May 31, 2005

Horse 348 - >> WARNING <<

If you value your sanity you will heed this warning.

The worst possible event in the history of recorded music has finally borne fruit. This is a warning to the people of Australia. Let it be known that Macarthur Park has a new rival, one that is more henious, more vile and more terrible than all who went before.

Crazy Frog has made it to No.1 in the UK music charts. I repeat: Crazy Frog has made it to No.1 in the UK music charts.

There have been other novelty acts make it to No.1, and some of them have ranged from the midly amusing Wombles of Wimbledon to the downright annoying Hamster Dance. Crazy Frog on the other hand defys the rules having first been an internet joke, then a heavily marketed ring-tone, the latter being the prime reason why I think it bites so much having being been on TV adverts just about every other 20 minutes but it must be said that the reworking of Axel F, Harold Faltermeyer's theme to the Beverly Hills Cop films, is the first mobile ringtone to cross over into the charts.

The track's success means Coldplay's long-awaited single Speed of Sound, had to settle for second spot, while hip-hop band Akon fell one place to number three. Oasis' brief flirtation with the top spot came to an end as the band fell five places to number six with Lyla.

It's not the charts fault however, it is the fault of each and every idiot who bought this record. The fact that Jamster have put this record at number one has devalued the chart of any meaning in my eyes. There's novelty records, bad novelty records, pure-evil novelty records, about 300 layers of crap and then this. I don't think I've ever hated something so passionately in my entire life. The stupidity is that it will be sold here, and make it to number 1 as well.


May 26, 2005

Horse 347 - Campione Liverpool

AC Milan 3-3 Liverpool (aet) - Liverpool win 3-2 on penalties

It's official, Liverpool are now the worst team to have claimed the crown of "Champions of Europe"

Liverpool beat AC Milan 3-2 in a penalty shoot-out to win the Champions League after sensationally coming from three goals down at half-time. Paolo Maldini gave Milan a first-minute lead and Hernan Crespo's double gave Milan a seemingly unassailable lead. Steven Gerrard gave Liverpool hope and Vladimir Smicer and Xabi Alonso levelled in a seven-minute spell. Jerzy Dudek then saved from Andrea Pirlo and Andriy Shevchenko in the shoot-out to clinch a stunning victory. It capped an amazing turnaround, with Liverpool looking out of contention after they were completely outclassed in the first-half.

3 goals down at half time is one of the most heartbreaking things to see as a supporter and especially in a final, but somehow the 3 reply goals came. Grief was replaced by deliriousness, then utter tension and finally sheer jubilation.

Even winning the trophy isn't enough for European football's governing body, UEFA, to allow the Reds to defend their trophy. The Reds have not qualified for the next season's competition after finishing fifth in the Premiership.

Maybe not the best team in Europe but good enough to win the trophy.Worst team to win in Europe? I totally agree. By inference the rest of Europe must be totally rubbish or otherwise they'd have won it. Bear in mind that the last time that they played in a European Cup final was back on May 29, 1985 at Heysel. Almost 20 years ago today (Sgt Pepper taught the band to play?).

If this doesn't go down as the greatest European Cup final to date, then I don't know what does.

May 25, 2005

Horse 346 - What You Say Lyla?

The week ended 22 May has had two rather interesting bits of info about Oasis's first single revealed, and also a little spiel into why you won't hear the song on Australian Radio.

Lyla debuted at No.1 in the UK which makes it Oasis' 7th single to debut at the top of the charts. The thing that's made it impossible for record companies in the UK is where to send to royalty cheques. It seems that Oasis had been trying to ditch Sony Music for quite some time and so had set up an independant label - Big Brother Recordings. The thing is that the tracks for the album had to be recorded in studios and mixed, so the production of the album was actually done in the houses of 6 labels.
The copyrights on the first single for the three songs are to Sony, EMI and Universal. As you could imagine this has created a nightmare for the radio stations who have the record companies as shareholders.

In Australia their ownership is more overt with Sony/Virgin having a controlling stake in the Austereo network (2Day FM and Triple M) and EMI and Warner owning Nova. WS, MIX, and 96.1 don't as a policy play first run music and JJJ isn't driven by commercial interests at all.

So this means that Lyla prior to the official launch got precisely 0 plays on Australian radio before the launch and with it being on an indepedant label, this figure isn't likely to vary unless it's included in a chart show.

Despite this it debuted at No.23 in Australia which must mean that people like myself have bought it without hearing a single note, or unless they heard it on cable radio or downloaded it before the release date.

So I'll rock out to this song by myself along with the UK (I got mine from HMV UK) in the knowledge that you'll never hear it - unless you buy it somehow.

