I am sitting here contemplating what I would like to post, and in doing so, I took a moment to examine how I was really feeling. This is a task which most of the time I try to avoid because of all the people in the world, I am more critical of myself than anyone else and also find me the most difficult person to trust.
I feel a heavy heart, a sad, and even fearful one. Why is that? I think that because the past has held so many mistakes and hurts, that the present and the future frighten me. I don't trust my own heart to protect me not that I did trust it in the past either. I knew that even if I was faithful and loyal; then even if I was betrayed, I would be able to go forward, holding onto the good that was brought out of it, recognizing the bad for what it was, and hopefully learning from the experience. But now?
No, I don't trust my heart's judgments. As time has past, and for many reasons, I have reflected and even been forced to re-examine my relationships, and to my despair, my own heart betrayed me. What I thought was, was not, and I sacrificed much to those delusions. I thought, not that long ago, that I would be able to recognize a betrayal approaching, but I did not. I have gone forward, thinking I conquered the hurt and disappointments, but too many times, this insane heart of mine comes back up to the surface vulnerable, feeling a love that was lost, causing me pain and anger. I quickly force it down, trying to take control again and quell anything and everything that maybe brought forth at all.
Shove it to the floor and step on it; there it must stay. A foolish heart's folly causes its own demise! What frightens me most, I think, is that I really, truly cannot trust my own judgement of heart. I am one who sees with my heart rather than, and at times, in spite of the good eyes and mind that I have been given. It is a deficit, I believe. I thought that many times it was an asset. Clearly, it is not... it is just not. So, I restrict myself to using only my eyes, my mind, and then, possibly at some point, my heart if required.
If only things were not so complicated in this world, in the people of this world, that one could trust others and trust themselves enough to meet in a place of honesty and vulnerablity, and experience a love everlasting...THAT would be my hope for all.
Edit: Must learn to stop typing things at stupid o'clock in the morning.
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