October 16, 2008

Horse 924 - What is the X6 for?

Warren Brown on Top Gear Australia wasn't sure what the X6 was supposed to be and therefore wasn't sure whether he liked it or not. With this small diatribe, I explore this idea and cast my own judgement.

The fact of the matter is that if you see any given car on the road, you can use commonsense and pretty well establish what sort of person is behind the wheel. Commodore drivers are blokes who think that they're blokey or mums with kids. Falcon drivers are tired blokes who think that they're blokey or tired mums with kids. If you see an Audi A4, you immediately think "office affair". Mercedes drivers are usually fat businessmen. Camry and Corolla drivers are people who don't care about the car and have simply bought it as an appliance to go from A to B (but would never think of going to C). BMW drivers have only one word you immediately think of. Go on, you know you want to say it...
... well it's true.

Think about it and think about that word. On the corporate business ladder there is only one road to travel. MINI (being a sub-division of BMW) then BMW itself and finally Mercedes-Benz. Or if you will - wannabe <>, to actual <> and finally fat old <>. Have you worked out what that word is? Good, then we'll move on.

Now think about the type of vehicle it is. It is a well known fact that I personally prejudiced against Four Wheel Drives (and abhor the acronym SUV because they're not sport and not very utilitarian but if you only call them a vehicle, then it tells you nothing).
A 4WD by purpose is a thing for going off road. To this end, really the only things suitable for the job are the following: Land Rover and Range Rover's entire range, because British car makers are used to building cars to drive through bogs. The Toyota Land Cruiser and Prado (if you couldn't afford a Land Cruiser), the Nissan Patrol, the Mitsubishi Pajero. The Ford Territory (because the Falcon was already capable of the job) and every big 4WD ever produced in America that doesn't have those stupid 22" bling tyres on.

By contrast the following car makers are building 4WDs that will never see dirt, and also have a ground clearance lower than my Ford Ka: Audi, BMW, Lexus, Mercedes-Benz, Mazda, Volvo, Volkswagen and Porsche. The 4WDs from these firms are even named so that they instantly give away the fact that you can't use them to go on dirt with - Q7, X5, RX430, ML500, CX-7, XC90 - the trend is generally, name them with a bunch of letters and numbers and make people think that they're catalogue numbers from Ikea. Admittedly Volkswagen and Porsche broke this trend but they chose the really mind-twisting names of Cayenne and Touareg, Tiguan.
The people who drive these sorts of cars are almost certainly likely not to actually own them, but the keepers of the vehicle provided by the company they're employed by. Almost by consequence, in general they're more likely to be agressive, arrogant and cause damage to other vehicles on the road; in case you're wondering this isn't speculation but based on the NRMA's actuary reports - if you do a quick scan you'll find that 4WDs are over represented in accident figures.

So then, if you can't define the
BMW X6 by what it is, maybe you can define the car by who is likely to drive it and that is... an arrogant <> who is highly likely to run you off the road; that's an apt description.

PS: We all know what <> is... for that reason it's inherently funnier not to say it. Everybody...
Members are <>, clap-clap

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