November 08, 2007

Horse 825 - Cats... but not the musical

There has been shocking proof of the intelligence of cats. The behavior of the modern day cat can be examined in two phases:

1. Waking hours
2. Sleeping hours

During sleeping hours, cats seem to do nothing. Indeed, this is probably what cats are doing. However, it is during the first phase which the most remarkable thing occurs. In this phase cats may seem to be doing the exact same thing in phase #2, however, the difference is that they are calculating the meaning of life. It all started a four thousand years ago.

When cats were first "domesticated" by the Egyptians (or rather employed the Egyptians as their slaves), they were so incredibly intelligent that they became bored with life. In fact, many cats have depressing thoughts. The reason for them lobbing around modern houses is because they are actually physicists executing those calculations. This discovery has shed light (and fur) on many of the problems with cats. Though physicists, the cats have not been able to solve the paradox of the famous cat-toast device. It is also a little known fact that cats are actually larger on the inside than the outside, which explains why the litter box is overflowing.

Cats played an integral (and hitherto unmentioned) part in the development of teleportation systems on spaceships. It was by observing the way in which cats can teleport right under people's feet, or from wherever they happen to be to where their food is, that Isaac Newton worked out the biological aspects of teleportation.

Many very foolish people like to claim that if cats had opposable thumbs and could use can-openers, they would replace humans as the dominant species on Earth. This is very silly. Cats do not need opposable thumbs and do not need to use can-openers. Instead they have domesticated a semi-intelligent species, with opposable thumbs, to open cans full of cat-food for them.

Cat Verification is the act of informing a cat that it is, indeed, a cat. This is typically performed by kneeling down by a sleeping (and soon-to-be-perturbed) cat, patting it, and saying, "you're a kitty!" Variations on this ritual include picking up the cat and staring right into its confused kitty face, or following up the verification statement with other statements of fact such as, "you're cuddly," or, "you have lots of kitty fur."

Frequent Cat Verification is clinically proven to be vital to a cat's emotional and psychological development, because without a constant reminder of what species it is, a cat may come to beleive that it is a dog, a vacuum cleaner, a velociraptor, the European Parliament, Sir Winston Churchill, or even a communist.

Once a cat has been informed that that it is indeed a cat, they will generally return to their former state of calculating the meaning of life; all whilst appearing to do nothing. Indeed, this is probably what cats are doing.

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