Horse 3524 - l'Appel du Vide

I am a human in possession of a body with systems that I do not understand and with a brain that I also do not understand. I am not equipped with any kind of system manual, nor do I fully understand the signals that the various systems give me. Emotions are things that I would prefer not to have. Pain seems useful to me as a warning system but as someone who has been injured and damaged physically, certain aspects of this system aren't reliable either. 

And then there's this. 

What am I supposed to do with a sudden, intrusive, and equally fleeting desire to throw myself off of this platform and fall roughly 13 storeys below?

I have no desire to die. I have no need to commit suicide. I certainly have no wish to feel what I imagine is firstly abject terror from falling and then whatever pain would follow from going splat on the pavement floor below. There is no logical or sensible reason why I would think this. Apparently though, this kind of phenomenon is way more common than anyone dares to admit. It even has a name - "l'appel du vide", or "The Call Of The Void".

From what I can determine, the closest thing which comes to a rational explanation of why a perfectly functioning and presumably rational brain would come up with such an irrational thought, is actually paradoxically self-preservation. A brain which unconsciously produces such an insane and destructive thought, reviles itself and actually performs a metaphorical slight of hand in making itself reinforce the desire to live.

Apparently the Call Of The Void applies more generally to doing dangerous things, rather than just hurl one's self off of a high place. Other examples that I read about included wanting to touch a hot stovetop, drive the wrong way down the motorway into oncoming traffic, or running into traffic.

It also appears to be triggered more often by people who have suffered some kind of physical trauma with lasting effects (so this means that I fit the classic profile).

What this suggests is that what is going on, is kind of like a bodge job patch update, for a brain which already has suffered trauma to create and test a false alarm. Further to this, what might be going on is a sudden an immediate spike of the stress hormone cortisol; which given that I am now working in a way more stressful job, looks like a greater sensitivity to external cues in the environment and not some latent death wish.

The fun thing about being in possession of my brain is that I immediately wanted to pull this whole phenomenon apart and look at the various components because I am insanely curious. The truth is that have way too many people who rely upon me, to even allow me to entertain this as even 1% plausible.

But it's still as weird as all get out and that's kind to interesting

 to think about.