Horse 2879 - THE PEOPLE v PIZZA [2021] - Test Case

The Fake Internet Court of Australia

THE PEOPLE v PIZZA [2021] - Test Case

H2879/1

It has come to this fake internet court's attention that in previous prognostications which have ruled out pineapple on a pizza and also ruled out the more egregious and heinous crime of banana on a pizza, that the people are crying out for, nay begging for, directions on what the best thing to go on a pizza is. 

While it is a long standing precedent that people will like what they like and that they are entitled to like what they like, of itself that doesn't actually determine what the best thing is. This fake internet court could make a general directive with regards a host of various components but really the answer is best uncovered by discovery of minimum expectations. That establishes a floor upon that which is best, may be allowed to stand.

It is generally assumed that pizza is made from some kind of pizza dough with a thick crust. Thin crusts where the edges are either non existent or where the edges are like that of the outside of a loaf of bread while they might please some, will not please as many as a fluffy crust.

I'm also going to make the assumption that the pizza sauce upon which everything else is placed is a spiced tomato type affair. Barbeque sauce may be used in pizzas like Barbeque Chicken or Barbecue Meat Lover's but already the concession has been made that they are inclined to please less people. Also, while pizza can exist without a layer of cheese, it is ill-advised and generally a bad idea.

The question then is, what is the definitively best topping and is that enough by itself?

Broadly speaking most of the various kinds of meats could stand alone on a pizza, though few would. Most come as a duo; such as prawn and garlic, ham and pineapple (which is an abomination), chicken and mushroom etc. There is a place for some kind of vegetable combination but again, a combination vegetable pizza while fine, is not the best.

It is the opinion of this fake internet court that this is self evident. The single best pizza topping is pepperoni. 

This is going to sound absurd but pepperoni, just like the invention the hamburger, is an American invention. Pepperoni kind of lives in the land of the Calabrese salami tradition, and is a relative to other Italian dried salamis like Soppressata.

This fake internet court has also discovered that there is an almost unique case of chemistry going on. Pepperoni is different from other salamis in that it steamed, as opposed to a normal process of being aged and cured. 

This means that while any given slice of pepperoni is under the grill, the proteins will tend to shorten in the heat, fat will be rendered out of the meat, and the slice itself will tend to curl up and cup; which leads to even more drying out and charring.

Ham, bacon, ground beef, chicken, other salamis, prosciutto, and various kinds of sausage, simply do not do this. Soppressata more than likely will curl and render and char but pizza is the food of the people and doesn't really belong in a fancy restaurant.

The bottom line is that if you ask most people if they like pepperoni pizza, they will say 'yes'; because there is no such thing as a bad pepperoni pizza.

That being said, if pepperoni pizza is classe d'oro of pizza, is there anything at all which can improve it? Surprisingly, there is - Red Onion.

Brown onion will tend to caramelise under a grill, however brown onion is too sweet for a pizza. In principle, the biggest reason why pineapple is unsuitable for a pizza is that although it does attempt to balance ham, all it can do is become like a fairground candy. Red onion on the other hand is almost a little sour; which is the perfect accompaniment to pepperoni. 

As pepperoni renders under the pizza grill, both the fat from the pepperoni and the cheese, will help to fry the onion. This is chemistry working at its delicious best.

Should anything else be added? No. Other pizza toppings exist but every single topping is inferior to pepperoni. Supreme pizzas are presumed to operate on the principle that more is better but in reality, all it is is that more is more.

Final Judgement:

It is at this point that this fake internet court would usually make a decision with regards one of the parties who has violated some deep and primal force of nature but this is a test case to derive what is most excellent rather than exact condemnation.

Pepperoni can stand alone although it will share the small stage with others. Pepperoni and red onion is the best pizza of all, though pepperoni pizza by itself is already iconic and better than every single other kind of pizza bar one.

If expectation is the root of all heartache and things done well exempt themselves from calamity, then deciding upon a thing which is impossible to get wrong is never a bad choice. 

This case is closed and there being no further business for today, this court intends to adjourn to a proper proprietor of pizza and prove this proposition.

- ROLLO J