Harry Potter being the seventh son of an earthenware manufacturer (hence the name Potter) accidentally starts a fire in his father's shop which kills his family and accidentally sets off the Great Fire of London of 1666. Being utterly pennyless, the child now aged 36 is forced to find employment and seeks his fortune at the local Wimpy Burger.
Because the Phoenix is a mythical bird which rises up out of the ashes (in this case the Great Fire of London) it springs to life and goes in search of a decent meal. Not finding one, it goes to the nearest Wimpy Burger where it it served by Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix is a large triple cheeseburger value meal with chips and a Fanta.
The Phoenix forgets that it is made of fire and so drinks the Fanta, wherein its fire is extinguished and the creature dies. Realising that the bird is indeed a Phoenix, Harry yet again sets fire to the City of London and the Phoenix rises out of the ashes for a second time in as many days and grants the title of King of England to Harry.
Harry's first act as king to to go to Harley St, where he hires the services of a Doctor who by virtue of owning a time travel device, takes him back to the year 1066. Due to a miscalculation, King Harry is accidentally shot through the eye and William takes of over England with his army of Normans in what is surely the most confusing roll call in history.
Rated PG - Pretty Gumby
Opens at the Globe Theatre on Jul 27, 1597 if you also happen to have access to time travel.
Note to Ms Rowling - I've also made up a bunch of crap. Please send me £186,000 in unsequential £20 notes.
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