Horse 3215 - The Rules For Wearing Trackpants

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After more than three thousand pieces, the evidence is that they are not unhinged but rather, have many hinges, doors, diversions, and entire pull out sections; to the point where instead of being unhinged, they are in fact very articulated.

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This week, I have been asked to pontificate on what I think the rules are for wearing trackpants are in public. Quite frankly, this is the easiest post that I have ever written.

Rule #0: Don't!

Thank you for listening to my TED Talk.

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Oh wait, you're still here?

No really. Trackpants are a hateration, a holleration, and an abomination. If this was a ruling on The People v Trackpants in The Fake Internet Court of Australia, then heads would roll. To be honest, if was an officially unofficial fake internet court ruling then I'd rule that you shouldn't even wear them at home, let alone in public. If you wear trackpants then what happens is that not only do you reek of general apathy, but you also look as though you might reek of other unpleasant smells. Worse, you will choose to make yourself look like a fool in front of lots of people. If you're thinking of buying a pair of trackpants — don't.

Let's assume that you have taken leave of your senses and that you have already been blinded by tomfoolery. Let's assume that you have already have a pair of trackpants, despite ignoring Rule #0. Let's assume that you intend to throw caution, commonsense, and care, to the four winds. Let's assume that you are the protagonist in a classical tragedy, where you could have taken events to avoid your downfall and have deliberately chosen not to. Let's assume that you insist on leaving the house in your trackpants.

In this case, despite repeated warnings and maybe ribbings and insults, you have decided to look like a fool. Your intellect has been weakened through choice. Failure is your destiny. You are made of nonsense. Fine. At very least, please please please promise to follow the other rules, despite ignoring Rule #0.

Rule #1: The Half Hour Rule.

If you are going outside for more than half an hour, wear proper pants. Under every circumstance, including if you are only popping out to the corner shop to get eggs, bread, and/or milk, wearing trackpants are the tacit admission that you have given up. If you are going to the corner shop, then looking like you have given up is in fact acceptable because looking tired, especially at 6am, is normal. If you are going to the corner shop, then looking like you have given up at 11am, is sad.

The half hour rule also applies if you are going outside to do things like gardening or mowing for more than half an hour. Wearing trackpants out the front of your own house, for more than half an hour, especially if it is after midday, is like signalling to the world that you might be sick and in quarantine.

Blue jeans or black jeans are the default uniform for getting stuff done. Even old blue jeans with stains of them, look purposeful, as though you have intentions of getting stuff done. Trackpants do not share in this vibe or purpose at all. 

Rule #1a: Movie Theaters Are Fine

The exception to the half hour rule is if you are going to the movie theatre. If you are sitting in the dark for two hours, nobody cares. If you are in a drive-in cinema, nobody cares. Wear whatever you want. Just be sure that the second you leave the movie theatre, you will instantly look like a crazy person.

Wear pajamas if you are going to the movie theatre for all I care. Wearing pajamas to a drive-in movie theatre is actually a master stroke because this says that your sole intent is to be comfortable while lounging around and watching a movie. In this respect, trackpants live in the uncanny valley between comfort and purpose and are just plain creepy.

Rule #2: Get Adidas Trackpants

If you must look like a doofus, then Adidas trackpants at least part way look like you have made an effort.

If you must look like a doofus, then Adidas trackpants with their classic three stripes at least are an attempt to look like a cool doofus. The exception to Rule #2 is of you do not want to cool doofus but do in fact want to look like a dangerous one. This is likely the reason why there is a stereotype of Slavic peoples wearing Adidas trackpants (and squatting).

Actually this like goes back to the 1980 Moscow Summer Olympics which were held in what was then very very Soviet Russia. Adidas was one of the very first western brands to be let into the Soviet Union and behind the dismal side of the Iron Curtain. Since anything western was cool, and Adidas was one of very few connections that people could with the West, then Adidas became the cool thing. Remember, coolness doesn't care about rules.

Adidas is one of very few sporting brands of clothing that can get away with people in their adverts looking bored or slightly angry, and objectively looking cool. 

Rule #2a: Athleisure-wear/Active Wear Counts As Trackpants

Lululemon, Lorna Jane, Ell & Voo, Ellesse, Puma, Nike, Under Armor: all need to go into a raging bin fire to melt in the heat. Sorry, not sorry.

This also goes for leggings, jeggings, weggings, and whatever other eggings you can think of. Trackpants are in the same kind of class as lycra and bicycle pants. Nobody in the world needs to be exposed to that kind of thing. I will even go one step further and suggest that nobody needs to go to the beach and wear swimwear either because the sea should be respected; as it is the domain of shipping, piracy, sea-serpents, whales, sharks, dragons, leviathan, behemoth, and possibly Cthulhu.

Rule #3: Choose The Proper Colour

If you still must look like a doofus, then get Black or very dark navy Blue. These actually look like you have made an effort.

Grey trackpants are the tacit admission that you have given up. Pink trackpants are the tacit admission that you have given up. Red trackpants are the tacit admission that you have given up and that you are obnoxious. Green trackpants are the tacit admission that you have given up and you are creepy. Yellow trackpants are the tacit admission that you have given up and might smell of dog wee.

Black trackpants at least give off the impression that in your spare time you might do donuts in the carpark of a supermarket and have crashed into a bin on several occasions. Black trackpants give off the impression that you are part way skilled in the art of elegant knife-fighting. Black trackpants give off the impression that you are dangerous and should be dealt with with caution.

Rule #0a: Do?

Deep down, you know it makes sense. You know that trackpants are the physical manifestation of ick in pant form. However, every set of rules has exceptions and asterisks all the way down; likewise, the wearing of trackpants also has expections and asterisks. The exception of Rule #0 is when someone chooses to embrace the ick. 

You know who embraces the ick? Children. Children are awful. Children produce terrible amounts of ick. Children love the ick.

Trackpants are acceptable for parents of small children; where the amount of goop and mess, is constantly horrid. Remember, wearing trackpants are the tacit admission that you have given up, and when you have actually given up trying to look respectable and/or decent wearing trackpants becomes the explicit admission that you have given up. In this respect, when puke and poop, and looking tired because you are tired, is part of normal life, then wearing trackpants becomes the expression on the truth.

We can forgive the parents of small children because truth is more important that the pontifications of a mad man. Children grow up though, and stop producing ick (hopefully). Leaving trackpants behind is then the confirmation that one has lived through the ick and succeeded. This is not giving up. After children have ceased to be the producers of ick, Rule #0 applies again... Don't.