November 22, 2013

Horse 1571 - The One Day Of The Doctor

Now that we've finally seen England start to tear Australia to shreds on Day One of the First Test in Brisbane, I thought it might be a fine opportunity to look at another great sporting XI - Doctors Who.

The fact that there are eleven Doctors Who can't be a co-incidence can it? Perhaps it's worth looking at the XI and see how they fit together.

I think that it's pretty obvious that the order that they appear in, is by design more than accident. The list from One to Eleven suggests to me a well thought out batting order.

One believed that the art of run making was a science; technique is key. You always want someone at the beginning of the order who can steadily establish the ground work for the others to follow.
On one tour of Skaro he objected to the inferior quality of the lights being used. The Skaro board of control was furious at him and decided to "exterminate" him for his insubordination.

Two who was also an opener, was an imp of a batsman who could drive and glance like no other. Prone to occasional fits on anger, he could lash out if required and play across the line. Most of his shots either came through the areas from Point to Cover or on the other side of the field through Mid-On.

An emphatic driver of the ball, Three was also very adept at chopping it. Sometimes a little wild at slashing the bat at things which weren't really there, he was a bit of a worrier but he could drive.
Once in a match against the Cybermen after hitting thirty-eight singles through the covers, he then pulled a ball extravagantly to Fine Leg and claimed that he was "reversing the polarity of the neutron flow"... whatever that meant.

This flamboyant expansive player had a wide range of shots to choose from and accepted all forms of sledging and abuse in good humour; in fact they only seemed to make him play better. He scored four double hundreds on a tour of Skaro and even accidentally injured Davros who was fielding at Silly Mid-On and neglected to wear a helmet.

It takes a certain amount of confidence to pull off wearing a decorative vegetable; Five has that in abundance. A fairly solid wicket-keeper batsman, Five has saved the Doctors XI from humiliation one more than one occasion.
As a wicket-keeper he contributed to the highest number of dismissals in ODIs, 15,896; though have a career which spans several centuries might be construed as an unfair advantage.

This plucky all-rounder could bowl a bit, bat a bit and in cases of dire emergency, hang around and soak up the strike. Although a bit of a trundler with the ball, he did reasonably well on the softer pitches of Mondas, which was particularly annoying for any Cybermen.
Six's best bowling figures were 7/12 against the Zygons.

The art of deception is useful for a spin bowler. How does one bowl a delivery which appears to spin one one but break another when it pitches? Seven is a brilliant manipulator, bowling leg-spin to rival even the greatest in the galaxy.
Seven once took 9/36 against a Sontaran XI, though that might say more about the ineptitude of the Sontarans with the bat than anything else.

As the third prong in a pace attack, Eight was incredibly enigmatic. Realising that he didn't really have a lot of time to prove himself in the squad, he was able to use a lot of deviation in line to achieve results. His most famed wicket was the so-called "Ball Of The Millennium" which looked like a cutter but hit the pitch and turned into an amazing off-spinner, taking out the on-side bail.

Broody and vengeful, Nine could swing the ball both ways and got quite a lot of deviation off the seam. He once had a run in with the Ood who thought that they could telepathically read his deliveries. He thought of the words "Bad Wolf" and spent that entire Test Series being incredibly confusing.

Ten is manic and unpredictable. A fast bowler with the outlook that everything should be attacked head on. He starts way way down the batting order because that same frantic mindset from which he comes charging in from an end, it the same frantic mindset with which he faces bowling. Ten will either score 3, 30 or 300 with the bat; all without any regard to building an innings or staying around.
Ten tends to do poorly against the Dalek XI, who are single-minded and bowl incredibly consistent line and length. It doesn't really help that Skaro has very hard and lifeless pitches, owing to it being a nuclear wasteland.

On the field, the only to expend so much energy is to take the red leather in hand and send down 22 yards of hellfire. Eleven holds the record for the fastest recorded delivery at 109.8mph against a Slitheen Select XI. Eleven is rather a poor batsman, having a highest test score with the bat at just 15*.
He caused a dispute when he sent a an incredibly dubious not out decision upstairs via the DRS by sticking to that old axiom "Silence will fall when the question is asked".

The question I have is how would a Doctors Who XI do against the Australians? Well they can't very well do any worse than England at the moment who as I type this on Day Two of the First Test at the 'Gabba is are in complete disarray at 126-9.

No comments: