Tonight is a very important night for Australia. Tonight is the night when we take the national Census and get a snapshot of what life is like in this wide brown land. In case you haven't opened the packet and filled in all the questions yet, this is a sneak preview of what you can expect to find.
Personal
1. Who are ya?
2. Where d'ya live?
3. Are you a Bloke or a Sheila?
4. Ball-&-Chained, Living-In-Sin or Irresponsible?
5. Are you Shane Warne?
6. How many Ankle-Biters have you got?
7. Are you a Blood-Nut?
8. Are you an Aboriginal or Torres-Straight Islander?
9. Which country were you born in?
- OZ
- NZ
- Other
10. Which nationality are you?
- Dinky-Di Aussie
- Sheep People
- Whinging Pom
- Dodgy, Shifty, Scary
- Boat People
11. Are you here illegally?
Income & Standard of Living
12. How much dosh did you make last year?
13. How much did you tell the Taxman?
14. Who owns your house?
- I do. The Great Australian Dream.
- The Bastard Banks
- A Dragon Landlord
15. Which social class do you belong to?
- Feral
- Battler
- Bogan
- Aspirational
- Uppity
- Snob
- Richard Branson
16. How do you get to work?
- Tollway
- Tollway
- Tollway
- I can't afford the tollway, so I use the sardine tins you call trains, trams and buses
- I'm a hippie
17. How often is your train, tram or bus service?
- I don't know, because I live in an uppity area and don't use them
- Less than 25 mins (I'm lying)
- Less than an hour (I'm still lying)
- Whenever they feel like
- The Government hasn't built any
18. Do you have Private Medical Insurance?
- Yes, I'm uppity
- Yes, but it's not very good
- No, I can't afford it
- No, I can't afford it
- No, I can't afford it
19. How far away is your Nearest Public Hospital?
- I don't know, because I live in an uppity area and don't use them
- Less than 25 mins (I'm lying)
- Less than an hour (I'm still lying)
- It doesn't matter because the waiting time in Emergency is 5 hours and for elective surgery the queue is about 4 years
20. How far away is your Nearest Public School?
- I don't know, because I live in an uppity area and don't use them
- Less than 25 mins (I'm lying)
- Less than an hour (I'm still lying)
- I don't know, because my kids don't want to go to school so they run feral
Religion
21. Religion I
- Manly
- Collingwood
- Normal People
- Wogball
22. Religion II
- Ford
- Holden
- Rice Power
- Uppity Toff Nose
23. Religion III
- Wakko
- Terrorist
- Nothing
- Jedi
General
24. Did the dingoes really take Lindy's baby?
25. Are you sure you' re not Shane Warne?
26. Is Rove funny?
27. Do you think that Bert's hair is real?
28. Should Daryl Somers give up?
29. Do you care who won Big Brother?
30. Do you like Eddie Maguire?
- No
- No
- Can I phone a friend?
- I am Eddie Maguire
31. Should we get rid of Queensland?
32. Do you like John Howard?
33. Why don't you like John Howard?
34. Aw, please. He'll be your friend. Do you like John Howard now?
lastly...
35. You're not Shane Warne are you?
- If so, how are you able to read this?
- If not, then good.
Remember to answer all questions truthfully except if you happen to be Shane Warne, John Howard or Lindy Chamerlain's baby. Together, we all count.
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