Dear Toyota,
As little as a decade ago you were the car company which did all things for all people. As such, the Camry and Corolla went to No2 and No3 on the sales charts, only behind the Holden Commodore which by that stage already had its death warrant signed off on, by Treasurer Joe Hockey. You also made the Yaris, which as the smaller car was excellent.
Then when the SUVification of all things happened, you once again decided to become the car company which did all things for all people. As such, the Hilux and RAV4 went to No2 and No3 on the sales charts, only behind the Ford Ranger. However, you continued to make both the Camry and Corolla because in doing all things for all people you correctly realised that a lot of people still want a normal hatchback because they are inherently useful and excellent, and some people still want a family sedan because despite and in spite of them being boring in a lot of cases, boring is beautiful and people want to carry around their most precious cargo in the world in a car which is competent at doing the job. Boring but excellent: that could have been and should have been Toyota's motto for the past 60 years. In doing all things for all people you decided that being cool was impossible.
Recently though, you have decided that being the car company which did all things for all people is a rubbish idea. I note that you too have abandoned the bottom end of the market, as the COVID-19 pandemic gave all of the car makers licence to charge 33% more for everything. Yaris is now a $30K motor car and Corolla is now beyond the reach of the people, whom you no longer need to care about.
Weirdly, the Camry has remained at about the same kinds of price level that it always sat at; presumably because although you have realised that 'da kidz' are no longer paid wages and no longer have money, there are a few mums and dads who still want a sedan instead of an SUV. To this end, I note that you have unveiled the next generation of the Camry, the XV80.
I have concerns.
My specific concern with the XV80 Camry is that that although it looks like it is cool. It is not.
Why not?
Why isn't it cool?
Look, I totally get that Toyotas generally are built for people who want appliances and not fun things buy why tease us like this? I have driven the GR Corolla and while it is fine, its 3-cylinder engine makes it feel like it is a sensible warm hatch, when it pretends to be bonkers. Why isn't it bonkers? I like bonkers. Why can't we have bonkers? Likewise, the XV80 Camry looks like it is the kind of car which should be in knife fights in carparks but the only knife fight that it is ever going to get engaged in is when that knife is used to cut birthday cake.
Traditionally the Camry is driven by sad old gits who are the kinds people people who after they have a crash and have gone to hell, would still be oblivious to the world around them and will not realise that they have crashed. Traditionally, Camry is for people who have given up on life. That's okay. You are allowed to make a boring thing well. My concern is that XV80 Camry looks like it is for people who have not given up on life. XV80 Camry looks it should be cool but it is writing cheques that it can not cash. And who is writing cheques these days anyway? Camry drivers.
As is my want, I played about with the Toyota Configurator and it seems that Camry Dents and Tissue Boxes come standard. Why is this?
What really makes is sad is that I know that the 2UR 5-Litre V8 will fit in the XV80 Camry because it already does fit in the Lexus IS500F which is exactly the same monocoque under the panels and light clusters. Both the Camry and the Lexus IS500F are built upon the Toyota New Global Architecture platform. This means that you could drop the 5L V8 in the Camry and pitch it for $35,000 and steal Mustang's lunch but you don't. Why is that?
I believe that it was the great department store proprietor Nunya Bisniss while in conversation with Anne Nonymoos in 18X5 who said "Give the people want they want and they will come". In Australia, Ford gave the people a V8 Falcon and ruled the roost from 1967-1997; Holden gave the people the V8 Commodore and ruled the roost from 1997-2016. Since then, both of them and you, have all picked up sticks, closed the factories and all have decided not to give the people what they want. Did any of us change what we want? No. The only reason why everyone is now driving a Blodpanzer Brodozer or a Nomoto Kinderbox is because they can't get a family car with a big engine any more. The formula is simple. Get a family car; with the biggest, horkiest, borkiest, engine that you can spork in there.
SS Commodore was cool. XR8 Falcon was cool. The Coyote V8 Mustang when it isn't out murdering pedestrians is cool. As you Toyota are along with Mazda the only automaker who look like they are even prepared to make a family sedan any more, you have practically an open goal here. You've seen how it is done. You've seen how absurdly successfully the strategy was because even now, the price of a used V8 Commodore or Falcon is skyrocketing as people can not get what they want any more. You even already have all of the necessary bits to make a V8 Camry and with a stroke, single handedly rule the roost. So why not? You've also come so tantalisingly close too.
The GR Yaris looks like it should be fun, except that the kinds of people who that car is meant to be for, simply can't afford it. GR Yaris is everything that AE86 wanted to be. GR Yaris actually could deliver tofu on precarious mountain roads on the wrong side of 200km/h. he GR Corolla also looks like it should be fun, except that it just isn't. GR Corolla is trying to play a magic trick where you want us to think that it is cool but underneath is likely CH-R. The GT-86 despite my objection that this is actually a modern Celica, is a genuinely fun car except that that's a Subaru boxer up front. That's not really your handiwork. It is still excellent nevertheless.
XV80 Camry, which allegedly races in NASCAR (it doesn't really, those are bespoke cars with stickers on), arrived in 'Murica and defied all expectations by looking like the coolest family sedan of the 2020s. The problem is, that although it looks cool, and we know that the 2UR 5-Litre V8 will fit in it, you won't put it in there? Why not?
We want bonkers. We want grumbly rumbles. GIVE US NEW THINGS TO FEEL!
Love,
Rollo
PS:
I have subsquently learned that the XV80 Camry is not going to be sold in Australia. There is an outside possibility that we will be getting the Toyota Crown; which is yet another boring SUV. Yawn. Crick. Ho. Hum.
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