Long time readers of this blog will remember my idea of holding the Winter Olympics in Dubbo. This would be the "no worries" games because even though it never snows in Dubbo, I'm sure that we could solve all of the associated problems with that; no worries. The Winter Olympics is after all, 26 different ways of sliding across things; so all we'd need to do is use really soft dirt, or Teflon or whatever, and we'll solve all of those problems with technology; no worries.
That leaves only the problem of the opening and closing ceremonies, which as far as I'm concerned, always involves inventing some pseudo religious ancient spirit nonsense, and having a bunch of overly surprised and awed kiddies pointing at things, and invoking some vague concept like "the future", or other such rubbish.
The opening ceremony at the Dubbo Winter Olympics would have to be in that same "no worries" spirit as the rest of the games and as with every other opening ceremony in history, it needs to be quite quite naff.
Cue the armies of singing children, creative modern dancers, and assorted gymnasts who are all too old to complete at the Olympics.
Firstly we have the lights go dark and the sounds of a big rumbly V8 engine thunder into the stadium. Then four more V8 engines are heard and we see the lights on one of the sources of the noise which is a black Holden Maloo ute. The black Holden Maloo ute starts doing donuts in the stadium and the lights come on to reveal a yellow, red, green, and blue ute, which are also all doing donuts. As they lay down rubber, smoke starts pouring off of the tyres and the whole stadium fills up with the five Olympic colours, before they all pull line lockers and exit the stadium; leaving behind the Olympic logo in the five colours.
Next, five inflatable beer cans rise up out of the ground (again in the Olympic colours) atop each of them are colour coded bogans representing the five kinds of boganimity. One has a blue singlet, one has a green hi-vis shirt on, another is in a red flanno, another has a yellow t-shirt on with Oi Oi Oi written on it, and the last has a black roadies t-shirt for the AC/DC tour of 1983.
They all have rifles from the biathlon and a whole bunch of inflatable roos on the back of bicycles enter the stadium. The five bogans from atop their inflatable beer cans start picking off the roos, in a representation of a feral roo shoot.
Nature is angry though and after all of the roos have been shot, a bunch of emus enter the stadium but the bogans can't shoot them. They peck at the base of the five beer cans and the emus win the day as the bogans retreat, as a commemoration of The Great Emu War, which was a decisive emu victory.
Next we have a giant redback spider enter the stadium and it is chased by an equally giant thong. The thong tries to land on the spider but is never able to and as they leave the stadium, they are followed by a Big Pineapple, a Big Boot, a Big Gold Panner, a Big Merino, a Big Dunny, a Big Kangaroo (which is actually Matilda from the 1982 Commonwealth Games), a Big Clam, and finally a Big Banana.
The last act is the entrance of a Swagman who is camped in the centre of the stadium and next to a billabong. This is followed by the stockman mounted on his thoroughbred and three troopers. As the Swagman threatens to commit suicide by drowning, "Thunderstruck" by AC/DC starts playing and parachuting out of the sky is a Drop Bear. The Drop Bear lands on the Swagman and is also carrying the Olympic Flame. The Drop Bear runs across the stadium to the cauldron which is actually a Big 44-Gallon Oil Drum with holes drilled in the sides.
Of course, this being the Dubbo Winter Olympics, we don't have to worry about pesky little things like snow, ice, or rain, to out the fire and it'll burn quite nicely on the build up of fish and chip shop grease and bacon fat, which we'll collect over the next four years. We could even have a proper sausage sizzle over the Olympic Flame and put it to good use for once.