House Business.
Prime Minister Micah, MP for Much Grumbling (No Labour Party)
Presentation of "Better Iviation; Reducing Dangerous Substances (BIRDS) Bill 2021".
<first reading>
<murmuring noises>
PRIME MINISTER MICAH:
Hewaw,
It is with a heart full of anger and disappointmint dat my gubbermint is forced to bring dis bill before da house. My gubbermint is constantly harrassed and harried by dese heinous and howible harpees of da sky and somefink must be done.
My gubbermint in response and in consultation wit da interested parties, of Princess Nana, and da Forin Minister Milo of da Kingdom of Next Door, has thought long and hard (then had a nap), spent many hours talking to da enemy (then had a nap), then thought some more thinks (then had a nap), has written dis bill for consideration.
My gubbermint which has already sorted out da budget crisis, da energy crisis, and da climate change crisis, and solved many of da werld's problems, now submits da "Better Iviation; Reducing Dangerous Substances (BIRDS) Bill 2021".
We have spent many hours outside, either lying on da pathway and thinking amazing thinks (then having a nap) or practicing being the army (before having a nap) and minding our own business, when out of day skies and totally uncalled for, we have been attacked by da birds.
We have spent many hours at da back door, looking at the aerial and thinking more amazing thinks, when da birds will stand up there at look at us. We have even been outside when da birds have flown over and dropped stinky bombs.
It is always da birds. It is not da monsters who walk down da street with da peoples. It is not other cats. It is not our peoples. It is not other peoples. It is always da birds. Da birds are da enemy and dey must be stopped. Dey are da ones who attack us. Dey are the once who drop dangerous substances.
We know about many dangerous substances. We know about fruit which da peoples eat but when we do investigations, is very obviously not food. We know about our poos and wees, which we have contracted da peoples to remove for us. We know about poos and wees from other cats, which we have also contracted da peoples to removes for us. We know about hairballs, voms, and smelly smells, all of which we have plans for. We do not understand the dangerous substances that da birds drop from da sky. Da substances smell awful and dey can hit windows. Da birds obviously hate us and think that we are da enemy but we have not gone in their kingdom. We do not even know where their kingdom is. We have tried telling dem but it is no use. Da birds do not listen to reason.
We all know lots of fings about out enemy. Some of dem are equipped with slicey weapons that can do you damage. Some of dem attack in large numbers. Some of dem attack each other; which means dat there id more dan one enemy. Dey must have lots of kingdoms and countries, which are all fighting for control of da skies. What we also know is dat they have da ability to drop bombs dat stink.
Da birds are highly organised and have different squadrons of bad, which do different bad things. Da big pointy birds who silently fly overhead, leave big bombs. Da black birds which are big, do not leave big bombs but many bombs. Da pink birds and da white birds are noisy and yell not nice yells. We do not understand da yells but we think that all of their yells are giant swears. Da little birds are always doing yells and attack us in groups. Da black and white birds have lovely songs but dey are evil evil liars who attack us and try to use their slicey weapons on us.
Princess Nana is old and is tired of dis nonsense. Akshually, Princess Nana is old and is tired of all fings dat are not even nonsense. She does not want to play the fighting game ever. She has annoyed growls for me. She has worse annoyed growls for da birds. Her growls are unprintable.
Forin Minister Milo of da Kingdom of Next Door has been out in da middle of da road and has been attacked by da birds. Da birds do not care about where you are, whether you are inside or outside your land, but at least dey do not come inside da house.
I have spent many hours in da cabinet thinking thinks about this (and having a nap). I have also spent many hours in da wardrobe, on top of Grumpy Towers, and watching Sky, thinking thinks about this. My gubbermint does not ask for the complete removal of birds. We have spent many hours trying to talk to da birds but do dey listen? No, dey do not. All we ask id dat they stop dropping bombs and stop attacking us.
Dis is why I commend dis bill, da "Better Iviation; Reducing Dangerous Substances (BIRDS) Act 2021" to da house and we hope that da peoples vote for it.
<murmuring noises>
We also have other gubbermint business which needs attending to. My gubbermint is disappointed dat da Pantry Door Always Open Bill was rejected by da peoples. My gubbermint is disappointed dat da Moar Nums Bill was rejected by da peoples. We wish for a continuance on Standing Order No.4 which allows us to yell random things for no apparent reason. We will keep on yelling when we want things and we will keep on yelling random things, especially if we do not know what we want.
<murmuring noises>
Parliamentary Notes:
The "Better Iviation; Reducing Dangerous Substances (BIRDS) Bill 2021" was sumbitted at 06:03am, after Prime Minister Micah demanded a morning sleep at 04:12am and before Prime Minster Micah demanded a morning sit at 06:09am.
Gubbermint business appears to be being conducted as normal; including thinking thinks and having a nap.
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