Owing to historical accident, I having been specifically bred through a process of hundreds of years to live in a perpetual rainstorm, have ended up in a continent which is about three quarters of a mile away from the sun and where we hurl ourselves into the ocean at every opportunity that we get. Simultaneously, I also have the rather helpful inability to be able to swim and instead of getting sunburnt, I just spontaneously catch on fire.
Because I live in Australia, I am constantly about eleven hours ahead anything that I want to watch on television such as football, motor racing or cricket in Europe and the UK. The 'late' game in England begins at 4am in Sydney, which is about as useful as having ten thousand spoons when what you need is a torque wrench.
Thankfully, because 2016 was the UN declared International Year Of The Howling Moron, not only have the people of the United States elected the world's biggest nine year old child to be in charge of the nuclear button but the people of the United Kingdom have voted for their independence from sanity and have yelled 'Brexit!' without having any sort of plan whatsoever or having a clue what Brexit actually is.
I believe that I have the greatest plan in the history of plans and you're going to be so bigly impressed by it that you'll elect me as President Of Ideas forever. It's going to be great. You'll love it.
My idea is:
Tow Britain into the Southern Ocean.
Not quite 230 years ago, the British Government thought that it would be a jolly good to dump their criminal riff-raff on an island which they'd found seven years earlier, without nary a thought for who might be there. That didn't matter either because the legal doctrine of Terra Nullius would eventually declare that there was nobody here in the first place and you can't very well steal countries through the cunning use of flags it there are no people to steal it from, now can you? America had already decided that it had had enough and had already racked off before this.
Britain built up an empire by stealing countries from lots of different people and then as empires always do, it collapsed in a giant heap. Two world wars and one world cup doo-dah later, and Britain entered the EEC, which became the EU, and in 2016 they voted to leave the EU by taking a giant leap into the dark. Maybe it would help it Britain stole itself.
If Britain really wants to leave Europe with the hardest of hard hard Brexits, on the scale of hardness along with Martin Skrtel, then why not leave metaphorically, emotionally and geographically? Yes it will cost untold billions and trillions of pounds and is even more unfeasible than President Elect Donald Trump making Mexico pay for a wall, but in an age of post-truth and presumably post-sense, that shouldn't really be an issue.
How hard would it be to tow Britain away anyway? Ireland has already been chipped off and is floating away into the Atlantic Ocean and provided you could do the tricky twisty maneuver around the Cape Of Good Hope, then anyone with an HGV licence and the ability to rear park an artic should find it easy. Britain would have to be turned around so that Scotland was pointing towards Antarctica but the Scots are used to the cold; so that won't be a problem either.
I'm pretty sure that Britain has a bunch of leftover Trident nuclear missiles that aren't doing much. If they could all be sunk into the sea floor, then Britain would break off and we could hire a bunch of ships to start towing it away. If that doesn't work, then just give the job to Donald Trump because I'm sure that he's got the greatest people in the world who could work on the problem.
After Britain is finally in place, then London would only be about as far west as Adelaide is. The Premier League would begin in the late afternoon, county cricket matches wouldn't be at stupid o'clock anymore and we could even organise some brilliant trade zone between Australia, Britain and New Zealand. It wouldn't take twenty hours just to get there any more and if we're lucky, we'd be able to pick up BBC Radio 4 on long wave. It would be ace.
It might have the added complication that suddenly things like the six nations rugby and the European Champions League would become a bit more of a logistical nightmare but if Australia can be part of the Eurovision Song Contest without being in Europe, then surely this can be sorted out. If Dubai can build an artificial ski slope in the middle of a desert, then why can't someone come up with a flying football pitch. Just weld a bunch of A380s together; it'll be fine. You won't end up with very much of a crowd but when tickets already cost an insane amount already, then it isn't that much of a loss. Besides which, if it means that I can pop over to Knockhill or Oulton Park for the weekend to watch the British Touring Car Championship then that's a bonus.
On the upside, the IRA, or the Real IRA, or the People's Judean IRA or whatever they want to call themselves this week, would be so far away from Britain that they'd find doing their business difficult. We could give most of South Australia to what will be ex-Northern Ireland. We're not really doing anything with it and we could easily shoo away those two headed kangaroos near Woomera and Maralinga.
Yes, the colossal expense would more than likely be greater than the GDP of the entire recorded history of the world combined and the net benefit would be minimal at best, but it's still not as daft as asking the people a simple yes/no question with regards the future of their country for at least two generations; with no idea how to go about achieving the outcome that the question was asking. The whole Brexit question was like playing chess with a pigeon in that it didn't understand the rules, pooped all over the board, knocked over the pieces, declared itself the winner and then flew away.
My idea to tow Britain into the Southern Ocean purely for my benefit is selfish, daft and undeniably ridiculous but still more sane than Brexit.