People think that just because I am capable of using technology well, that I am some kind of technological wizard. I am a wizard insofar as much as I can get it to do what I want but when it comes to tracking down problems that I do not understand, there are proper experts who are magnitudes smarter than I. To me, a lot of the back end of both software and hardware, could all be filled with sandshoes, string, sweeties, goblins, chewing gum, and sawdust, and I would be none the wiser. I think that the most powerful magic words in all of the universe are:
- I don't know
- Please help me
- I love you
When deployed appropriately, they are an admission that one is acutely aware of one's own limitations, and that people and things contain multitudes that are impossible to understand.
On the other hand, I do not particularly like it when the boffins, beautiful nerds, and technicians, start tinkering with things that I use.
When I buy a thing I expect it to work. The very old IBM slogan used to be: "Machines should work; people should think." The reason for this is that when machines just work, that frees up people to do the thinking. If machines don't work, then the only thinking that people are allowed to do, is thinking about how to fix the machines. Moreover, when I buy a thing, I expect it to work. Not only is that a tautology, it is a tautology. A machine should work in the sense that it is capable of doing the job for which it was intended. A machine should work in the sense that it should do the job for which it was intended.
As I sit here tapping away on the keyboard of my tablet, I am simultaneously amazed that I can tap away on a magical device from the future and annoyed that the boffins, beautiful nerds, and technicians think that it needs improvement.
I do not care.
There is an app on this device called Play Music, which is part of the Google suite of software. I am already annoyed that I can not remove the components of the suite that are taking up valuable space on this device but the boffins, beautiful nerds and technicians at Google think it important that all of the components are constantly updated.
I have reached a point in the Google update cycle where the system wants me to update things which then demand that I am connected to the internet or else they will not work at all. I have found that by reverting to the factory settings, that is the versions of the apps that were shipped with this device, that they then demand to connect with the services at Google but will then display an error message which once one has pressed "OK" then allows you straight into the app.
The machine basically admits to me that when it came directly out of the factory that it did in fact work. I am fine with that. If the machine works, then I do not have to think about it. If it gives me a bunch of updates, which at this point amounts to several years' worth of them, then the machine fills up all of the space that it possibly can, demands to be connected to the internet, and then ceases to work.
I mean to ask this in the most contrarian tones possible, as a frustrated end user: why exactly would I want to buy a thing which does not work? Moreover, why do the people at Google think that I want any update at all when my device worked perfectly reasonably when it left the factory?
"Security" they may plead. Again, if I do not want, nay need my device to be connected to the internet, then I do not understand why or how security is an issue. It seems to me that the only security risk posed here, is as a direct result of the boffins, beautiful nerds and technicians, demanding that the device asks for constant updates, presumably just so that it can demand more updates.
Do not think that I am a Luddite either. I quite like having machines that do amazing things. I have within my hands, a faceless window through which I can look at the world's knowledge, billions of hours of television and radio, and control other machines. It is just that I expect my machines to work.
My microwave oven has a QA sticker on the back, from 1977. When I operate a toaster, I do not expect or need it to download updates to tell it how does better internet toast (though if it could download ham and cheese, that would be excellent). If I am hurtling down the motorway at 70mph or whizzing above out heads at 500mph in a flying people pipe, then having a machine download updates and then refusing to work, would be disastrous. Admittedly, my device isn't mission critical to the survival of people's lives but it is not so inconsequential that it not working due to it demanding to be connected to the internet does not go unnoticed.
I am beginning to suspect that the boffins, beautiful nerds and technicians just like playing with all of the sandshoes, string, sweeties, goblins, chewing gum and sawdust, that lives inside this device. I will openly admit that I am not technological wizard and do not understand why or how this device works and I do not care. I don't know. Please help me. I love you. You are not helping when you make a machine which used to work, not work. If my machine stops working, then the only thinking that I am allowed to do, is thinking about how to fix the machines. When I buy a thing, I expect it to work. I don't want to think about it.
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