July 29, 2013

Horse 1516a - Letters to the World, on the birth of Prince George

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have named their son George Alexander Louis, Kensington Palace has said.
- 24 July, 2013

See? By George, I was right!

The future king has now been born. If the Commonwealth countries decide to retain the monarchy and not become republics, then you'll have after Elizabeth II, Charles III, William V and then George VII. When he does become king, he'll be facing to the right on the coins.


Dear England,
I know that you have an identity crisis and it's understandable because you have a long history of having an identity crisis.
For instance, "The History of England" by Thomas Babington wasn't really just about "England" but about the whole British Empire. This is called Metonymy where a thing stands for the whole; just like when "Westminster" stands in for "The British Government", "Number Ten" for the office and or the person of "Prime Minister and First Lord of The Treasury of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland" or "America" when people only want to refer to "The United States of" therein.
However, when people talk of "The King of England" they do specifically mean the The King of "England". Yes, there is a United Kingdom, so although to you share a country, a monarch etc. you do still exist with your own monarch, whom you share.

Yours sympathetically,


Dear Scotland,
If you do decide to dissolve the Union, then you'll have to work out whether to call your new currency a Pound, Merk, Ryal, Noble, Unicorn or something else. Also because James I of England was firstly James VI of Scotland, he like all monarchs will be firstly the King Of Scotland before any other nation.
You'll also have to work out if you want your own regnal numbers or not. If there's a Richard or Henry after George, I can't imagine you'd want Richard IV or Henry IX when there's never ever been a Richard or Henry as King of Scotland before.

Yours advisedly,



Dear Wales,
Under the Laws in Wales Acts (1535–1542), you're still a vanquished nation. After Charles, William will probably become the new Prince of Wales and then George after him.
I shouldn't worry too much though, England is more likely to become a republic than Scotland and I guess that you could become a kingdom which would be better than a principality.

Yours grievedly,


Dear Northern Ireland,
Yeah... you're weird. Just try not to blow yourselves up... or annoy the Republic to the south of you.

Thank you,



Dear Canada,
Keep on making coins exactly the same as those in America. That way they'll get all confused when they find them in their vending machines.
Also, you might want to give up speaking French. The French already look down on you (and the Belgians... and the Swiss), so I don't know why you want to persist with this silly language.

Veuillez agréer,


Dear Australia,
You'll probably be a republic when George VII is King, so you'd better get used to the idea of having people like John Howard, Billy Hughes, Alfred Deakin, Kevin Rudd and Tony Abbott on the back of coins. Deep down, you know you'll copy America and put dead politicians on them.
Please note that as the world's highest consumers per capita of magazines, you'll probably end up buying more printed photographs of little George per capita than any other country.

Best regards,


Dear New Zealand,
Hey bros. Those pakehas have a new tamaiti. That's pretty choice. Get you jandals on, let's pack the chilly bin, get to the dairy and go tramping.



Dear America,
Just a warning. Okay, so you've long since decided that being part of the empire is not for you and you've also decided that the trappings of empire such as cricket, tea, curry, lager, football etc. are also not for you, so this is a heads up to let you know that at some stage in the future, the weird coins which come across the border from Canada and get stuck in your vending machines will bear the name George VII.

We're aware of the trouble that the name George causes you. We admit, one of them was truly bonkers:

It should be noted that George III was in fact a Time Lord and didn't actually die in 1820 but travelled to the early twenty-first century, where he went on to become a noted surgeon, infectious disease specialist and renal physician. He was however still a misanthrope, cynic, narcissist, and curmudgeon.

It appears though that you have taken him to your hearts, which is weird since most English people on American television and movies usually end up playing the bad guy, Jeremy Irons in particular.

Yours satisfactorily,


Dear France,
To be honest, you're a chaotic bunch and since the Acts of Union was passed in 1707, you've had the end of your own kingdom, an empire which was also a republic, a restoration, the July monarchy, a second republics, a second empire, a third republic, the Vichy government, a provisional government and the fourth and fifth republics. Stop it! It's too confusing to keep up with it all.
Maybe you should have considered being part of the British Commonwealth when the offer was made after WW2. It would have been far less confusing and might've added some much need stability to your nation. I'm sure that the offer is still there.

Yours exasperatedly,


Dear Greece,
You didn't like King Constantine II and exiled him; he lives in London. His son Pavlos married Marie-Chantal and is now Prince of Denmark but lives in New York. Clearly you don't think much of the monarchy.
The current Duke of Edinburgh, Philip, once said of himself that he was the only Greek in England who didn't own a fish and chip shop. He married into a fairly successful family whose business looks pretty secure for a long time. Perhaps you should consider making Philip the king? That way you can share Charles, William and George in the future.

Yours hopefully,

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