This is the year that doesn't end.
Yes it goes on and on, my friends.
Some people started living it, not knowing what it was.
And we'll keep on reliving it forever, just because...
This is the year that doesn't end.
At the time of writing, it is the 23rd of Caligula 2020. We've run out of regular names for months at this point and have now started naming other discalculic months after other Roman Emperors who were murderous knaves. It is 23/19/2020.
And because it is still 2020 (which means that all the rules are being bent beyond sensibility including beginning sentences with conjunctions), that means that sports are still going on. Euro 2020 was won by Italy in the 19th month of 2020 and now the 2020 Tokyo Olympics are also being held in the 19th and 20th month of 2020.
Before it had even begun, there were cries in Japan that the Olympics should just be cancelled due to the ongoing pandemic and there is always the inevitable set of questions about what sports should and shouldn't be at the Olympic Games.
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-07-23/tokyo-olympic-games-sports-should-not-be-there/100294178
In Tokyo, there will be 33 different sports represented by 50 separate disciplines across 339 events.
That's an awful lot of sport to cram into 17 days of competition.
Why are there so many?
- ABC, 23rd Jul 2021
Good question, Aunty.
Sports like tennis, football, rugby, hockey, netball etc. all have their own World Cup; which renders an Olympic Gold Medal sort of second rate. Then there are the questions about whether or not some sports should be sports. Do we really need Rhythmic Gymnastics or Synchronized Swimming?
But as this is 2020 and the rules are being bent beyond sensibility, then why not ask what sports shouldn't be included in the Olympic Games... and indeed should never be played at all.
Hand Grenade Catching
The rules are simple. Take a standard hand grenade and pull the pin out. Throw said hand grenade as far as you can. The winner is the team who can throw their hand grenade the furthest, catch it, and then put another pin back in it before it explodes.
The IOC would of course have to issue Olympic Standard Hand Grenades so that no-one could cheat but that's not an insurmountable problem.
Naysayers may say nay at the idea of having such a dangerous and overtly military sport at the Olympic Games but then again, running, swimming, archery, shooting, shotput, discus, javelin and horse control, were already overtly military sports.
Naysayers may also say nay at the thought that people might not actually want to participate in such an idiotic sport; to which I say yea. May I remind everyone that thousands upon thousands of involuntary participants took part in this very sport in the totally unofficial and unorganised UnOlympics of 1916 which was held in Western Europe. One could (and should) say that the whole participation of a hundred million people in the 1916 UnOlympics was idiotic.
Hide And Seek
There have been some truly talented players of International Hide And Seek down the years. Australia's undisputed champion of Hide And Seek is undoubtedly Harold Holt who went missing in 1966 in preparation for the 1968 Mexico City Olympics.
The mascot for the worldwide Hide And Seek Association is Walter "Wally" Waldo. I have never been able to work out which club he plays for but it is a team that plays in a red and white 'blood and bandages' kit.
Naysayers may say nay at the idea of having such a simple minded and pointless sport like Hide And Seek but then again, racewalking, dressage, and steeplechase, seem to exist for no other purpose than for someone to get a gold medal every four years.
Giant Jenga
Make the blocks really wackadoo big. Everyone already knows what the rules are intuitively and unlike sports which have artistic merit as a criterion for winning, Giant Jenga has spectacular visuals for win conditions.
Give the teams of one or two, simple apparatus like an Olympic Standard Mallet so that no-one can cheat.
Naysayers may say nay at the idea of what is categorically a game and not a sport being included but then again, nobody seems to question why golf, badminton, or table tennis are at the Olympic Games.
Weightlifting also seems like a daft idea because nobody needs to or should lift heavy things anymore. We have forklifts and trolleys. Surely this sport is just occupational health and safety gone absent without leave.
Boxing Kangaroos
'Hey, wait! That's a thing and not sport' I don't hear you say because this is the medium of text. I say yea, a boxing kangaroo is a kangaroo which is extraordinarily good at the art of pugilism for some hitherto unknown reason but give some poor unsuspecting involunteer a pair of boxing gloves and suddenly that's what they are forced to do: box kangaroos.
Naysayers may say nay at the idea of making an animal fight a human for our entertainment because it is cruel and I say yea to that. I am sure that using sciencey science science we could get some boffins to invent a mechanical kangaroo to really knock the innards out of our pugilistic participants.
Naysayers may still say nay at the idea of rewarding people for fighting but then again nobody seems to question why boxing, wrestling, taikwondo, are mainstays of the Olympic Games.
...
Maybe that's the whole point of the Olympic Games. Everyone in the world has agreed that for the slimmest of a good reason, we're all going to watch sports that nobody cares about for four years, then all become instant armchair experts, then go back to not caring about various sports for four years.
We've decided that we'll pretend that it's not political and complain when nation states break the tissue paper thin veneer that it's not political, even though it's one of the most politically charged sporting events in the world. We'll accept corruption and racism, just so we can engage in a few moments of fleeting glory and then we'll write stories and legends about it.
The whole premise of the Olympic Games is dafter than a two dollar clothes brush but that's why in the 20th month of 2020 we need it so very very much. Right now, the world is scary and sad and people are dying but for two weeks we all get to go on a holiday of sport and pretend that something else matters. Sport matters so very much because it doesn't matter at all.
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