The Evils of Advertising - because it's all about the ₱enge!
Do you feel unnaturally happy all of the time? Do you spend your days with glee and merriment? That could either mean that you are either abnormally well adjusted, completely oblivious to the world around you, or alternatively a willfully hateful person who derives enjoyment from the misfortune of others.
If you are none of these things, then why not try A General Sense Of Existential Dread. A General Sense Of Existential Dread could be about climate change, racism, poverty, sexism, a mistrust of psychopaths or sociopaths, or even about the realisation of your own mortality.
Try A General Sense Of Existential Dread - only ₱499
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Dear Karen,
Things are rough for you right now. Your name was once a fairly boring kind of middle of the road, white bread with mayonnaise, kind of name but now, you are the object of universal derision and scorn. Have you considered being nice to people and not going to see the manager? Have you tried being excellent, lovely, and trustworthy?
If not, you can change your name. Changing your name: for when you don't want to change your behaviour and attitude - only ₱19,999
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If you have an unexplained vortex to another dimension which has opened up in your house (usually in the spare room) and you don't want the creatures that lurk on the other side to come through, may we suggest our simple solution?
An Exclamation Triangle.
Just like that triangle which you can put behind your car when you are changing a tyre or when broken down on the side of the road, an Exclamation Triangle in your spare room when set up in front of the unexplained vortex to another dimension, is almost guaranteed to stop aliens, spictrums, nebulous energy blobs, and bodiless mind-control entities from coming through.
The Exclamation Triangle is the multi-purpose multi-versal sign for everyone and everything to keep well away and since everyone and everything everywhere and everywhen is obedient, they will obey the sign.
Exclamation Triangle - only ₱1999
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Do you suffer from madness? Do you quite enjoy madness and don't want to be cured from it? Are you so mad that you are completely hatstand? We recommend Dr von Wonderhorße's Wonderdrug.
Will it cure you? We don't know. Is it highly addictive and dangerous? You bet! Will it kill you? We asked the 95% of people who died as a result of taking Dr von Wonderhorße's Wonderdrug and they said nothing.
Dr von Wonderhorße's Wonderdrug: It is simultaneously the cure and the cause of many of your problems and will both cure and cause them by removing you entirely from them.
Dr von Wonderhorße's Wonderdrug - only ₱799 per packet of 20. No repeat course necessary.
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Do you fall asleep at night? Do you get hungry in the afternoon? Do you sometimes forget where you have left things? You could be suffering from Zealandia without even knowing about it.
Zealandia is a disease where the symptoms are unknown and where the people who have it might not know that they carry it. People who have Zealandia could be sitting next to you on the bus right now, they could be handling food, they could be operating heavy machinery, and they might even be in positions of power.
Zealandia is a serious disease with no known cure, no known symptoms, and no known treatment. What we do know is that every single day, thousands of people are passing it on to other people who are then turning into new carriers. We call these people New Zealanders.
Please send your non-tax-deductible and non-traceable donation to the End New Zealand Forever Fund and together, we will end New Zealand.
End New Zealand - starting from ₱2000
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One slice of bread, a scrape of Vegemite, not quite a quarter of an avocado, one toaster, seven column inches in a national daily newspaper, a hefty amount of generational indignation, combined with a large amount of class warfare - these are the necessary ingredients for creating a self-righteous cultural storm which manages to provide thousands of people with a healthy amount of satisfied smug. Never mind that several components of the story are internally contradictory or that the people who will end up suffering never actually read that newspaper in the first place.
Smashed Avocado Toast - ₱2195
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If you have a desire to yell at strangers at 3am in the morning but lack the courage and have too many inhibitions, if you like the taste of a mahogany cupboard, if you want to talk about something and have an air of authority whole actually knowing three-quarters of diddly-squat, then you need Jessie James' Tennessee Bathtub Whiskey.
This unique blend of whatever hooch can be found that afternoon, matured in pine barrels, and triple distilled, is the perfect amount of cheapening the product wherever possible while being barely drinkable.
Bottled in Bar Fight County, Tennessee, Jessie James' Tennessee Bathtub Whiskey is unlicensed, illegal and probably dangerous.
Jessie James' Tennessee Bathtub Whiskey - ₱3795
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For over 30 years, John Berk has been the only radio host who has dared to ask the hard questions. John Berk asks the questions that nobody else was thinking of. John Berk asks the questions; they provide the answers.
The John Berk Show - He's the biggest Berk on radio. 6pm to 9pm on The Falcon 621AM.
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