The Fake Internet Court of Australia
AUSTRALIA v OUTBACK STEAKHOUSE [2021] - Judgement and Directions
H2936/1
A matter which has been brought to the attention of this fake internet court, is that of the question of how Australian the Outback Steakhouse chain of restaurants is and/or whether or not it is Australian at all. From a purely corporate perspective, the answer is definitively 'no'. This is an American chain of restaurants which is headquartered out of Florida and while it operates a franchise model and the individual businesses might be Australian, the ultimate parent company that owns the name over the door is American. This is not even a matter for judgement, this is a simple statement of fact.
The question is then not whether or not the chain is in fact Australian but exactly how much Australian the level of cultural appropriation is. This seems to be in the opinion of this court, a similar question to how Texan is the chain of Lone Star Restaurants (which we can only conclude is okay enough, to be a somewhat useful analogue).
In answering this question, this court has a quandary in that pinning down anything that is meaningful which could be taken to be Australian in a culinary sense, is itself hard to do. What are the most Australian things that I can think of? Immediately (and thanks to many years of successful marketing), I can think of football, meat pies, kangaroos and Holden cars. Only two of those things are edible. It seems sensible to me to add Vegemite, Chiko Rolls, Democracy Sausages, Chicken Parmi, and Fairy Bread to this list and already we run into the problem that because Australia is a relatively young country which has had people arrive from everywhere, it's really hard to determine anything that's uniquely Australian when it comes to cuisine.
Australia is a nation which is made up of people from everywhere. It is odd that when you think about going to a restaurant in Australia, invariably that means that you are considering the cuisine of somewhere else. I suppose that there is an argument to be made that some kind of meat and three veg might be seen as Australian however, that really doesn't help you in defining what that quintessential quality of Australian cuisine is. In that respect, steak and either mash or chips, and either vegetables or salad is probably the most Australian thing that there is; or perhaps Kangaroo and Emu Pie with a glass of house red at the Australian Hotel in the rocks ($10).
If this court can not even define what is Australia, then what hope can we have of making any kind of meaningful judgement. There is some element of truth in the joke that the difference between a pot of yoghurt and Australia is that after 200 years yoghurt develops a culture.
The really weird thing is that outback.com has a specific 403 Forbidden block to Australian IP addresses. One can only assume that this is because Outback Steakhouse does not want Australians from fact checking them. With a VPN host and a thing that let them think that I came from Lincoln, Nebraska (68501), I was able to look at the menu and while we do have steak in Australia, none of the staples of pub cuisine are here at all. About the only concession to anything actually Australian is that there is a 'beet' slice on a Bondi Burger. Even then we'd call that a 'beetroot' but to add further insult, you can not get an egg on a burger from this place.
I had to go to an external website for a listing and already the word 'Appetizers' looks as silly as a two bob watch.
Bloomin’ Onion $9.99
Aussie Cheese Fries $10.99
Kookaburra Wings $12.99
Grilled Shrimp on The Barbie $13.99
Sydney ‘shrooms $8.99
Gold Coast Coconut Shrimp $13.99
What is my opinion on their signature item, the Bloomin' Onion? That item which is held up to be the representative of all of Australia? All I can say is, say "what now?" I do not think that I have ever seen this thing anywhere outside of the menu of an Outback Steakhouse. The Bloomin' Onion is about as Australian as watching NASCAR on 4th of July at Indianapolis. It is as Australian as ordering a hot dog in Times Square. This fake internet court needs to tell Outback Steakhouse that they're dreaming.
Aussie Cheese Fries? Do they have roos loose in the top paddock? Apart from the fact that we'd never ever call them fries because they're either chips or wedges, putting cheese on them sounds really odd. Tomato sauce, chili sauce, or if you are posh then maybe mayonnaise but cheese? Really? Also, Kookaburra Wings? I imagine that Kookaburras are edible but good luck in actually trying to catch one. Kookaburras are more likely to swoop down and steal sausages from your barbecue than ever end up on it. As there is neither a place called Kookaburra nor are they actually the meat of a Kookaburra, then we have a rather old-fashioned and unpopular word for this kind of thing: a "lie".
There also is a strange obsession with adding town names, as though they lend an air of authenticity. America should be aware that Buffalo Wings come from Buffalo, NY, or that Chicago Deep-dish pizza comes from Chicago. The Gold Coast isn't specifically known for shrimp and at any rate, they would be called prawns. Also, you'd have to be some kind of mad person to put them on the barbecue. Barbecue space should be reserved for burgers, bacon, onion, eggs and sausages.
As for for they don't have on the menu, I imagine that as a customer who would be presumably going there because someone in America wanted my opinion or because they felt homesick for me, that going there would feel alien. There is no lamb on the menu at all. There are is no Australian beer on the menu at all. There are no Australian wines on the menu at all. In fact, the only thing on the entire menu which would make me think that this was an Australian themed restaurant, would be that it had pavlova and even that's the subject of a cross Tasman dispute.
One of the more damning sentences about this place is found on the website where I pulled those prices and menu items from:
https://thefoodxp.com/outback-steakhouse-menu-prices/
Their stores had a lot of Australian influence because of the boomerangs, kangaroo posters, shark jaws, stuffed koalas, and surfboards used to decorate the stores. But their menu was pure American specializing in steak.
- The Food XP, at 23rd Nov 2021
I fear that we have a major problem in the basic understanding of words. The "Outback" is that vast untold emptiness which is beyond the coasts, beyond the Great Dividing Range and beyond the Riverina. This is the place where the rivers run dry, where red dust gets into everything and where unless you really know what you are doing, it's best not to leave the black top. You will not find sharks and surfboards in a place like The Great Sandy Desert.
Final Judgement:
Outback Steakhouse, you have bought hateration and holleration into this court room. It is clear that you have no idea about what Australian cuisine, which is perhaps forgivable as neither do we. However, while being ignorant of a thing is not a crime of itself, the overwhelming evidence is that you have perpetrated the more egregious and heinous crime of not bothering to get any idea of what Australian cuisine either.
It is therefore with a degree of pointed lividness that this fake internet court attempts to dispense justice which the the people are crying out for; nay, begging for. This court finds you, Outback Steakhouse, of negligence as the more horrid crime or moral turpitude, that being culpability, is set aside for the moment.
Directions:
As such, the directions that this fake internet imposes upon you, is for one of your responsible officers to find video of the 2004 Australian Rules Football Grand Final, to watch that footy final and to stand out in the rain while doing so. We order you to do likewise with the 1986 NSW Rugby League Grand Final. We further order that you invite your friends around for a barbecue while watching the 2016 Bathurst 1000, followed by an episode of Bluey (both the 1970s cop drama and the 2020s animated series), A Country Practice, and In Melbourne Tonight.
We further order that you get either Victoria Bitter or XXXX Bitter on tap, that you find a selection of South Australian and Hunter Valley wines, and that you put meat pie, lamb shanks, and democracy sausage on the menu. We also order that you put seasonally appropriate sport on the television screens, and that if you are going to name things that they at very least make some semblance of cultural sense.
This is the ruling; that is all.
As this case is closed and there being no further business for today, this court intends to adjourn to a proper proprietor of pie and find one with kangaroo, burgundy and carrot; and listen to the 1977 VFL Final while sitting in a Holden ute.
- ROLLO J
This case may be cited as H2936/1.
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