May 24, 2005

Horse 345 - Save the Tasty Whales

Australia is ready to take unprecedented diplomatic action to halt Japan's plan to increase its whale kill, federal Environment Minister Ian Campbell says. But Senator Campbell refused to speculate whether Japan's aggressive whaling stance would be defeated at next month's International Whaling Commission meeting in Korea, where it has applied to kill another 400 whales, including humpbacks.

He was speaking after it was revealed Prime Minister John Howard had written to the Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi, saying Australia believed there was no basis for killing the whales. The letter said Australia valued its friendship with Japan but an increase in whaling would cause an outcry in Australia and internationally.

Japan contends that the whale kill is actually a "scientific harvest", upon which research is carried out. I think that this viewpoint is wholeheartedly correct; I wager that the scientific research being carried out has been comissioned by Larrousse Gastronomique.

Whales while being the gentle giants of the ocean are also very tasty. Japan needs to do as much cullinary testing as it can on these creatures before there's no more left. Sure they may be the very ones responsible for the declining numbers, but then how will they be able to say to their children what they tasted like and how best to have used them in soups and casseroles.

In fact I say we obviously need to increase our "scientific harvest" of endangered animals. We need to know about Panda Cutlets, Bald Eagle Wings especially considering we missed out on research into Dodo Egg Omlettes and Thylaciene Steak - and those animals aren't coming back.

May 20, 2005

Horse 344 - Tower of Terror

The world is in peril. Ever since 1934 the orbit of the earth has been titled because of a massive tower built by the RKO Radio Pictures organisation. I believe that this 3500 storey tower built at the North Pole has been slowing down the orbit of Earth now for the last 71 years.

Built before the advent of satellites, it was intended to bring the magic of the then new technology into homes all over the world. At a price of nearly $90,000,000,000,000 to build, it was certainly the biggest marvel the world had seen.

Sadly, it's use is over and because the earth is slowing down, it's getting closer to the sun and hence is the real reason for global warming. Add to that the massive signal it puts out which is just perfect for aliens to find us - remember the Martians attacked in the 1930's and are going to again, I know, I've seen the warnings in movie theatres.

For these reasons, the RKO Radio Tower must be dismatled immediately.

iFive - 20 May

iPod saw a lot of use in the last week. It travelled to work for a few days, up on a BB Camp and spent a day with me whilst I sat around in court and then watched Star Wars. All of these got only 3 plays during the week, but there were 22 songs that did - these got there first.
None of these songs had had a single play on the iPod before the week began. I'm really stumped by how shuffle works now.

1. Summer Skies, Naked Thighs - Radio City 96.7 Advert
2. While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles
3. Metal Mickey - TV Theme
4. Imperial March - London Symphony Orchestra
5. Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom - Perez Prado

May 19, 2005

Horse 343 - The Dark & Tired Side

This morning I type this epistle from a brain dead state after queuing since 8:30pm, watching a movie at 12:01am and then going home to see the UEFA Cup Final. I am of course referring to that visually stunning installment to the Star Wars saga - Revenge of The Sith.

I like so many this morning saw a film which slots in fairly well into the existing frame work of the other 5 films. Esentially the first 3 are Anakin's story whereas the last are Luke's.

I won't spoil the plot but this film is largely about a failure of every single character in the film. Yoda ends up in exile as does Obi Wan through failure to recognise the Jedi in the first place, the Republic collapses under a religious takeover (read power struggle), Padma simply gives up and Anakin himself eventually fails as his desire for power devours his capacity for love (as explored in Ep. 2). In fact the only one who doesn't fail is Palpatine who acheives every end he sets out to.

The film left me wondering - is Yoda on workers compensation? He's an old dude with a stick but bounces around fighting light-sabre battles when no-one's looking. Even worse is that nagging feeling that Obi Wan is still Renton from Trainspotting and experiences "the force" as a result of visiting some methodone clinic.

As said before brain dead - please excuse incoherancy.

May 15, 2005

Horse 342 - God's Football Team

The reason why I wrote this is because that Manchester Utd has had even more of the shares bought by the American investor Glazier. Who would have thought that even the Devil (albeit red) would sell his soul? And to an American no less!

What then would the football team of God look like?* I surmise that it would have a few interesting features that no other team would.

God would certainly be the manager. Think about it, he doesn't actually need any of us to do his work but actually chooses us. The manager's job is one of selection for game day but he also is responsible for the training of the team and for team discipline. God certainly trains and disciplines his workers where appropriate. The analogy falls apart in all sorts of areas, and especially when it comes to the manager himself. The manager usually stands in a box called the technical area. Given that God is omnipresent and is therefore everywhere, it's stupid to try and confine him in a box.

