August 03, 2015

Horse 1950 - Book of Antiverbs, Chapter 1

¹The opposite of a proverb is an antiverb, isn't it?

²If the Bluebird of Happiness suddenly wasn't happy anymore and became sad and blue, how would you tell? If he went to Oxford and got his boxing blues, or became interested in twentieth century musicology and started singing the blues, would he still be the Bluebird of Happiness?

³Would it be a wise investment to follow the White Rabbit down the rabbit hole, in pursuit of the White Whale, or would that project be like paying for a White Elephant? If the project went sour, could you whitewash over it?  How about if a White Knight came and backed the project? How would they even know to invest in it amidst the white noise?

If a bunch of environmentalists invested in Green technology that saw them raking in the green stuff, would everyone else be feeling green at the thought or would they be green with envy? If you were a bit of a greenhorn, would you be skilled enough to greenhouse the income before you decided to green light the project?

Would you be seeing red if the project started trading in the red? Would the red mist come down and leave you red faced because you didn't see the red flags? If you saw serious flaws and marked the plans in red, would you then apply a red seal to them?

Sometimes I wonder if we're living in a new golden age. Certainly we live in an gilt era of 24 carat celebrity where all that glitters is gold. Silence is golden and it's in the golden sunset of your life, when all the anniversaries are golden,

What it is like to be smacked in the bottom by a rainbow? I think if you missed your chance to go for gold, it might be brown trousers time. Get out of the blue and into the black; they give you this but you paid for that. Once you're beaten black and blue and left in a purple haze, would you turn a whiter shade of pale?

Don't be afraid of the dark. Be afraid of what hides in the dark; and of all the horrible things they will do.
Don't judge a book by its cover, though if you intend to read "To Kill A Mockingbird" looking for avian pest removal tips, you will be disappointed.

¹°Avian influenza is not caused by Bird’s Custard.

¹¹The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step; so it's a good thing I bought new shoes. You will discover your life force; so it's a good thing we bought a Jeep. There is no one willing to speak for us; so it's a good thing we know how to yell. There is no light at the end of this tunnel; so it's a good thing we brought matches.

¹²Doing genetic engineering on various kinds of heads of lettuce might very well be rocket science and brain surgery at the same time.

¹³The reason that it's called Flemish is that when you speak it, it sounds like you've swallowed half a pint of phlegm. However German is the only language that you can spit over someone whilst speaking and still display the height of manners.

¹⁴There are three things a man, one man and his dog "Spot" took to mow a meadow; four which ensured it was not mowed.
A pint of milk, a magazine, a can of beans, a sausage roll.

¹⁵If you want to eat fish, expect bones. If you want to talk garbage, expect pain.

¹⁶A fish only gets caught when it opens its big mouth.

¹⁷If you are caught out in the blazing desert, always remember to carry a car door so that you can wind down the window in case it gets hot.

¹⁸A man never went broke earning income and incurring tax. They only go broke when they don't pay tax and have to pay it back later.

¹⁹A man should buy the cheapest car that his ego will allow.

²°Sometimes when people don't get what they want, they will act as if they never wanted it in the first place.

²¹Lots of people can't cook but everyone can make a dip or buy a dip. Everyone always eats too much at parties but if you only have dips, it creates the illusion that they were only grazing on dip. ²²So forget dinner parties, just have dip parties. Put out 46 different kinds of dip and then people can be like Pokémon - gotta try them all.

²³Don't go to Disneyland, go to Cruithneland.

²⁴Machines should work and people should think. People should work and machines should think. Pity when they don't.

²⁵When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. It's difficult only for the others. It is the same if you are stupid or too drunk to drive.

²⁶Do not tap on the glass. It scares the ice cream.

²⁷Beer comes from hops. Hops are plants. Beer is salad. ²⁸A suspension of corn flakes in milk implies that cereal is soup.

²⁹Everything can be classified as animal, vegetable or mineral. An apple is not an animal and it's not a vegetable because it's a fruit; so it must be a mineral. An apple is a rock.

³°If you can't beat them, join them. This advice might prove difficult when your recipe calls for the use of eggs.

³¹The early bird gets the worm. The late mouse didn't get the cheese.

³²Due to roadworks, it is easier for a needle to pass through the eye of a camel than for a fish van to enter the county of Devon.

³³A proverb quoted by a fool is limp as a two minute noodle once cooked.

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