I have a very long standing conspiracy theory that because the home countries of England, Scotland, Wales and Ireland as a thing, have four permanent places on IFAB (which is the International Football Association Board and the organisation which decides the rules of the game) while FIFA only gets four, that when it comes to refereeing in international football, there is this unspoken continuous hatred against the English speaking nations. For a very long period of time, key penalty decisions just always seem to go against a nation that happens to speak English and this in part helps to explain why England, Scotland, Wales, Ireland, the USA, and Australia are perpetually rubbish at football on the world stage. The fact that these nations are rubbish and put their domestic funding towards other sport is neither here nor there.
Frequently forgotten Canada, as the frozen great white north of North America and CONCACAF, has also always been perpetually rubbish at football. The reason for this is very likely because everyone in Canada is more likely to watch the exploding pizza and "Hockey Night In Canada" or watch the exploding pizza and the ever perplexing game of Canadian Football (where it is possible to have the Rough Riders v Rough Riders) than every watch football but the point remains. Football in Canada is at best, the third or fourth sport in the Canadian psyche.
Imagine my confusion then, when reading through the newspaper this morning, I read that Canada has topped the CONCACAF standings with a resounding 4-0 thumping of Jamaica.
Canada 4 - Jamaica 0
Larin 13'
Buchanan 44'
Hoilett 82'
Mariappe 88' (OG).
Imagine my further confusion when I read that not only did Canada top CONCACAF but their record over the past five games has been WLWWW. This kind of thing is just plain confusing. Canada? Canada?!
My confusion was put to rest when I looked at the highlight reel for Canada v Jamaica. This Canadian side playing mostly 4-5-1 looked like a side that was prepared to be patient and play a containment strategy before rushing forwards. With only a lone forward, they concentrated on keeping the ball just short of what I would consider sensible in the middle third and were more reluctant to just attack up route 1 than either a USMNT or Australian side might. Canada looked in control and deathly sensible.
To be fair, Jamaica are not exactly the stiffest of opponents. It also didn't help that this match was played in Toronto's light snow, which is quite rare in Jamaica. It also didn't help that Besiktas striker Cyle Larin, as the lone striker was allowed to roam around the front of the park because Canada plays so close to their own half. How do you mark someone from a zonal perspective if they hardly ever enter the zone?
The only other time that Canada did qualify for a World Cup was back in Mexico '86; which is most famous for Diego Maradonna blatantly punching the ball over the head of the England goalkeeper and the goal despite being the most obvious handball in the history of ever, being allowed to stand thanks to the unspoken hatred against the English speaking nations. In Mexico '86, Canada was thrown into a group which included the then European Champions in France, Hungary and the Soviet Union. Suffice to say, Canada had less chance of escaping that group than Satan had of assembling a team of demons to play a home game of ice hockey against Le Montreal Canadiens. Canada was torn to ribbons with France scoring 1, Hungary scoring 2, the Soviet Union scoring 2, and Canada losing three games and scoring nil.
In Qatar in 2022, Canada will probably become my chosen second team (behind England) because Australia has imploded and its chances of qualifying from this point are very dim indeed.
I like the idea of the little teams going up against the big ones because in the 92 years of football World Cups, only 8 nations have ever won them. I like teams like Korea, Trinidad and Tobago, Senegal, Croatia, New Zealand and now Canada bringing something different to the table. Of course I don't expect Canada to escape the group stage but at least they'll have fun for a bit while they’re there.
One question remains for me though. Is Canada an English-speaking nation and does the unspoken hatred against the English-speaking nations stand against them? If Canada is an English speaking nation, then it might be lights out for them but if the Canadian Football team is Quebecois and Français, then who knows?
Je suis désolé... que tu sois un buffoon!
...
O Canada, Terre de nos aïeux,
Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!
...
Allez, Allez, Allez,
Allez les Rouges tabanak!
Of course if Canada turns out to be an English-speaking nation, then it won't be 'Oh, Canada?' but 'Oh... Canada.' before they too a dispatched and made to walk the long walk home again.
Aside:
Not to disparage Jamaica but I do not understand why they even exist as a national side. Hear me out. Jamaica as a sovereign nation has every right to play as a nation but given that there are other nations in the Caribbean with less people than in the suburb that I live in in Western Sydney, there is no way that they are ever going to escape qualification to make the group stage of the confederation, much less the World Cup.
The nations of the Caribbean have for many years played in cricket as the West Indies and it must be said that the West Indies as a test playing 'nation' is one of the most beloved and celebrated teams in the world. I think that it would make sense for those same nations to play as the West Indies in football as well.
Likewise, it would also make sense for the island nations of the Pacific Ocean to play as a single unified Oceania team. When Australia was in the OFC, the only sides that had any realistic chance of escaping the group were Australia and New Zealand. Admittedly the Solomon Islands and Fiji could occasionally put up a fight and score the odd goal here and there but the proof is that the only nations which have ever qualified for a World Cup from Oceania are Australia and New Zealand.
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