August 18, 2015

Horse 1962 - This Is The News

I've been set a challenge by someone; that was to write a news report as though it were a radio feed. That seemed absurdly easy to me as the average length of most stories on the radio is barely 100 words long and provided I was able to get the format right, I should be able to waffle on and make it sound plausible.
I am an avid listener to ABC News Radio... but for no more than an hour at a go unless The Health Report or the Law Report from Radio National comes on. If you’ve made it to the end of an hour, then the chances are that you’ve heard everything and are about to go around the board again.
If you listen to any commercial radio station, then news bulletins just aren’t that long at all. In fact, I’m not even sure that there is anything longer than a six minute news bulletin on anything other than the ABC.
Just don't get me to read the news. I have a voice like cut glass being dragged down a chalkboard.

Opening Sting:
1110 XYZ Local Radio. This is the six o'clock news and I am Jeff Badcrumble reading it.

A man aged 43 and two women aged 25 and 19 have died following an accident on the Chadwick Highway just outside of Pembleton in Victoria. The man who was driving a farm ute, had no time to react as the sedan holding the two women, crossed over onto his side of the road after rounding a blind corner. The combined speed of the two vehicles is believed to have been in excess of 160km/h. No trace of alcohol has been found and it is presumed that tiredness and fatigue played a factor.

More than 5 million dollars worth of damage has been suffered when strong winds in the southern Brisbane suburb of Castleford caused a tree to crash through the front of an electrical store in the main street. Police were in attendance to further ensure that no more goods would be stolen by thieves and looters. The building has been structurally compromised and has been slated for demolition.

Thirteen people have been arrested and detained following a protest in the Hunter Region city of Kemble Grove; following the decision to allow a copper mine in the local area. Scuffles broke out when protesters descended upon the town hall and demanded to see the mayor. When he refused and the doors to the town hall were locked, protesters began to pelt the town hall with rocks and eggs.
Residents are worried that the mine could poison the local water table and that this could contaminate local drinking supplies. The mayor of Kemble Grove could not be reached for comment.

Public transport is set to become more expensive with an average 2.3% increase across bus, rail, tram and ferry service in the next quarter, following a review by the state's pricing authority. Some minor changes to timetables are expected which the transit authority hopes to improve their already good record of 94% of all scheduled services across all forms of transport, either being ahead of schedule or on time.

The Edwards Government gained an election trigger last night as the Senate blocked the Reform Bill for the third time. The Reform Bill wishes to extend the vote to 16 year olds on a noncompulsory basis.
The government which only saw the budget pass after heavy concessions were given away, has slipped even further in approval polls to 24%. The Mercury Poll also sees Prime Minister Edwards slip as the preferred PM, falling to 41-59 to Opposition Leader Mary Churchill.

Today was a quiet day on the markets with the ASX200 closing just a shade over half a percentage point higher at 5436.8. There wasn't really that much movement among the majors except for the Hostile Takeover Bank which firmed 11 cents to close at $33.48 a share and the big miner Betoota Allied gaining 88 cents to close at $74.56. Most companies on the exchange have still not made declarations about their expected dividends for the quarter, though there are rumours that Red Telecoms and Telco Blue are set for a merger in the second quarter.

Australia has beaten New Zealand 23-22 in the semifinal of the World Farnarkling Championships in Berlin. Even the plucky efforts of New Zealand captain Dave Sorenson, who scores three arkles could not overcome the triple Aussie powerhouses of Redmeyer, Jagiello and Ng, who all arkled and Ng who even scored a shuffle before the umlaut. Australia will meet Kazakhstan in the final, who beat four time champions Italy, 34-5.

FFA Cup - Round of 16:
Blacktown Bogans 3 - AFC Dubbo 0, Sydney FC 1 - Ballarat Blues 0, Betoota 1 - Western Sydney Wanderers 0, Bentleigh Greens 1 - Perth Glory 2, Adelaide United 2 - Brisbane Roar 3, Newcastle Jets 0 - Christopher Pyne 4, A Blade of Grass 9 - Melbourne Victory 0, Sunshine FC 0 - South Melbourne 3.

Traffic is backed up on the M4 for 22 kilometres from Junction 3 through to Junction 8, following an accident between a semi-trailer and two cars. Only one lane is free to traffic beyond that point. Roadworks continue along the M12 from Richmond to Greenfield and traffic has been reduced to two lanes from Junctions 9 through 22. Traffic is moving slowly along the M1 at Ashwood because a piece of cardboard is lying in the middle of the central lane. Come on people, it's not even a cardboard box. It's just a piece of cardboard. What's the worst that could happen? Bob-bom. A motorist has reported that a giant sea-monster is by the side of the motorway on the M1 North at Runalong. As reports come to hand and we find out if it's Behemoth, Leviathan or Nessie, we will keep you informed about whether or not you should be worried about being eaten.

Sydney, fine, arrogant and only concerned about property prices, 22°. Canberra, windy, terminally tedious, 19°. Melbourne, raining, sport obessed, 20°. Adelaide, mostly cloudy, still good enough to have a picnic, 23°. Perth, hot and wishing it could secede from the rest of Australia, 27°.  Brisbane, sunny, with a pervasive sense of dread that you haven't locked the front door, 25°. Darwin, excessive reports about crocodiles in the newspaper, fine, 32°.

The Lighter Side:
Mr Gordon Christie, an 87 year old man in the Perth suburb of Crowoongah has been successful in his case to legally adopt his cat Thomas as his son. The cat who frequently accompanies his "father" on public transport was denied passage by the Warrailla Bus Company because he was not either a child; nor a companion pet. The cat's adoption legally entitles him to travel on a child's fare and he will again be able to accompany Mr Christie on his travels.

That was the news. You are listening to 1110 XYZ Local Radio.

If you listen to any news bulletin in Australia, invariably there will always be one statement at the end of every single news bulletin; that is Darwin, Fine 32. It’s almost never not Darwin, Fine 32.

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