November 21, 2006

Horse 669 - Notes on Australia Before The Ashes

The First Ashes test for 2006/7 starts in two days and I thought I'd give out some vital information regarding this country.

1. Captain Cook found the place by accident.
Captain James Cook was not exactly the greatest explorer in the world. He managed to find Australia by purely just running into the place. In 1606 Captain Jansz of Holland found a bit of coast in WA where desert meets ocean and thought Deze plaats is onzin or This place is crap. Two weeks before Cook showed up Captain La Perouse of France landed in Botany Bay and thought Cet endroit est la merde or This place is crap. But when Cook turned up he pretty well much landed in the same place as La Perouse and in a rare turn of British optimism thought This place is crap but if we head around the corner a bit...
People have this misconception that Cook was a statesman, when in actual fact he came from Yorkshire. This means to say that his first words on the new continent would not have been Oh I say, what a darling little island but This place is ****in ****e

2. Australia Became A Gaol
Because the British didn't find the marks of civilisation (ie/ The Post Office, Fleet Street newspapers, The Lamb & Flag, and a Tescos) they declared the place empty. I think that half the reason that Britain was so successful in dominating the world was their accent.
See the shiny beads? Well you can have those, we'll let you keep them... we'll just take your country if you don't mind. Can you imagine the Irish? Aye, I cannae go cos I've got me knitting like and me mates have gone down the local...
With this Australia became a penal colony (and yes I can gear you sniggering in the back), and for 113 years the British sent out mainly Irish criminals and other ne'er do wells. This means that Australia has a dodgy past mate.

3. Australia Became a Country
We didn't have a war but a vote... real exciting... um... we became resentful to Britain so keep on having to find sports to beat then in? Actually and this is true, during 2005 when England last won the Ashes their 67p stamp was issued with commemerative Ashes photos. 67p is co-incidentally the price of a stamp to send a letter to Australia.

4. The Nation Today
That's pretty well much it. Australia never starts wars but gets sent to everywhere where our big brothers in the UK and the US tell us. We have our own little brother in the country of New Zealand whom we like to pick on but generally ignore.
We live on the edge of the island because the middle actually is crap but we daren't go into the water because of the sharks and sting-rays.

Yay Australia

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