If you read enough crime fiction (or watch crime drama on television) then one of the recurring things that comes up, particularly in quaint English village life, is a bunch of old ladies going down to the Bingo Hall to play Bingo.
Inspector Morse thinks that Bingo is the reason why all ladies are forced to eat cat food. Poirot thinks that daubing at lots of Bingo cards is a mindless pastime for mindless people. Miss Marple on the other hand mentions in Bertram's Hotel that she regularly goes to bingo because she likes to hear all of the gossip, and that Mary St. Mead is like a microcosm of the world: everything that happens in the world, has already happened in Mary St. Mead.
Since "The Horse" has never had a pull out gambling section before, I thought that it would be fun in these crazy times, in these uncertain times of uncertainty, in these uncertain crazy uncertain crazy times, to have a bingo section.
You'll need your own bingo card. To make that you will need a grid. Draw six vertical lines and then six horizontal lines. That will give you 25 squares to write your numbers in. Pick any numbers that you like between 1 and 90. Put those numbers anywhere you like in the grid. I have no idea why there are 90 numbers and not 100 but there just are, and this is an immutable fact of the universe.
The standard pay out rates for a game of bingo are:
₱15 for the first "Bingo". That is the first column or row which someone has completed.
₱25 for the first X. That is all of the corners completed.
₱50 for the first "House". That is when someone has actually completed their whole bingo card.
Since Bingo cards usually only cost ₱2 and they sell 25 of them in a round of bingo, then 25 x ₱2 = ₱100 in takings, ₱15 + ₱25 + ₱50 = ₱90 paid out in prizes, and the house collects ₱10 in profit. If you compare that with a payout rate of 95% for bookmakers at horse racing tracks, 95% for most games in a casino, and about 87% for poker machines, then Bingo actually works out to be not all that great a gambling vehicle for the participants but lovely for the house. Preying on old ladies seems somewhat insidious to me; which is why I also think that poker machines are also insidious devices.
Since this publication has already taken 2 of your imaginary monies, then you can either walk away now knowing that we have already won, or you can play along at home and try to beat the house. We'll tell you when our imaginary old lady has won.
We should point out that it is possible to win all three prizes in a round of bingo and so if you do that, you will be morally obligated to buy some imaginary orange squash for the imaginary old ladies in the bingo hall. You might also like to spend some of your imaginary winnings at the imaginary bistro. Try the veal.
For the record, there are official lists of Bingo Calls but as I think that most of them are hokey, I shall use my own.
70. People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. 70.
6. White boomers, snow white boomers. 6.
49. You have failed. Please see me after class. 49.
53. Here comes the Love Bug. 53.
25. I'm still alive. 25.
74. Recycle more. 74.
22. Two little ducks. 22.
11. Secret Herbs and Spices. 11.
23. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not lack anything. 23.
69. The zodiac symbol for Cancer. Ha! I bet you thought it would be something else but you've got a grotty filthy mind. 69.
2. The answer to the question of life, death, the universe and everything. 42.
7. Magnificent. 7.
34. Off to war. 34.
12. Set your clocks to spooky. The midnight hour has arrived. 12.
88. Two women who don’t wish to be judged by society’s standards. 88.
21. Gun Royal Salute. 21.
26. A to Z. 26.
85. Staying Alive. Staying Alive. Ah ha ha ha. 85.
45. Spin the record. 45.
71. I'm sorry, sir, but we don't speak Swedish. 71.
75. Jump and jive. 75.
55. Snakes alive! 55.
36. Dramatic Situations. 36.
62. Turn the Screw. 62.
51. Doesn't rhyme with banana. 51.
24. Hours from Tulsa. 24.
77. H E double upside down hockey sticks. 77.
1. Is the lonliest number. 1.
29. Feeling fine. 29.
5. Coco Chanel. No.5.
43. Beans in every cup. 43.
15. Steve McQueen. 15.
83. Gluten free. 83.
27. All the famous people die. 27.
72. Chicken Vindaloo. 72.
89. Hydroxychloroquine. 89.
20. Twenty Dollars? Aw. I wanted a peanut. 20.
41. I love my mum. 41.
68. A bucket and crate. 68.
84. Big Brother is watching you. 84.
73. That existential feeling of dread that you get when you wonder if you have locked the door or not. 73.
40. Happiness begins here. 40.
48. Haters gonna hate. 48.
33. Fish and chips and peas. 33.
35. Millimeter film. 35.
63. Stuck up a tree. 63.
31. Tom Tom the Piper's son. Stole a pig and he did run. 31.
2. Number Two. Open a window. 2.
14. Kind of obscene. 14.
78. Broken Plate. 78.
16. And never been kissed. 16.
56. Clickety Clicks. 56.
39. The famous steps. 39.
30. Dirty Bertie. 30.
59. The goose drank wine. The monkey smoked tobacco on the street car line. 59.
3. Is a magic number. Yes it is. 3.
28. Shut the gate. 28.
79. Do or do not. There is no try. 79.
52. Pack of Cards. 52.
54. Hardware store. 54.
81. Set phasers to stun. 81.
32. Winnie The Pooh. 32.
58. Christmas Cake. 58.
9. Doctor Knickerbocker's Love Potion. Number 9.
BINGO - Imaginary Old Lady has a Row.
60. This week on 60 Minutes. Tick tick tick tick. 60.
8. The best things in life are free. But you can keep them for the birds and bees. I want your money. 8.
82. One fat lady taking her pet duck for a walk. 82.
37. Slices of Devon. 37.
66. Get your kicks on Route. 66.
57. Heinz Varieties. 57.
90. Top of the house. 90.
BINGO - Imaginary Old Lady has all the Corners.
61. Cinnamon Bun. 61.
17. Dancing Queen. Young and sweet, only. 17.
44. Double Death! 44.
19. What this rash that comes and goes? Can you tell me what it means? 19.
10. Boris' Den. Number Ten. 10.
65. No use crying over spilled milk. 65.
BINGO - Imaginary Old Lady has Finished.
4. Death has arrived. 4.
86. Concrete mix. 86.
80. Don't Have Breakfast. Eight-nothing. 80.
13. Unlucky for some. 13.
38. Avocado on a plate. 38.
18. Wheels of Justice. 18.
46. Dorothy Dix. 46.
76. Trombones led the big parade. 76.
64. Will you still need me? Will you still feed me? 64.
87. The Devil's Number. 87.
67. Stairway to Heaven. 67.
47. Russian diplomacy. A K. 47.
50. 5 – 0, 5 – 0, it’s off to work we go. 50.
The chances are that you have beaten our imaginary old lady in this game of Bingo. If you would like to play again, then just create an Excel spreadsheet and use the =RAND() function to generate 90 random numbers next to your list of 90 bingo calls. Organise your own imaginary den of iniquity and inequity. It is much better to take imaginary money from imaginary old ladies who aren't real, than to take real money from real old ladies.
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