I also think that the team would be rather Italian in nature. When the Bible talks about the whole armor of God, most of the items (shields, breastplates etc) are defensive in nature. Also the bible often talk about great battles in the end times but ultimately God does all the work anyway. So taking this to its logical conclusion, the Holy Spirit would be the lone striker (as he's the only one who actually changes the results) and the church would be behind him in a 5-4-1 formation.

The other reason why I think that it would be like this is because of the person of Jesus - he'd be the goalkeeper. Great teams are built around the goalkeeper being the cornerstone and safeguard. Jesus would be behind the last line of defence watching over them, sending the players forwards. There is always the obvious call that as goalkeeper, Jesus saves.

What about the stadium? Like Anfield it wouldn't have a clock as God isn't bound by time. Nor would it have lighting towers as it would be filled with the glory of God. I don't know it you've ever noticed this but of all the religions only Christians ever seem to sing. I also am reminded of all of those weird looking things with the wings who sing night and day. I figure that the noise from the home end must be uttlerly glorious.

The record of the side I estimate would be from 38 games: 38 wins, no losses, 114 points and 117 goals for and none conceeded. Sure there'd be times when there'd only be a 1-0 victory, but this would be the fault of the 9 rather than the striker or the goalkeeper. There'd also be times when the opposition would be overwhelmed and helpless with results of 3, 4 maybe even beyond 7 goals a game.

The team would be playing in an all white strip, and despite there being different players in the midfield and defence, the manager, striker and goalkeeper would always be the same (I the Lord do not change).

My only other problem is that the game would be outside the gates, because as we all know - rugby is the game they play in heaven.

*If God did have one, I'd go out and get the kit, the scarves and the air fresheners tommorrow. Not to mention the commerative Quadruple winning DVD's the bedsheets and the photo books. You'd be stupid not to.

May 13, 2005

iFive - Fri 13th May

Some guy in the US had his fifteen minutes of fame with a thing he'd made using a webcam which he called the "Numa Numa Dance". After about a 20 second google search I found out that the song in question was actually the Romanian entry in the 1998 Eurovision Song Contest. A trip to HMV and $4.95 later, I have it and yup, it made number one this week.

1. Dragosta Din Te - O-Zone
2. More More More - Rachel Stevens
3. The Fire - Reel Big Fish
4. Woomera What a Hot Spot - Merrick & Rosso
5. Back on the Bus - Afroman

May 12, 2005

Horse 341 - Terrorist Road Safety

A congrats goes out to Kate who has joined the world of motoring with the acquisition of her P-plates. "Be alert but not alarmed" was her quote in a bible study last night and I suppose that the thought must have burrowed into my brain not ot found for a while.

That thought had been running around inside my head for several hours and for some strange reason (and after I'd been watching A Clockwork Orange on SBS) my brain went into shut down mode and without warning I thought of Hector the Road Safety Cat and his famous song.

Stop at the kerb (Stop at the kerb),
Look to the right (Look to the right),
Look to the left (Look to the left),
Look to the right again.
Then if the road is free of traffic,
walk straight across the road, don't run!
Walk straight across the road.

Now I bet you aren't wondering what Road Safety and terrorism have to do with each other because quite frankly they don't but, then I remembered something that the Scared Weird Little Guys did on the radio. It goes like this:

Stop at the kerb (Stop at the kerb),
Look all around (Look all around),
Keep you eyes peeled (Keep you eyes peeled),
Be alert but not alarmed.
Then if the road is free of terrorists,
walk straight across the road, don't run!
Walk straight across the road.

So I hunted around and guess what, it's on the Triple M website for download. This is really cool except that...

I can't find Hector's original road safety song and the bugs me.

May 08, 2005

Horse 340 - VS Day - Victory over Stupidity

60 years ago today, the bloodiest conflict the world had ever seen came to an end. Nazi Germany finally declared surrender to Allied forces but it would still be months before the other Axis power in Japan would do likewise.

What then did WW2 actually teach us?

It is estimated that nearly 60 million soldiers died in Europe with another 25 million in the Pacific. Perhaps as many as 3 times as many civillians also gave up their lives. 340 million people who died in vain.

It is estimated that it cost all sides nearly $10,000,000,000,000 to pay for the costs of the war. $10,000,000,000,000 that could have been spent on anything useful rather than fashioning bits of metal to hurt one's fellow man.

Buildings that had stood for hundreds of years became riddled with gunfire and several other collapsed. During the blitz of London, 26 Underground stations were damaged and cost nearly £9 billion to repair it all.

What were the net results of all of this? Not much in all honesty. Borders moved as much a 10 miles in some cases, families were torn in two and countries were snapped in half.

8 May should be a giant celebration, not because of the people who died (though they gave what quite frankly they should not have been asked to do) but because the leaders of the various countries finally had the sense to end the bloody disaster.

