1. Listen on an listen carefully dear student, for it turns out that writing proverbs is a particularly difficult thing to do. You have to write something pithy, economical and utterly brilliant and do it concisely. Largely because words are free, I will usually choose to write a thousand words to paint a picture rather than simply taking a picture which is worth a thousand words because the latter is disposable.
2. Proverbs are a vehicle to deliver wisdom to the simple and mysteries to the learned. You will do well to learn many and to deliver many.
3. These words of mine are not the words of a learned man but a fool who has been given a tablet. Please feel free to take, to learn, to mock, to steal, to reuse and to take down and used in evidence against me in a court of law.
4. To take from a single source is to plagerise but to steal from many different sources is called research.
5. People will often quote the things that other people have said because they were too stupid to think up those things for themselves.
6. Old age confers an air of wisdom upon many who haven't necessarily earned it.
7. Not everything that the elderly say is wise. Not everything that the young say is silly. Truth and wisdom have many keepers.
8. The wisest person who appears to be lost deep in thought is probably thinking about lunch.
9. People with glasses appear wiser than they are and often don't have a clue what is going on either.
10. There is literally nothing in the world that can not be improved with either a cup of tea or a swift bang with a fist.
11. Many wars should have been improved and ended with a cup of tea.
12. Flattery often comes before someone wanting to extract money from you.
13. There is a point where people are so rich that they lose all regard for manners and compassion.
14. The richest people in the world are those people who manage other people's money, cream the rewards off of the top and then chastise the people who actually worked to produce those rewards.
15. Dogs are idiots.
16. That isn't an opinion, it is a statement of fact and although there are cases to be made that they can be taught to do intelligent things, this is because dogs see themselves as a subordinate rank in your household. Dogs are privates in your very small army and always want to carry out your orders but this does not mean that they are smart by any stretch of the imagination.
17. Cats will deal with you on their terms, they will express their displeasure and huff at you, they will find entertainment in annoying you, they are by nature incredibly selfish and aware of their own grandiosity, and they can be vindictive and revengeful.
18. Still get a cat.
19. Pizza eaten in a bus shelter on cold and rainy day where the rain is pelting down and coming in sideways, is tastier than pizza eaten on a fine day.
20. Kung Fu is almost never the answer to international diplomacy. If it was though, there might be fewer wars.
21. The cruelest acts in the world are often perpetrated by those people with the kindest voices.
22. Beware the kind voice that can promise you the world because it can also take away everything you have.
23. Don't hold onto things so tightly that when they are taken from your hands, it rips your skin away.
24. Absolute and perfect anarchy is the only form of government which works exactly as intended.
25. Mediocrity is the refuge of the masses because life is mostly made up of moments where not much happens.
26. People respect someone who speaks their mind; no matter how empty that mind happens to be, how idiotic or outlandish the thoughts that they have, nor how impervious to the truth that those thoughts are.
27. You can put eggshells down the garbage disposal. You probably shouldn't put an entire bag of corn flakes or whole artichoke down there because it is wasteful and isn't good for the the garbage disposal.
28. A man once walked into a public house which promised a pie, a pint, and a wise word for only five dollars. He ate the pie, drank the pint and wondered where the wise word was. He asked the landlord for the wise words and the landlord said: "Don't eat the pie."
29. It is the mark of insincerity of purpose to seek a high born Emperor in a low down tea house.
30. There are three things which can not be tamed; four which do not respond to reason.
- a cat.
- the mind of someone who has already made it up.
- plans which have gone awry.
- a petulant teenager.
31. Even if wisdom is shouted from the rooftops, most people will still be swayed by anyone promising them things for free.
32. It is impossible to unboil an egg.
33. Make friends with those who are stronger than you and you will be safe. Make friends with those who are weaker than you and you will be loved.
34. Steel doors can not be broken down by hurling rocks at them. Steel doors will be opened voluntarily for you if you come bearing cake.
35. Sometimes you can choose to be happy or right but not both.
36. It is better to be a dog in a time of peace than a man in a time of war.
37. It is better still to be a cat in someone's lap, than a dog in an outside doghouse.
38. Most dogs are happy about this though. Dogs are idiots.