August 21, 2005

Horse 389 - A Bit of Crap

If you covered your body in shark poo then went swimming in the ocean would a shark then bite you? Similarly, if you rolled around in bear crap then strolled through the woods, would a bear attack you? I honestly doubt any animal would eat its own scat. I know pigs and some animals like to sleep in their own poo but I don't think they would eat it. Could we then assume an animal's poo might be a repellent against them?

I often ponder the real important stuff and come up with, what I think are very real conundrums. Like the ocean. It is inhabited by a lot of creatures and all of these creatures eat, so with that in mind, all these creatures must by logic take a dump. Where does all that sea creature crap go? Is the ocean one big toilet? What the hell does a dolphin's crap look like? Do some creatures mistake floating crap as another creature they might like to eat?

I can see some bottom dwelling creature hiding in a cave waiting for a smaller creature to come along so he can grab it and eat it, when a few dolphins swim by and one does a poo which floats down toward the bottom of the ocean. The bottom dweller sees it and thinks, "cool I think it's a sea cucumber". He dashes out and grabs it and takes a huge bite out of it. "Eeeeeeewwwwwww" he spits it back out and goes "It's a dolphin poo, that's awful!".

I for one think David Attenborough or Jacques Cousteau should do a wild life documentary on the toilet habits of ocean dwellers. It would be riveting viewing and would answer a lot of questions.

Elephants do huge craps but whales are four or five times bigger then them, so this leads me to believe whales must do enormous craps. Why don't we see whale poo wash up on a beach? The damn things must be as big as a small family car. Do jellyfish do clear, transparent poop?

Bigger sea creatures eat smaller ones and I swear if I was a smaller one and about to be eaten, I'd push a poo half way out my butt so it was just hanging there. That should put the bigger creature off eating me, I can imagine him thinking "Ewwwwwwww i'm not eating that".

Another question that puzzles me is, do sea creatures fart? Dolphins are supposedly intelligent and playful. When you have a group of young male dolphins playing together do they swim into the middle of the group and let a fart go as a joke? I can see all his friends going "Yeah yeah good one Flipper, that's gross man".

Considering all of this I don't think animals use crap to their advantage. I think an antelope out of the plains of Africa could use crap to make a lion think twice about eating him. Picture this if you will, an antelope grazing on the plains when he notices a lion stalking his butt. He thinks to himself "So Mr Lion, you think you want to eat me huh?". He then goes and rolls in a big old elephant poo and covers his entire body in it then stands there looking at the lion and goes "There ya go Mr Lion wanna eat me now?".

I can just imagine it, a brand of shark repellant spray that smells like shark poo. Guaranteed to keep you wet and smelly for up to 24 hours.

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