April 14, 2014

Horse 1654 - Everything

The ancient text the Celestial Emporium of Benevolent Knowledge, commissioned by Chinese Emperor Nasi-Goreng in circa 1255, stated that all animals could be divided into 14 categories:
- Those that belong to the emperor
- Embalmed ones
- Those that are trained
- Suckling pigs
- Mermaids (or Sirens)
- Fabulous ones
- Stray dogs
- Those that are included in this classification
- Those that tremble as if they were mad
- Innumerable ones
- Those drawn with a very fine camel hair brush
- Et cetera
- Those that have just broken the flower vase
- Those that, at a distance, resemble flies

It has generally been accepted that Nasi Goreng and his wife Mie Goreng kept a large private menagerie called Tel Stra on the shores of what is now called Taihu Lake but which was known at the time as the Big Pond.
Their benevolent reign and their willingness to build the Great Wall of China to keep out the rabbits, won them the people's ovation and fame forever. But was their list complete even for the day? Modern research tends to suggest that due to China's limited contact with the rest of the world, that many many animals simply do not fit into these categories. Perhaps other categories need to be included such as:
- Dangerous things
- Those which can not be fenced in
- Those which remain unseen
- Ones facing backwards
- Animals which do not peer into mirrors
- Those that remain indoors during the potato festival
- Other
- Those that only appear in groups of prime numbers
- Selfish ones
- Those that look into the distance, confused
- The boring
- The unrentable
- Those which can be found on shelves
- Brown

If it is true that animals may be classified into categories, what of everything else?
- Moving
- Stolen
- Not delicious
- In a state of disrepair
- Things which can be polished
- Owned by the bank
- Edible
- Strange
- Overly fluffy
- Shiny and or possible new
- Things which can be piled
- Things which other people have and you do not covet
- Miscellaneous
- Expensive

If we were to break those down still further, we might arrive at:
- Copies of a magazine or newspaper, or other packets of papers
- Cars, Buses, mechanical devices and household appliances
- Cups, glasses, octopuses, cuttlefish, boats and slang
- Small animals, insects, demons, fish
- Rivers, train tracks, telephone calls, songs, pencils, books, guitars
- Number of floors, storeys, department stores
- Military units, pieces of chalk, broom handles
- Unused and not applicable
- Mirrors, cutting boards, photographs, cake
- People, except those we are unfriendly with
- Guns, trousers, servings at a restaurant, other cake
- Lines of text, suits of armour, votes
- CPUs, nuclear reactors, suburbs
- Examples, flags, pairs of socks, polite

A man much wiser than myself said that there is no end to the making of books and that excessive study is wearisome. I think that that list of 56 categories pretty well much covers everything and I mean everything. Now that this comprehensive list exists, you can get to and start fitting things into it...
... even Martin Skrtel. He's one of those which can not be fenced in.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

that is it
that is teh end of teh internet