illegal. Having said that, Sweeney Todd, the demon barber of Fleet Street, who pulls a lever and his customers fall into the basement, wherein they are processed into meat and sold to Mrs Miggins' Pie Shop, is selling chicken.
Mrs Miggins who sells pies filled with Forbidden Chicken has broken the law, either through being an accessory to murder or improperly disposing of a corpse, but as the proceeds of crime are themselves taxable, then they fall under the realm of appropriate taxation rates. Forbidden Chicken is not a lamb. Forbidden Chicken is not a Beef. Forbidden Chicken is Chicken.
As I view the kosmos through a lens becracked from side to side and through the sometimes absurd prism of taxation law, then the story of Sweeney Todd has just become a tale of forensic accounting for me. Remember, Al Capone was a hoodlum who mowed down people gangland style but it wasn't murder or theft which finally put him in prison, it was taxation.
There are only three kinds of meat: Chicken, Beef, and Lamb. Try not to think about it.
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