It sickens me to think that leaders send people to fight their wars for them. In a lot of cases they go on the premise of lies and or promises that must not be.

War never decides who is right. It merely determines who is left.

May 06, 2005

Horse 339 - Back In the USSR?

European Commission Vice-President Guenter Verheugen urged Moscow earlier this week to admit the illegality of Soviet rule in the Baltics but Russia has denied it illegally annexed the Baltic republics of Latvia, Lithuania and Estonia in 1940. It has also rejected demands to admit illegally occupying the three countries at the end of World War II.

A Kremlin spokesman said Soviet troops were deployed with the agreement of the Baltic governments of the time. Soviet authority was established in the Baltics in 1940.

What I want to know is, can you apportion blame on the current administration for something that happened 60 years ago? The Soviet Union is a different entity to Russia. Russia in theory is a democratically elected country whereas the Soviet Union was by de facto a communist dictatorship.

Stalin was a nasty person who I for one would not wanted to accept an invite to a dinner party from. Vladimir Putin on the other hand is hardly a Stalinist supporter.

Russia has enough problems of its own without dredging up the past. Even now there's a mess with the Ukraine over delimitation of the border between the two nations. I'm sure Putin and Yushchenko will come to some arrangement eventually but this is surely more important than what the EU wants.

I don't understand the affair actually. What if anything is Verheugen trying or hoping to achieve by getting the Kremlin to admit illegality? What points can be won from this in the first place?

iFive - 6 May

I can understand Lyla again being the most played song on Mintie (my iPod) this week as it's only new (and therefore deliberate) but number 5 is convincing me that perhaps Shuffle isn't as random as first thought.
I had a look at the origins of manufacturer and found that my copy of "Stand by Me" has got the lowest index on the barcode. All Australian discs have 93, The Uk have 50, Japan are all 45 but my copy of Stand by Me is made in Canada and thus has the index of 02.
Is random really random?

1. Lyla - Oasis
2. Blind - Area-7
3. Obesity - Sam Kekovich
4. STP Conked Out My Engine - Wesley Willis
5. (I Got) The Fever - Oasis

May 04, 2005

Horse 338 - These three remain: No Hope from Charities

without being rude to those charity institutions (cue rudeness and misplaced indignancy), I understand why they think it's a good idea to give disadvantaged kids and chronically ill children experiences which regular children don't get but imagine this - you live in a perfectly normal boring family, with nice parents and aren't poor or have a disease. What do you get? NOTHING.

That's right, normal children in normal circumstances don't appear on charities radar, nor are they in the general consensus of society "deserving" of special luxuries. This quite frankly bites.

Imagine what it's like to spend boring holidays year after year in a caravan park in Kiama because it's by the sea. Think of the drudgery of being on holidays for 6 weeks over summer with nothing to do but play with lego, computers, ride bikes and kick the football with your mates. Just try to empathise with the poor kiddies who think that going to the supermarket every week on a Thursday for late night shopping (8pm) is exciting. Who cares? NO-ONE.

Charities and society in general just doesn't care about you if you happen to be normal and boring. Children like these grow up to become the working bulk of society, to be screwed by the tax office to pay for the very poor (who don't work) and the very rich (who also don't work). They will become the whole gammet of normal society who have to work to get enough money not only just to live on but to also pay for the selfish brats they've spawned to replace themselves - who ironically are also normal and boring.

I therefore propose to set up a government agency designed to give children Leukaemia and other fashionable diseases so that they too can gain the respect of charities and society and therefore get the rewards and beneits that go with it.

It may suck to be underpriveledged and disadvantaged but it's better than being boring and normal and therefore not-priveledged and non-advantaged - there just aren't any free trips to Disneyland for a start.

May 03, 2005

Horse 337 - An Accident That Wasn't

Once again my faith in human kind has been reduced to nil. On Thursday I get a claims assessor from the insurance company to look at (wait for it) an entirely unbent motor car.

Once again proving my theory that Toyota drivers live in a Zone of Ignorance™ this chap in a Toyota Camry pulled out in front of me, so I threw out the anchors and stopped some 7ft behind him. Now in something bordering on ridiculous, I know have the somewhat arduous task of proving the non-existance of an accident... well the insurance assessors do, which is again stupid as there is no accident.

I could go into extensive forensic evidence how not even the screws which hold to licence plate aren't bruised, or how the damage above the trim line on the Camry is some 14cm above where my bumper would have hit but one thing remains in this...

In a world of liturgious people, the propensity for fraudulence increases. This man was schooled at the University of Life and took courses in Advanced Bastardry and Applied Tosspottery*.

*An introduction to this course is taught by Prof. Thommo Treebeard as especially applied to teams playing against Newcastle Utd.