Horse 2831 - THE PEOPLE v BANANA (on pizza) [2021] - Judgement

The Fake Internet Court of Australia

THE PEOPLE v BANANA (on pizza) [2021] - Judgement

H2831/1

It has come to this fake internet court's attention that in Sweden there exists a banana pizza which is invariably known as a 'Tropicana' Pizza. 

Now while a precedent that commenting about television shows and movies that one has not seen should be adhered to by way of guideline, there are instances where commenting about things that one has not experienced is not only acceptable but necessary. For instance, one does not need to have committed murder to know that committing murder is terrible. Now while this particular crime is not in the same category or class as committing murder, it is still heinous enough to warrant being brought before a fake internet court with no actual jurisdiction whatsoever. As this is a case of both maximum irrelevance and minimum importance, this court is most suited to judgement of this kind of case.

Before judgement is pronounced, this court would like to thank our learned friends and esteemed colleagues, Pete Tsar acting as counsel for The People and Marsha Mellow who acted as counsel for the defence.

These are the facts as this court sees them:

The most common recipe which had to be researched and then which this court has taken as material for judgement is as follows:

- pizza sauce

- 2 ripe bananas

- curry powder

- ham

- grated cheese

In a previously decided case of The People vs Pineapple (H2228/1), it was established that Pineapple has no business being on pizza. As this court regards precedent as a guiding example to be considered in subsequent similar circumstances, then this similar case should be decided in that light.

The only reason that Pineapple has forced its way onto pizza, is through deception and this example appears to be Pineapple's friend Banana, engaging in a similar deception.

While this court completely approves of banana in curry because curry is perfectly amenable to accepting banana, raisins, apricot etc. and will even accept plantain, putting banana on a pizza is a whole other ball game. 

Pineapple already doesn't belong on a pizza and only finds its way on there because of a very particular edge case, where a Greek man in an Italian restaurant in Canada was able to convince Canadians that this was a Hawaiian thing. The audacity and sheer cheek of this deserves to be congratulated, even though it belongs in that same circle of hell where people are forced to walk around in circles in a frozen forest forever. 

This isn't helping your cause, Banana. If A = B and B = C, then A = C. However if A ≠ B and B ≠ C, it doesn't follow that A ≠ C. Two of the three could still be equal, or none of them could be equal. Pineapple already does not belong on a pizza; that is already a crime. One does not justify committing a crime by going out and committing a worse one. I am sorry Banana but in this criminal conspiracy you have merely added to this knavish web with ever more increasing knavishness. You're not fooling anyone, Banana. Stop it.

Final Judgement:

Banana, you are guilty of both conspiracy and deception. You have brought hateration and holleration into this fake internet court and as you have no business being on a pizza, we order you to cease, desist and stop this egregious pretense. If we ever see you back before this court, the penalities will be severe. Get out; lest you make a mockery of my courtroom. We are already perfectly capable of making a mockery of this fake internet courtroom as it is.

Curry, you are fine with being on a pizza. As a savoury family, we welcome you along with kebab, cheeseburger, barbeque, Cajun, and a host of other flavour family groups. You have proven that you can work well and play nicely with pizza. 

However Curry, you are indeed guilty of being a co-conspirator with Banana but you appear to have been coerced against your will. You are not guilty and are free to go but you should walk away from this fake internet court having taken away a valuable lesson. There will be no conviction handed down or recorded today but be warned that just because you have escaped, doesn't mean that this is not a crime or that this is excusable. Please do not appear beforehand this court again because if there is a next time, this court may not be so lenient.

As for you Pineapple, you're still in trouble. You are malevolent and have now ensnared others in your villainy. Can you not see what trouble thou hast wrought? 

- ROLLO75 J

(this case will be reported in FILR as H2831/1 - Ed)