November 18, 2005

Horse 441 - Tales From Poo Corner

Warning: Contains Poo Jokes.

I have a confession to make: I don't like taking dumps at other people's houses.
There, I said it.

But even though I don't like doing it, I realise that I can't always predict when nature will call. And when it strikes at an inopportune time, like say, when I'm at your house, I've got to decide whether to use your facilities or, quite literally, suck it up. My decision hinges on a "perceived level of comfort" that I determine through a process that involves something I like to call "calculated risk assessment".

Allow me to explain:
If I get that uncomfortable crapping-soon feeling at your house, the first thing I'll usually do is ask where the bathroom is, "because I have to wash my hands." I may in fact be washing my hands, but I'm also scoping out the goods in the bathroom to see whether or not I want to risk letting it all hang out at your house.

When I'm in your bathroom, here's what I'm checking out:
1. The toilet itself - I usually watch the toilet flush. During this time I observe a number of things. Is this a low-flow toilet? What kind of flushing power does it have?

2. I also take stock of any objects, like knickknacks or tissue boxes, that might be perched on the back of the toilet. In the event that I need quick and immediate access to the internal flushing mechanism, I like to think out in advance what kind of an effort this will require.

3. I look to see if the sink is in close proximity to the toilet. Ideally, I should be able to reach the tap and turn the water on while still seated on the can. This is so I can sporadically turn on the water to mask any splashing noises that might occur while I'm doing my business.

4. This is key to making me feel comfortable enough to crap in your bathroom. The Ceiling Fan provides two essential functions necessary for a stress-free poo. First off, it is a fan that sucks foul odors from the bathroom. Secondly, it makes noise - which can prevent you from hearing the grunting, groaning, farting, and splashing noises that I'm making.

5. I check to see that there is, in fact, toilet paper currently on the roll. Whether the paper comes off the roll "over" or "under" is irrelevant as long as there is ample supply. I might check under the sink, etc. for extra rolls just to make sure I'm on the safe side.
I also don't want to find out mid-poop that you're out of toilet paper. Nor do I want to shuffle across the floor with my pants around my ankles and crack the door so you can hand me an extra roll because I've gone through the current supply. I don't think you want this either.

It's a serious business going to the lav. The job's not over until the paperwork's done.


Jules said...


I don't want to make jokes about scraping to bottom of the barrel.


This was a shithouse post ^_^

Katja said...

Oh don't sound like such a girl, Jules.

The worst part is the lingering smell in a bathroom with no air circulation. Even if you try to hide it with perfume, then it just smells like: perfume and poo! ...'Oh, just washing your hands, eh? What the heck did you have on your hands?!'