April 11, 2007

Horse 746 - Uluru. That's it. Honest.

This is a picture of a big red rock. No really, that's it. Honest.

Uluru, also known as Ayers Rock, is a big red rock in the middle of Australia famous for being a big red rock in the middle of Australia. That's it. Honest. Millions of parents drag kids from all over the country; heck, all over the damn world to look at it. You're not even supposed to climb it or take photos of it, thus making it the third most boring and stupid tourist "attraction" on Earth after the Eiffel Tower and the grave of still-living Elivs Presley.

The local Pitjantjatjara people call the landmark Uluru, literally "large amount of papier-mâché". This appears to have raised no suspicions. The underlined r in Uluru was inserted by the Adelaide Tourist Board in order to make it seem more indigenous or something, and means bugger all. That's it. Honest.

On 19 July 1873, the explorer William Gosse visited the centre of Australia and found it distressingly empty and boring. Fearing a downturn in tourism, the native Australians panicked and advised Gosse stay the night and he'd see something "really good" in the morning. The next day upon emerging from his tent, Gosse was rather startled to find a big red rock, several miles across, which hadn't been there the night before. Upon making enquiries of the not-at-all-suspiciously exhausted and covered in red paint natives, he was told that they'd been hiding it for "religious" reasons, and promptly charged him £20 for looking at it. That's it. Honest.

Upon being told it was called Uluru by the Aborigines, Gosse decided that it was a funny foreign-sounding name, and promptly renamed it Ayers Rock after a young girl back home who still didn't like him both before and after naming a giant pebble after her. It is known today as either Ayers Rock, Uluru, or That Damn Stupid Pebble. That's it. Honest.

Uluru is:

That's it. Honest.

A number of Aborigine legends have been told to tourists over the years, one which states that it is a giant wombat dropping. Another legend describes it as a giant meteor chipped off from the Face on Mars by over-zealous miners experimenting with hyperchisels, which was subsequently blown off the planet and brought all the Mars Upials to our planet. One thing that all the legends agree on is that it is definitely not a tourist trap made of papier-mâché. That's it. Honest.

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