October 01, 2015

Horse 1996 - Some Modern Life Hacks For Overworked People

Here at Horse, which is a publication of the University of The Absurd and the School of Half-Baked Ideas, we are often asked by the general public (and by often, I mean never) to come up with tips and life hacks to make your dreary little lives better. Of course, being an astute publication whose readership extends all the way into the tens (not of thousands, just tens) I simply had to address this issue and write a post about practical tips that you can use to make your life better and easier:

Rich People:
Let's face it, being rich is a burden; I am prepared to shoulder that burden however massive and since charity begins at home, why shouldn't it start at my home? Why not send you outrageous fortune to me?

Potato Crisp Buyers:
If you want to buy crisps that no one else likes, buy salt and vinegar crisps.
If you want to buy crisps that everyone likes, buy cheese and onion. Everyone likes cheese and onion.

Sticky Rice:
Nobody likes their rice sticking together and becoming gluggy when they don't want it to. The way to stop rice from sticking together when you want it to is to boil each grain of rice separately and individually set them aside for later use.

Don't throw out that old toothpaste tube. Simply refill it with a new tube.

Formula One Teams:
Are you like McLaren and spending a fortune for not much reward? Have you got very few points even after throwing millions into development?  Why not simply rebrand yourself every few years? It worked for Tyrell/BAR/Honda/Brawn/Mercedes-Benz.

Poor People:
It seems to me that the reason for your poverty is a lack of money. Why not simply get more money?

If there is an elephant in the room which your wish to avoid, stop holding meetings at the zoo.

Spectacle Wearers:
If you want to avoid excessive wear and tear on your glasses, just take them off when you're not looking at anything.

Collingwood Supporters:
Stop it. It's silly. That is all.

University Students:
If you want to stop those horrible and nasty smells coming from the kitchen, how about cooking something nice for a change?

Home Heating:
If you live in a house that gets cold during the winter, just put up a poster of Fiji on the wall. Its always nice and warm in Fiji.

If you're having trouble applying for a Visa, try applying for a MasterCard instead.

Job Seekers:
The best way to make a good impression at an interview is to practice speaking before you get to the interview room. Try impersonating Mathias Cormann, most people can make a good impression of him.

If you have rowdy children who constantly demand to be entertained, give them a jigsaw to play with. Just remember to switch it on and leave it running first.

Never make eye contact with anyone. Never speak to anyone. Put earphones in your ears, even if you aren't listening to anything. Stare down at your tablet and try to avoid humanity at all costs.
Or smile at someone. You migt even cheer up their deary day.

Horrible Man In the Grey Suit On Platform 3 at Wynyard:
Stop pretending to read the newspaper. Everyone in the whole station can see that you're leering and checking out that lady. Stop it. Walk away.

Claim that your bags have been tampered with when you arrive at immigration control at the airport. Customs staff will be so surprised by your honesty that whilst they try to reassure you that all is well, they won't notice the contraband that you're trying to smuggle in.

Four Cylinder Car Drivers:
Loud exhausts don't convince anyone that you have a performance car. Fit amusing whistles in your exhaust so that everyone will think you're driving a clown car. Either that or just stop pretending that you have a performance car.

Salsa Chip Dippers:
Double dipping is not allowed under most circumstances except if you're the only one eating chips and salsa. In most cases, if a chip breaks and is stuck in the salsa, it must only be retrieved by use of a new chip. Otherwise, said chip must remain in the salsa forever.

British People:
If you find a foreigner or are in a foreign land and want someone to understand you, speak to them in English and only English. If they still don't understand, speak to them louder and louder and louder until they do. If they still don't understand, stick the Union Jack in the ground and claim their land for Britain. This policy has worked in all previous cases such as India, Australia, Canada, America etc. and the consequences often take years to sort out.

Rich People:
Being rich is expensive but I can save you money. Don't throw out that expensive silverware. Simply wash it and you can even reuse it. If you polish it up, it's as good as new. Better yet, get some servants to wash and polish it for you instead of throwing it all into the streets for the street urchins to find.

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