June 10, 2005

Horse 353 - International Tracksuit Pants Day

According to Merrick and Rosso of Nova Radio, today is International Tracksuit Pants Day. The day when you're supposed to wear them to work, to the shops or even commit arson of some great public building. Do you even remember trakkie dacks?

The ones you bought to play sport in? The same ones you now only put on to flop onto the couch, eat pizza and watch bad TV. The same ones that now stop you leaving the house. "No, mum, I can’t go and get the milk. I’m in my trackie dacks! What if someone sees me?"

Tracksuit pants are so comfortable that as soon as you put them on, you lose all interest in sport, running, walking, even bending down to pick up the TV remote. Tracksuit pants can be insidiously paralysing.

Unless you’re wanting to commit a crime, that is.

When you read crime reports, or see "Crimestoppers" it’s obvious. Tracksuit pants are the garment of choice for almost all criminals: Bank robbers, Drive-by shooters, Wife-beaters, Litterbugs, All are committed tracksuit pants wearers. Is it the comfort aspect, or the implication of speed or the lack of judgement that comes from spending far too long on your butt in a bean-bag that’s driving these rampant tracksuit pant wearers to lives of crime? Maybe we will never know.

What we do know, however, is that tracksuit pants first materialised in the 50’s. Now I’m not making any connections between tracksuit pants and communism or alien invasions or the freemasons here, but you’ve got to admit, a LOT of our very best conspiracy theories have their roots in the shadowy activities of the 50’s.

It’s best to stay wary of them just the same.

After all, it’s possible that the damage inflicted on our psyche through constant viewing of baggy, floppy, pizza-stained garments with elasticated ankles lead to even more disruption of our lives in the future.

We could see tracksuit pants wearers of the future stumbling into flop-houses where they’ll loll about, glazed-over with comfort and laziness, the elasticated waists of their tracksuit pants pushed down to allow their pot bellies more room to breathe.

We’ll have to rescue friends and family and educate them on the character building wearing in on your freshly washed skintight jeans. We’ll have to confiscate tracksuit pants and hide them when the afflicted are strung out on their beds waiting for their pants to dry on the line. Hell, we’ll probably all end up at Tracksuit Pants Anonymous meetings.

It could happen. Just wait and see.

1 comment:

Fernando said...

This reminds me of back in 1997 when the Heaven's Gate cult donned themselves in black sweat pants and new Nike's and committed mass suicide with the intention of catching the spaceship which was to arrive following the passing of the comet Hale-Bopp!
Truth is stranger than fiction.