Horse 2873 - Toilet Paper Casserole

This is why people are stocking up on toilet paper, even though going to the supermarket is and always was an acceptable excuse to leave the house.

INGREDIENTS

- 92 rolls of toilet paper, even though Covid-19 is a respiratory disease.

- Enough Pasta to build a life size statue of John Gorton. If you do not know how big John Gorton is, imagine two Grant Denyers standing on top of each other. You will be wrong, but it's fun.

- More Bread than is sensible.

- One copy of the Daily Telegraph.

- One thyme sprig.

METHOD

STEP 1

Heat oven to 160°C/140°C fan-forced/gas mark 3 (I have no idea what this is) and put the kettle on.

STEP 2

Put Pasta and Bread into a 50L flameproof casserole dish.

STEP 3

Add 1918ml of water. This must be exact or else the ADF will be called in. Trust me, they will know.

STEP 3

Soften for 10 mins, then wazz in a blitzer.

STEP 4

Gradually stir in 1666ml hot water, then add 92 rolls of toilet paper; using a stab blender to pulp toilet paper as you go.

STEP 5

Cover and put in the oven for 2hrs 30 mins, then uncover and cook for 30mins.

STEP 6

Open Daily Telegraph.

STEP 7

Be outraged by stories in the Daily Telegraph about how people have bought insane amounts of toilet paper, the second that a lockdown has been called. 

STEP 8

Convert outrage into outrage about immigrants buying insane amounts of toilet paper, the second that a lockdown has been called. 

STEP 9

Invent stories about bus loads of pensioners and immigrants breaking lockdown for the sole purpose of buying insane amounts of toilet paper, the second that a lockdown has been called. 

STEP 10

Go into apoplectic fit of rage about a restaurant that you never go to anyway, being shut because of lockdown.

STEP 11

Blame lockdown on pensioners and immigrants breaking the rules willy-nilly.

STEP 12

Snooze on the couch after rage.

STEP 13

Be woken up by the fire alarm because you put wet toilet paper into the oven and it dried out and spontaneously caught fire.

STEP 14 

Take burnt Toilet Paper Casserole out of the oven.

STEP 15

Garnish with the one thyme sprig.

GOES WELL WITH

Sourdough which you will have exactly one go at making during lockdown before you decide that you could have just bought that at the supermarket in exactly the same way as you could have always gone to get a sensible amount of toilet paper on any day you like. 

White bean, parsley, kale, rocket, acai & garlic mash.

Lobster Thermidor a Crevette with a mornay sauce served in a Provencale manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.